It is the last hours of 2009 and what do I have to say? I could talk about this year's mistakes and the things I hope to do better. I could mention the people who have walked into and/or out of my life. I could mention a plethora of places I went and things I saw and they would be good, but those things would just take up this space. I am sure would make a great read, but what I want to talk about is fire.
A few people have brought verses to me and a specific song has continually come up that shows me that this year God has had me going back and forth between the fire and the anvil. Getting melted in order to be shaped and repeat. Even the short times when I didn't feel like God was beating sin out of me, I look back and now know they were times I was in the fire. The times this year when I feel the closest to God my journal reflects such statements, "What a wretched woman I am. I am continually bent on doing evil. I can't get any part of holiness right. That doesn't mean that God is not at work in my life. It just means I am fighting Him every day. I know it comes down to a theology problem. My view of God is not correct. My actions are showing that I don't believe God is good, that He loves me, that He is sufficient, that He delights in doing good for me, that my sin grieves Him, and that my actions matter to Him." (6/3/09).
That entry alone pretty much explains the past year and a half. I have never felt so loved by God as I have the past two years, but that love is felt because I have never been more sinful in my actions. It is the perplexing condition that the closer you are to God the more sin you see in your own life. (The reverse is also true, the less sin you see in your life, the farther from God you are, whether or not how close you feel. If you find yourself thinking, I'm not that bad of a person, you should consult God. All sin is equal in God's eyes and you/I are no better than anyone else on this planet!)
The verses that have been brought to my attention are the following;
Isaiah 30:15-21 "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust will be your strength... the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of Justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him... And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."
Job 23:8-10 "I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way I should take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."
"After the fire is over. After the ashes cool.
After the smoke has blown away, I will be here for you.
After the stillness finds you. After the winds of change.
All that is good and true between us, this will remain the same.
After your time of wandering along this lonely road.
You will hear many voices calling, mine will say, "Welcome home!"
Slowly, slowly we turn the page of life.
Growing, knowing it comes at quite a price.
I will be here for you." ~ After the Fire by Amy Grant
These three things should be enough to convice you of the fire I am in. I know I have a lot to work on and I know I have not put forth the effort that I should be these past couple of months that I have been drowing myself in my sorrow, but I also know that the longer I wait to melt and allow the shaping of my heart the harder the blows are going to come and the longer it will take. God is working and will continue to work and I am either working with or against Him.
God is longing to be gracious to us and lead us. But we have a heart problem. We don't listen for His voice nor look for His hand of guidance. Or worse. When He does speak or lead we don't like what we see and hear and so we protest and fight Him. However, when we allow our own hearts to be melted by the fire, the Holy Spirit, instead of trying to stay hard, that is when the pain gets purpose and our outlook on life becomes clear. Yeilding to the Spirit, as Job did, and trusting that the fire is not meant for harm but for our good (since everything God does in our lives is for our good) takes trust and faith in a good God. And it comes from a correct theology, true knowlegde of who God is.
The fires I have been in this past year and half are intensifying my sanctification, the process by which I am working out my salvation and becoming the woman God has claimed I am because of Jesus' work on the cross to pay for my sin. Many years of my life I have looked back and said I am no different than I am a year ago. Praise to God (because of the fires!) I can look back this year and say I am not the same woman I was a year ago, or even a month ago. He is working in my heart to bind up the wounds and heal the scars. And He has been working all along. The times when I have allowed myself to be worked on it has produced more lasting results than the times I have tried to resist Him.
I want to end this year moldable, trusting, humble, and looking more like Jesus because of how I listened to His voice and trusted Him, even when it didn't make sense to me. I give up the fight. I am tapping out. I don't want to wrestle Him anymore. I just want to trust in His goodness to do in my life all He desires for my good and His glory.
Let's hope twenty-ten brings with it brighter hope, deeper trust and a more pliable heart!
12.31.2009
12.27.2009
twenty6.
Hi. I am 26. I am single. No, I am not a failure.
If you find yourself in the same place do you ever feel like that is how you need to identify yourself?
At the holidays especially there seems to be added pressure for single people to be in a serious relationship. I think this needs to change. First off, because singleness is to be preferred over marriage (as per Jesus and Paul the apostle... They even basically say that marriage is for the weak... but I am not going to get into that tonight!). Second reason, God is getting more glory from my being single than if I was married right now. Do you want to know how I know this is true? Because I am single. He is omnipotent, all-powerful. Do you really think He would let me (and you) be in this situation if it was giving Him less glory than something else that He had the power to make happen? I could be married right now. But by God's grace He has saved me from those potentially hazardous situations that I am confident would have brought Him way less glory. I also could have a baby right now. But by God's great grace He has prohibited that from happening. He has enabled me to remain single for the time being for a purpose that is somewhat unknown to me. But that is okay with me. I don't care if I ever get married or not. Marriage is not my life's purpose! God's glory and His kingdom expanded are my purpose. I fully trust He will work out whatever situation is best for me to produce the most fruit in those two areas at every age of my life.
