oh nine.

It is the last hours of 2009 and what do I have to say? I could talk about this year's mistakes and the things I hope to do better. I could mention the people who have walked into and/or out of my life. I could mention a plethora of places I went and things I saw and they would be good, but those things would just take up this space. I am sure would make a great read, but what I want to talk about is fire.

A few people have brought verses to me and a specific song has continually come up that shows me that this year God has had me going back and forth between the fire and the anvil. Getting melted in order to be shaped and repeat. Even the short times when I didn't feel like God was beating sin out of me, I look back and now know they were times I was in the fire. The times this year when I feel the closest to God my journal reflects such statements, "What a wretched woman I am. I am continually bent on doing evil. I can't get any part of holiness right. That doesn't mean that God is not at work in my life. It just means I am fighting Him every day. I know it comes down to a theology problem. My view of God is not correct. My actions are showing that I don't believe God is good, that He loves me, that He is sufficient, that He delights in doing good for me, that my sin grieves Him, and that my actions matter to Him." (6/3/09).

That entry alone pretty much explains the past year and a half. I have never felt so loved by God as I have the past two years, but that love is felt because I have never been more sinful in my actions. It is the perplexing condition that the closer you are to God the more sin you see in your own life. (The reverse is also true, the less sin you see in your life, the farther from God you are, whether or not how close you feel. If you find yourself thinking, I'm not that bad of a person, you should consult God. All sin is equal in God's eyes and you/I are no better than anyone else on this planet!)

The verses that have been brought to my attention are the following;

Isaiah 30:15-21 "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust will be your strength... the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of Justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him... And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."

Job 23:8-10 "I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way I should take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."

"After the fire is over. After the ashes cool.
After the smoke has blown away, I will be here for you.
After the stillness finds you. After the winds of change.
All that is good and true between us, this will remain the same.
After your time of wandering along this lonely road.
You will hear many voices calling, mine will say, "Welcome home!"
Slowly, slowly we turn the page of life.
Growing, knowing it comes at quite a price.
I will be here for you." ~ After the Fire by Amy Grant

These three things should be enough to convice you of the fire I am in. I know I have a lot to work on and I know I have not put forth the effort that I should be these past couple of months that I have been drowing myself in my sorrow, but I also know that the longer I wait to melt and allow the shaping of my heart the harder the blows are going to come and the longer it will take. God is working and will continue to work and I am either working with or against Him.

God is longing to be gracious to us and lead us. But we have a heart problem. We don't listen for His voice nor look for His hand of guidance. Or worse. When He does speak or lead we don't like what we see and hear and so we protest and fight Him. However, when we allow our own hearts to be melted by the fire, the Holy Spirit, instead of trying to stay hard, that is when the pain gets purpose and our outlook on life becomes clear. Yeilding to the Spirit, as Job did, and trusting that the fire is not meant for harm but for our good (since everything God does in our lives is for our good) takes trust and faith in a good God. And it comes from a correct theology, true knowlegde of who God is.

The fires I have been in this past year and half are intensifying my sanctification, the process by which I am working out my salvation and becoming the woman God has claimed I am because of Jesus' work on the cross to pay for my sin. Many years of my life I have looked back and said I am no different than I am a year ago. Praise to God (because of the fires!) I can look back this year and say I am not the same woman I was a year ago, or even a month ago. He is working in my heart to bind up the wounds and heal the scars. And He has been working all along. The times when I have allowed myself to be worked on it has produced more lasting results than the times I have tried to resist Him.

I want to end this year moldable, trusting, humble, and looking more like Jesus because of how I listened to His voice and trusted Him, even when it didn't make sense to me. I give up the fight. I am tapping out. I don't want to wrestle Him anymore. I just want to trust in His goodness to do in my life all He desires for my good and His glory.

Let's hope twenty-ten brings with it brighter hope, deeper trust and a more pliable heart!