I am 26 and I am single but I am not going to waste this year. The past two years have brought two situations with men that I thought were leading to marriage. One was a bad situation that I entered into without God's consent that I never should have gotten myself into and He had to rescue me from. The other was a great situation that God put me into with a godly man that God also took me out of. Neither of these two were the man for me. And that is ok! This year, I honestly hope and pray I can not find a man to have a story with. As a teenager I used to pray that only one man would ever be interested in me so I never had to be confused or deal with a broken heart. Now that I have dealt with both situations I know God has a purpose for them. I can relate better to so many more women and hopefully encourage others not to enter into the situations I did. It might sound strange but I do not regret either situation. It would be easy for me to look forward to this year and say, who is going to be the guy for my 26th year. But I don't want that. I want to commit this year to the Man who holds my heart, or should. I want Jesus to get all of me. Since these past two guys made me seriously consider and desire marriage I want to make sure I do not just consider marriage a goal. I am raising the bar because of them (more the second guy than the first!) and I am going to make sure that my heart is so close to Jesus' that any guy will have to go to Him to find mine. And in the meantime I am going to encourage as many women as I can who are in, have been in or could in the future be in the same situations I have been through these past two years. So that said, my heart is off the market. It is taken. Sorry guys but it is not up to me anymore. If you want it, you'll know where to go!
I have had a great couple of days with my extended family. These few days have enabled me to be removed from the monotony of my daily life and reminded me that I am loved by some amazing people. I am also reminded that if I don't have a family of my own someday that is ok because I could have had that right now with the wrong guy and God had to do some crazy things to stop it from happening. I would much rather be single where I am right now than with someone who isn't God's best for me. And if God's best for me is only Him, He will give me the grace and strength to live that out and use my time wisely.
So while God perfects me and I work out my sanctification, I trust that He will show me the purpose of all His dealings in my life which continually remind me that people let me down but He remains constant, is always looking out for my well-being, loves me with a sacrificial love, gives me grace upon grace, shows mercy to my adulteress heart, is faithful in my unfaithfulness, and ultimately is all-powerful, all-knowing and seeking His glory - which is the purpose of my existence. Who could go wrong remembering that?
If you find yourself in the same place do you ever feel like that is how you need to identify yourself?
At the holidays especially there seems to be added pressure for single people to be in a serious relationship. I think this needs to change. First off, because singleness is to be preferred over marriage (as per Jesus and Paul the apostle... They even basically say that marriage is for the weak... but I am not going to get into that tonight!). Second reason, God is getting more glory from my being single than if I was married right now. Do you want to know how I know this is true? Because I am single. He is omnipotent, all-powerful. Do you really think He would let me (and you) be in this situation if it was giving Him less glory than something else that He had the power to make happen? I could be married right now. But by God's grace He has saved me from those potentially hazardous situations that I am confident would have brought Him way less glory. I also could have a baby right now. But by God's great grace He has prohibited that from happening. He has enabled me to remain single for the time being for a purpose that is somewhat unknown to me. But that is okay with me. I don't care if I ever get married or not. Marriage is not my life's purpose! God's glory and His kingdom expanded are my purpose. I fully trust He will work out whatever situation is best for me to produce the most fruit in those two areas at every age of my life.
I am 26 and I am single but I am not going to waste this year. The past two years have brought two situations with men that I thought were leading to marriage. One was a bad situation that I entered into without God's consent that I never should have gotten myself into and He had to rescue me from. The other was a great situation that God put me into with a godly man that God also took me out of. Neither of these two were the man for me. And that is ok! This year, I honestly hope and pray I can not find a man to have a story with. As a teenager I used to pray that only one man would ever be interested in me so I never had to be confused or deal with a broken heart. Now that I have dealt with both situations I know God has a purpose for them. I can relate better to so many more women and hopefully encourage others not to enter into the situations I did. It might sound strange but I do not regret either situation. It would be easy for me to look forward to this year and say, who is going to be the guy for my 26th year. But I don't want that. I want to commit this year to the Man who holds my heart, or should. I want Jesus to get all of me. Since these past two guys made me seriously consider and desire marriage I want to make sure I do not just consider marriage a goal. I am raising the bar because of them (more the second guy than the first!) and I am going to make sure that my heart is so close to Jesus' that any guy will have to go to Him to find mine. And in the meantime I am going to encourage as many women as I can who are in, have been in or could in the future be in the same situations I have been through these past two years. So that said, my heart is off the market. It is taken. Sorry guys but it is not up to me anymore. If you want it, you'll know where to go!
I have had a great couple of days with my extended family. These few days have enabled me to be removed from the monotony of my daily life and reminded me that I am loved by some amazing people. I am also reminded that if I don't have a family of my own someday that is ok because I could have had that right now with the wrong guy and God had to do some crazy things to stop it from happening. I would much rather be single where I am right now than with someone who isn't God's best for me. And if God's best for me is only Him, He will give me the grace and strength to live that out and use my time wisely.
So while God perfects me and I work out my sanctification, I trust that He will show me the purpose of all His dealings in my life which continually remind me that people let me down but He remains constant, is always looking out for my well-being, loves me with a sacrificial love, gives me grace upon grace, shows mercy to my adulteress heart, is faithful in my unfaithfulness, and ultimately is all-powerful, all-knowing and seeking His glory - which is the purpose of my existence. Who could go wrong remembering that?
12.20.2009
strategic.
Hey,
If you are reading this I need prayer. This past weekend I found myself in a horrible pattern of life that I used to live in high school... get up, lazily do nothing remotely important, go to bed, repeat... I know that my life has advanced beyond this and I used to love life but I have found myself going back to a sort of depression that I believe comes from a lack of direction in life. I know my last blog post was asking God to open a door but I still feel no direction and like I will not have one for a while. I have 28.5 hours to finish more things than I would ever be able to get done in that time for two classes. Problem is that I have to work tomorrow and Tues. I will be able to do some work in that time if I am motivated but I lack the motivation. I think it comes from the thought that I am going to fail anyway so why put forth effort when I can just not do it and end with the same result. I don't know if you ever think that way, but that is how my brain works. If I don't see a result that looks appealing then I don't bother to put forth effort. I believe in the Strengthsfinder 2.0 test it was my "strategic" strength. Always looking for the fastest, lowest output way to finish with the maximum result. When the result is not there there is no fastest way to get there. So pray I see purpose. I really think I am going to have to fail the one course because I don't have time to do all the work for both. And I had planned on spending this past weekend taking my take home exam but in studying I feel like I do not know enough information because I have spent time doing frivilous things instead of studying like blogging... needless to say I am going to bed now and hoping to actually study and take the exam tomorrow, not mailing anything in for the other course I will take the F in and then maybe sleeping with peace the following night. Prayers greatly appreciated, needless to say! :) Thanks!
If you are reading this I need prayer. This past weekend I found myself in a horrible pattern of life that I used to live in high school... get up, lazily do nothing remotely important, go to bed, repeat... I know that my life has advanced beyond this and I used to love life but I have found myself going back to a sort of depression that I believe comes from a lack of direction in life. I know my last blog post was asking God to open a door but I still feel no direction and like I will not have one for a while. I have 28.5 hours to finish more things than I would ever be able to get done in that time for two classes. Problem is that I have to work tomorrow and Tues. I will be able to do some work in that time if I am motivated but I lack the motivation. I think it comes from the thought that I am going to fail anyway so why put forth effort when I can just not do it and end with the same result. I don't know if you ever think that way, but that is how my brain works. If I don't see a result that looks appealing then I don't bother to put forth effort. I believe in the Strengthsfinder 2.0 test it was my "strategic" strength. Always looking for the fastest, lowest output way to finish with the maximum result. When the result is not there there is no fastest way to get there. So pray I see purpose. I really think I am going to have to fail the one course because I don't have time to do all the work for both. And I had planned on spending this past weekend taking my take home exam but in studying I feel like I do not know enough information because I have spent time doing frivilous things instead of studying like blogging... needless to say I am going to bed now and hoping to actually study and take the exam tomorrow, not mailing anything in for the other course I will take the F in and then maybe sleeping with peace the following night. Prayers greatly appreciated, needless to say! :) Thanks!
12.18.2009
doors.
I watched the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight and it makes me think of blogging a little differently. I am more aware that there really are people actually out there reading blogs like mine. It makes me wonder what the point is. Are people searching for something or just bored? Perhaps they are at work and need a glimpse into someone else's life for a few moments. Maybe they are a friend of the writer and helping them to perfect their artform. It could be that they just stumbled upon someone's writings about something that encourages or means a lot to them... Nevertheless, they are out there. Some of you I know. Some of you I might not know. I don't know why I am really writing other than I want to share the lessons God is teaching me in hopes that you all won't have to go through the same circumstances to learn the same lessons, but I know there are a lot of you like me.
I was told things my whole life that people had learned the hard way. Things like, "don't touch the stove, it's hot!" or "fire will burn you" or "don't awaken love until it so desires"... and many more. Yet I am here after having been burned by the stove, burned by the fire, and burned by premature love-like feelings. I had to learn these things for myself. It is so easy to look back and think, if I could only tell myself then what I know now... I wouldn't have touched the stove as a child, I wouldn't have kissed Anthony (the first guy I ever kissed), I wouldn't have gone to Alaska, I wouldn't have gone online for a man... (I probably still would have played with fire - I'm a pyro at heart!) but if I did tell myself those things, they would be lies. All of those experiences have brought me to a place where I know myself, my sinfulness and how utterly helpless I am. But even more importantly they have taught me about God, His grace and how extremely powerful He is.
Last night was the last time I will be on the Gordon-Conwell campus as a student, at least for now. I took my Greek final and then slipped into the chapel which was dark and cold. There was not a soul around but I needed to talk to God... and alone in the dark was even better. I knelt down at the front and started to cry. I remembered my first moment on campus this semester. I sat in a pew in the same room full of excitement and joy. I was dating a new guy who was amazing, I was pursuing my dream to know the Bible better, and the sun was shining. This time I found myself alone, dream crushed, and freezing. Thus I am again in a place where I could look back and say, "God, surely You didn't know this was going to happen or You would not have lead me here, right?" But, instead of being mad that He brought me to seminary for such a short period of time, I am grateful. (I still feel like I wasted a rather large chunk of money that could have done something else but hey, that's life!) And I cried not because I was dissappointed, but because I feel like my life is lacking a single focus, purpose, or plan. And I knew it was because I have not had many moments like that one in these past couple of months where I was on my knees alone with my Maker and Guide to align my thoughts with His. I confessed to God that my vision was blurred and I needed Him to turn my eyes upward to Him so I can see my life from His perspective.
What came out next was a new song, well, more like a short chorus. I have not written a song in a long time... aka. I can't remember the last one I wrote. I started writing songs when I was 14 and aspiring to "take over for Amy Grant when she got too old..." (What I used to tell myself! Haha!) This song was a different type than most I have written because it is simple and a song of surrender. I simply started singing these lines over and over again (though not too loud because I didn't know if I was allowed to be in the chapel in the dark that late!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Open the door to my heart, let me see
What is in store for the future of me
I can't comprehend just how great it must be
I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
I give them to You, the One who knows better than me
My eyes are limited by what I can see
But You, O God, You see eternity
So I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's so simple and yet so necessary. God has shut a door. He has done that many times before. But usually there is one open that blows my mind as He shuts them. Right now I can't see anything. But I am excited about the one that will open because I believe it will and most likely it is not something that I can even fathom right now and it probably would do me no good to know about - otherwise I believe He would show me!
Could you join me in praying that He would make extremely clear to me what door I am to walk through and that He would do it by opening only one door that is so wide that I wouldn't be able to not walk through it! I am open to going (or staying!) anywhere in the world, serving anyone, for however long, until God calls me home but I am not going to move an inch until He shows me with clarity. Isaiah 30 has a great verse for direction that Krista shared with me that will be in my next blog! ;) Thanks in advance for the prayers going up. I have more to share about the Scriptures He has given me this past week that are so awesome I am excited to sit and write about but after a long day I can't get into that right now and this is definitely long enough for tonight!
One week until Christmas! Where did the time go!? December is my favorite month of the year and it is passing too quickly. However, I am exuberantly excited about a journey God is leading me to take with Him in January though - which will be in the blog to come! :)
I was told things my whole life that people had learned the hard way. Things like, "don't touch the stove, it's hot!" or "fire will burn you" or "don't awaken love until it so desires"... and many more. Yet I am here after having been burned by the stove, burned by the fire, and burned by premature love-like feelings. I had to learn these things for myself. It is so easy to look back and think, if I could only tell myself then what I know now... I wouldn't have touched the stove as a child, I wouldn't have kissed Anthony (the first guy I ever kissed), I wouldn't have gone to Alaska, I wouldn't have gone online for a man... (I probably still would have played with fire - I'm a pyro at heart!) but if I did tell myself those things, they would be lies. All of those experiences have brought me to a place where I know myself, my sinfulness and how utterly helpless I am. But even more importantly they have taught me about God, His grace and how extremely powerful He is.
Last night was the last time I will be on the Gordon-Conwell campus as a student, at least for now. I took my Greek final and then slipped into the chapel which was dark and cold. There was not a soul around but I needed to talk to God... and alone in the dark was even better. I knelt down at the front and started to cry. I remembered my first moment on campus this semester. I sat in a pew in the same room full of excitement and joy. I was dating a new guy who was amazing, I was pursuing my dream to know the Bible better, and the sun was shining. This time I found myself alone, dream crushed, and freezing. Thus I am again in a place where I could look back and say, "God, surely You didn't know this was going to happen or You would not have lead me here, right?" But, instead of being mad that He brought me to seminary for such a short period of time, I am grateful. (I still feel like I wasted a rather large chunk of money that could have done something else but hey, that's life!) And I cried not because I was dissappointed, but because I feel like my life is lacking a single focus, purpose, or plan. And I knew it was because I have not had many moments like that one in these past couple of months where I was on my knees alone with my Maker and Guide to align my thoughts with His. I confessed to God that my vision was blurred and I needed Him to turn my eyes upward to Him so I can see my life from His perspective.
What came out next was a new song, well, more like a short chorus. I have not written a song in a long time... aka. I can't remember the last one I wrote. I started writing songs when I was 14 and aspiring to "take over for Amy Grant when she got too old..." (What I used to tell myself! Haha!) This song was a different type than most I have written because it is simple and a song of surrender. I simply started singing these lines over and over again (though not too loud because I didn't know if I was allowed to be in the chapel in the dark that late!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Open the door to my heart, let me see
What is in store for the future of me
I can't comprehend just how great it must be
I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
I give them to You, the One who knows better than me
My eyes are limited by what I can see
But You, O God, You see eternity
So I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's so simple and yet so necessary. God has shut a door. He has done that many times before. But usually there is one open that blows my mind as He shuts them. Right now I can't see anything. But I am excited about the one that will open because I believe it will and most likely it is not something that I can even fathom right now and it probably would do me no good to know about - otherwise I believe He would show me!
Could you join me in praying that He would make extremely clear to me what door I am to walk through and that He would do it by opening only one door that is so wide that I wouldn't be able to not walk through it! I am open to going (or staying!) anywhere in the world, serving anyone, for however long, until God calls me home but I am not going to move an inch until He shows me with clarity. Isaiah 30 has a great verse for direction that Krista shared with me that will be in my next blog! ;) Thanks in advance for the prayers going up. I have more to share about the Scriptures He has given me this past week that are so awesome I am excited to sit and write about but after a long day I can't get into that right now and this is definitely long enough for tonight!
One week until Christmas! Where did the time go!? December is my favorite month of the year and it is passing too quickly. However, I am exuberantly excited about a journey God is leading me to take with Him in January though - which will be in the blog to come! :)
12.10.2009
counting.
Have you ever counted down the days to something? Either looking forward to something great to come or to try to get away from something bad in the past? I find myself doing both almost daily. There is always something to look forward to and always something not to look back at. I found myself doing the latter today. Today for me was a day to realize I am ok. I forgive. I am not bitter. I am loved immensely by an omnipotent God and I have an amazing group of friends and family.
As I think about people counting days I remembered a friend of mine at Camp Berea who I worked with one summer. He was engaged to be married at the end of the summer and every day would doodle the number of days until the wedding on whatever paper he could find. There were numbers everywhere in the program office! It was so wonderful to see him so enthralled and captivated with the anticipation of what was to come.
I wonder if God ever doodles the number of days left until we get to spend eternity with Him? He alone knows the hour when Christ will return and bring us all to be with Him. How much anticipation do you think He has when He thinks about the marriage supper of the Lamb, Jesus, and His bride, the Church?! After all we have spent so many years astranged from Him because of sin. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! I believe Jesus is so excited about it that He is going around heaven smiling and doodling my name, and yours, on everything He can find!
I sure hope that Day comes soon, but it makes me think. Why don't I live counting down the days until I can be with Him forever? Why do I only count down toward petty things on Earth that are temporary and will vanish like the morning dew? I don't need to know the exact day He will return to live accordingly. I should live with a heavenly perspective each and every day of my life. Every day I can live waiting, hoping, and wishing that today would be the day I get to be with Him. And while I am waiting for Him to come back and take me home to be with Him forever I can read His love letters to me in the Bible and continue to become the bride He longs for. (How come when we are in a relationship with someone on Earth we just don't think of these things?! :) )
In my lifegroup this week we were encouraged to make lists of what we are longing for in a future man. I hesitated making one (partly because I have made many in the past and partly because I am worried no one will ever live up to my standard!). But I think about how the Bible is the list, the standard, we ought to be living up to for Jesus, our Bridegroom. Yikes!!! I don't live in love with Him the way that He is so deeply in love with me. I am an adulterous harlot selling myself to all the wrong people and things. I should be pursuing things like holiness, godliness, purity, grace, etc. I need to change my perspective. He not only fits any list I could make but blows them all out of the water! He died to prove His love for me! And even now in a cloud nine, exuberant state making preparations to bring me home to be with Him! And what am I doing with this time?! What are you? We should be preparing ourselves the way a bride prepares for the wedding day. It starts months ahead of time with a dress and goes down to the smallest detail of each strategically placed sequin. Each flower placed just right. Each piece of hair sprayed in place. What if we took this analogy and placed it on our character traits. How about the lists of things in the Bible that we should be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control... compassion, humility, kindness... to name a few?! Let's work on those while He is working on our house and keep on counting!!! :)
_________________________________________
ps. I know I have blogged a little about the past 51 days and my uncertain thoughts and feelings, but know that God and I are doing great today! He has answered a lot of your prayers for me to keep on keeping on and I am forever grateful to you all for praying! Prayer is so powerful!
As I think about people counting days I remembered a friend of mine at Camp Berea who I worked with one summer. He was engaged to be married at the end of the summer and every day would doodle the number of days until the wedding on whatever paper he could find. There were numbers everywhere in the program office! It was so wonderful to see him so enthralled and captivated with the anticipation of what was to come.
I wonder if God ever doodles the number of days left until we get to spend eternity with Him? He alone knows the hour when Christ will return and bring us all to be with Him. How much anticipation do you think He has when He thinks about the marriage supper of the Lamb, Jesus, and His bride, the Church?! After all we have spent so many years astranged from Him because of sin. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! I believe Jesus is so excited about it that He is going around heaven smiling and doodling my name, and yours, on everything He can find!
I sure hope that Day comes soon, but it makes me think. Why don't I live counting down the days until I can be with Him forever? Why do I only count down toward petty things on Earth that are temporary and will vanish like the morning dew? I don't need to know the exact day He will return to live accordingly. I should live with a heavenly perspective each and every day of my life. Every day I can live waiting, hoping, and wishing that today would be the day I get to be with Him. And while I am waiting for Him to come back and take me home to be with Him forever I can read His love letters to me in the Bible and continue to become the bride He longs for. (How come when we are in a relationship with someone on Earth we just don't think of these things?! :) )
In my lifegroup this week we were encouraged to make lists of what we are longing for in a future man. I hesitated making one (partly because I have made many in the past and partly because I am worried no one will ever live up to my standard!). But I think about how the Bible is the list, the standard, we ought to be living up to for Jesus, our Bridegroom. Yikes!!! I don't live in love with Him the way that He is so deeply in love with me. I am an adulterous harlot selling myself to all the wrong people and things. I should be pursuing things like holiness, godliness, purity, grace, etc. I need to change my perspective. He not only fits any list I could make but blows them all out of the water! He died to prove His love for me! And even now in a cloud nine, exuberant state making preparations to bring me home to be with Him! And what am I doing with this time?! What are you? We should be preparing ourselves the way a bride prepares for the wedding day. It starts months ahead of time with a dress and goes down to the smallest detail of each strategically placed sequin. Each flower placed just right. Each piece of hair sprayed in place. What if we took this analogy and placed it on our character traits. How about the lists of things in the Bible that we should be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control... compassion, humility, kindness... to name a few?! Let's work on those while He is working on our house and keep on counting!!! :)
_________________________________________
ps. I know I have blogged a little about the past 51 days and my uncertain thoughts and feelings, but know that God and I are doing great today! He has answered a lot of your prayers for me to keep on keeping on and I am forever grateful to you all for praying! Prayer is so powerful!
immeasurable love.
I listened to a great podcast today. It was from Chip Ingram's "How to overcome pain" series... this one on broken relationships. It is well worth the dollar I spent to get it. It was just so neat that God lead me to listen to it today. You see I have been looking forward to today for the past 51 days. Not Dec. 10 necessarily, but for 51 days to elapse since DJ and I broke up. That is how long we officially dated and I thought that once today came, when we would be "friends" for as long as we officially dated, that I would be completely moved on and life would go back to the way it was before him. That is not completely true, but God is continually teaching me to trust Him in all things even this pain. (I would encourage you all to listen to this message if you have any broken relationships (not just romantic) and could use some healing. You can borrow my itouch if you want!).
This podcast revealed to me all the areas I have done these last 51 days wrong. The message was from Ephesians 3:14-21 (which is the same chapter I got my name for this blog from). He walked through the four steps we must take to heal broken relationships and how God can use broken relationships to bring us to a deeper knowledge of His immense love for us if we let Him.
The four steps Chip outlines to overcome the pain of past broken relationships are;
-Take it to the Father (FIRST!) (3:14-15). So many Christians would rather pay a Christian counselor to listen to them than spend an hour on their knees. He says we are living in a world where Christians don't pray.
-Ask God to have inner strength to yeild to and not resist His work (3:16). We all go for the instant quick fix to numb the pain; we go to another relationship or pull back from all, to substances, to sex, to any adrenaline rush we can find, etc. but we should be letting Him use the pain to bring us to Him and allow Him to have free reign (control) of our hearts.
-Ask God to help us grasp and experience His love (3:17-19). Recognizing He loves you and doesn't ever do anything to harm you. He sees the bigger picture and He invited us to go to Him to see it with Him so we can experience His love in a new, deeper way.
-Expect Him to answer these prayers in ways beyond what we can ask or imagine (3:20-21). His power and imagination are beyond our comprehension. He is longing to answer our prayers for the above 3 steps in a way that shows the world that it was His doing so He will get all the credit and glory!
This message pointed out to me that I need to recognize God as the one who brings all things to bring Him glory, good and bad but all things He does so that we can not take any credit for ourselves. If we try to manipulate the situation we come out on the other side thinking, "Look what I did," when we should let Him be in control (since He is anyway!) be saying, "Look what God did!" He mentioned that there is nothing like a broken relationship to show us how people let us down and God is the only One who will never let us down. God will continually remove things from our life not because He is a mean God but because He is a loving God who wants to show us Who we can trust and let Him work all things for our good.
I do not know the future, but I know the One who holds the future and that He is bent on doing me good out of His immense love for me, that He is extremely powerful beyond what I can imagine, and that His dreams for my life are immeasurably greater than anything I could fathom. I am excited about the journey to come and I will cling to Him, the One who will not let me down, along the way.
__________________
I didn't know my blog would end up like this as I started it, but I want it to continually be an honest look at what God is teaching me with that hope that there is at least one person who needs to be encouraged from hearing it. I am a sinner saved by beautiful grace.
This podcast revealed to me all the areas I have done these last 51 days wrong. The message was from Ephesians 3:14-21 (which is the same chapter I got my name for this blog from). He walked through the four steps we must take to heal broken relationships and how God can use broken relationships to bring us to a deeper knowledge of His immense love for us if we let Him.
The four steps Chip outlines to overcome the pain of past broken relationships are;
-Take it to the Father (FIRST!) (3:14-15). So many Christians would rather pay a Christian counselor to listen to them than spend an hour on their knees. He says we are living in a world where Christians don't pray.
-Ask God to have inner strength to yeild to and not resist His work (3:16). We all go for the instant quick fix to numb the pain; we go to another relationship or pull back from all, to substances, to sex, to any adrenaline rush we can find, etc. but we should be letting Him use the pain to bring us to Him and allow Him to have free reign (control) of our hearts.
-Ask God to help us grasp and experience His love (3:17-19). Recognizing He loves you and doesn't ever do anything to harm you. He sees the bigger picture and He invited us to go to Him to see it with Him so we can experience His love in a new, deeper way.
-Expect Him to answer these prayers in ways beyond what we can ask or imagine (3:20-21). His power and imagination are beyond our comprehension. He is longing to answer our prayers for the above 3 steps in a way that shows the world that it was His doing so He will get all the credit and glory!
This message pointed out to me that I need to recognize God as the one who brings all things to bring Him glory, good and bad but all things He does so that we can not take any credit for ourselves. If we try to manipulate the situation we come out on the other side thinking, "Look what I did," when we should let Him be in control (since He is anyway!) be saying, "Look what God did!" He mentioned that there is nothing like a broken relationship to show us how people let us down and God is the only One who will never let us down. God will continually remove things from our life not because He is a mean God but because He is a loving God who wants to show us Who we can trust and let Him work all things for our good.
I do not know the future, but I know the One who holds the future and that He is bent on doing me good out of His immense love for me, that He is extremely powerful beyond what I can imagine, and that His dreams for my life are immeasurably greater than anything I could fathom. I am excited about the journey to come and I will cling to Him, the One who will not let me down, along the way.
__________________
I didn't know my blog would end up like this as I started it, but I want it to continually be an honest look at what God is teaching me with that hope that there is at least one person who needs to be encouraged from hearing it. I am a sinner saved by beautiful grace.
12.08.2009
worrier.
My body is craving a soul sabbath. I need a break from everything and time to rest in God's goodness. I feel like I have been crazy busy lately... pretty much since August. Sometimes it is what I pack my schedule full of and sometimes it is simply what I pack my head full of. I need to take time to give it all over to God... again.
Drop off, limp over and pick up, drop off, crawl back and pick up, drop off, run back and pick up... that is the story of my Fall. I give something over to God and then I go right back to pick it up. It literally is making me physically ill. I haven't been able to sleep much or eat much this past couple months because of the things I am filling my head with. I am not just trusting God in His sovereignty and will. Do you ever find yourself in the same place? Why is it so easy for us to worry? I never thought I was a worrier until lately where I begin to see how I want control of a particular situation. I don't know the future and it simply consumes my thoughts and becomes all I want to know. I let the options consume my thoughts and literally make me nauseous. I have lost about 10 pounds through this worry process as well... which some might be grateful for, but I know it is not healthy and I don't want to waste away to nothing. I have let it take me to a place where all food repulses me and I wake up throughout the night constantly.
If you are in the same place currently or have been there let us challenge ourselves to hold fast to God's sovereignty. To believe it in our heads is one thing but to live it out is another. We do not want to trust the only One who is trustworthy. How foolish is that! We can better trust Him than we can trust ourselves! God lead me to Proverbs 3:5-6 late last night as I was having trouble sleeping. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight." Wow. How many times have I heard that verse. It is time to make it my mantra. Whenever I start to worry I need to repeat this over and over and over and over... you get the point. If you are there right now also, try writing it down and putting it in your pocket. Let's leave God as the one in complete control and let Him play out in His time the details of our lives. Because He cares about every little detail and there is nothing to worry about! *sigh*
If you could pray that I would fully surrender everything to God, including the unknown future, and that I would leave it there that would be wonderful and helpful. And ontop of that that I would sleep and be able to eat normally again. Thanks! As always if you have any prayer requests let me know!
Drop off, limp over and pick up, drop off, crawl back and pick up, drop off, run back and pick up... that is the story of my Fall. I give something over to God and then I go right back to pick it up. It literally is making me physically ill. I haven't been able to sleep much or eat much this past couple months because of the things I am filling my head with. I am not just trusting God in His sovereignty and will. Do you ever find yourself in the same place? Why is it so easy for us to worry? I never thought I was a worrier until lately where I begin to see how I want control of a particular situation. I don't know the future and it simply consumes my thoughts and becomes all I want to know. I let the options consume my thoughts and literally make me nauseous. I have lost about 10 pounds through this worry process as well... which some might be grateful for, but I know it is not healthy and I don't want to waste away to nothing. I have let it take me to a place where all food repulses me and I wake up throughout the night constantly.
If you are in the same place currently or have been there let us challenge ourselves to hold fast to God's sovereignty. To believe it in our heads is one thing but to live it out is another. We do not want to trust the only One who is trustworthy. How foolish is that! We can better trust Him than we can trust ourselves! God lead me to Proverbs 3:5-6 late last night as I was having trouble sleeping. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight." Wow. How many times have I heard that verse. It is time to make it my mantra. Whenever I start to worry I need to repeat this over and over and over and over... you get the point. If you are there right now also, try writing it down and putting it in your pocket. Let's leave God as the one in complete control and let Him play out in His time the details of our lives. Because He cares about every little detail and there is nothing to worry about! *sigh*
If you could pray that I would fully surrender everything to God, including the unknown future, and that I would leave it there that would be wonderful and helpful. And ontop of that that I would sleep and be able to eat normally again. Thanks! As always if you have any prayer requests let me know!
12.03.2009
awaken.
Please pray for Erin (wife/mom), Morgan, Claudia and Graham. Their husband/father, Thomas Young, who was the pastor of an Acts 29 church in Texas ended his own life last Friday. GENESIS, the church I am a part of here in Boston, is a part of the Acts 29 network. My heart grieves for these sisters and brother in Christ of whom I have never met. I can not imagine what they are going through.
This story is so sad, however it is also a wake up call. It is a reminder that we are all only one step away from the pit of any sin. We can all fall into any temptation at any moment. The father of lies is prowling around this Earth like a lion trying to devour those who believe! Why do we forget this and live in complacency? Why do we judge those who have fallen instead of be the one to help them back to Jesus? A good person does not walk on by thinking the bad will rub off on their good. A good person carries the one who can not walk for themselves. We are all in times the one who has fallen. If we think we are not we fool ourselves and need to look in the mirror of the Word for a fresh view of who we really are. I saw this happen in my own life last year. I fell in a way I never thought or even imagined I would. My spiritual armor was off and Satan's lies overpowered me and I was down. Praise can only go to God for coming to rescue me as I was helpless to do anything on my own!
How is your armor today? (For checklist, see Eph. 6:10-20) Satan is looking for easy targets as well as for men and women who God desires to use mightily. Look at the life of Job. Satan will use any means to try to cripple an individual or the Church, Jesus' bride. He goes after individuals as a means to get ahold of a community. This is what I believe he is doing with leading Thomas to take his own life. His church, The Sanctuary, is going to go through the hardest time they ever have and we need to continually uplift them in prayer as well.
The good thing we can be aware of is that through testing we come out with perseverance. Through perseverance we look more like Christ. (2 Pet. 5-8) When I look back at my biggest failure and God's deliverance of me from it I see two things. How much God loves me and how strong the enemy is. Let us not forget either of these things!
Wake up, O Sleeper! And put on your armor! We want to STAND at the end, not limp away!!!
If this story touches you at all please pray for his wife, children and extended family (The Sanctuary - the church he pastored) AND sharpen your Sword, put on your armor and be ready so when the devil goes after you you can fight hard and remain standing.
This story is so sad, however it is also a wake up call. It is a reminder that we are all only one step away from the pit of any sin. We can all fall into any temptation at any moment. The father of lies is prowling around this Earth like a lion trying to devour those who believe! Why do we forget this and live in complacency? Why do we judge those who have fallen instead of be the one to help them back to Jesus? A good person does not walk on by thinking the bad will rub off on their good. A good person carries the one who can not walk for themselves. We are all in times the one who has fallen. If we think we are not we fool ourselves and need to look in the mirror of the Word for a fresh view of who we really are. I saw this happen in my own life last year. I fell in a way I never thought or even imagined I would. My spiritual armor was off and Satan's lies overpowered me and I was down. Praise can only go to God for coming to rescue me as I was helpless to do anything on my own!
How is your armor today? (For checklist, see Eph. 6:10-20) Satan is looking for easy targets as well as for men and women who God desires to use mightily. Look at the life of Job. Satan will use any means to try to cripple an individual or the Church, Jesus' bride. He goes after individuals as a means to get ahold of a community. This is what I believe he is doing with leading Thomas to take his own life. His church, The Sanctuary, is going to go through the hardest time they ever have and we need to continually uplift them in prayer as well.
The good thing we can be aware of is that through testing we come out with perseverance. Through perseverance we look more like Christ. (2 Pet. 5-8) When I look back at my biggest failure and God's deliverance of me from it I see two things. How much God loves me and how strong the enemy is. Let us not forget either of these things!
Wake up, O Sleeper! And put on your armor! We want to STAND at the end, not limp away!!!
If this story touches you at all please pray for his wife, children and extended family (The Sanctuary - the church he pastored) AND sharpen your Sword, put on your armor and be ready so when the devil goes after you you can fight hard and remain standing.
12.01.2009
new moon phase.
I put on my warm three-quarter length jacket tonight and took the dogs for a walk. While walking I realized that it was abnormally bright outside. I looked up to see a full moon and a sky full of stars. I continued the walk talking to God, as I typically do, and asking Him to guide me and give me peace about everything I fleshed out in the last blog.
As I was walking by a yard that had some large tree branches that were hanging out over the street, I noticed that they left a shaddow from the light of the moon on the pavement. I thought how neat that was because the moon is just reflecting the sun's light. This reminded me of a t-shirt that my youth leader, Elaine, gave me back in high school. The front of it said, "Be the moon." The back said, "reflect the Son." The shirt was talking about how we, as Christians, ought to be shining Jesus' light into the dark world.
I then thought of how the moon changes and goes through phases. It is not always this bright. Each phase gives off a different amount of light. There are phases when the moon is full and bright, like tonight, and there are phases of "new moon" (not the twilight phenomenon - which I am proud I know nothing about!). New moon is where there is no moon, no light at all.
God the asked me, "What phase do you think you are in right now?" I paused for a moment, but not long enough. I know where I am and sadly I have to confess that I am in a new moon phase. I have not been soaking up enough light from the Son to have anything to shine to this world. My light is burning, but not brightly. I might even consider that right now I am in a solar eclipse phase of complete darkness.
My next thought is probably the most convicting. As I kept walking I started to think about what makes the moon go through phases. I realized it isn't the sun, it is the Earth. Wow. Isn't it the same Earth that makes our lights go through phases also? The Earth starts to get in the way of how clearly we see Jesus' light. We receive less from Him and therefore have less to shine onto the Earth around us. I don't know about you, but I think that most of the time, sadly enough, I like having the Earth in my view. I compare myself to others around me. I do this by taking my eyes off of Jesus and His light and instead I put them on the darkness of the Earth. This is not how I want to live. When I look at it through this perspective it doesn't look so great.
As I looked back up at the full-moon, I was awestruck with just how brightly it shines. It makes all the stars pale in comparison. I want to be like that! I want to shine so bright that when people see me, even from a far away distance, they almost have to squint their eyes. I want to be a light that shines into the darkness of people's lives and shows them there is something better out there and His name is Jesus. I want to be the light of revelation. To reveal people's sin to them so they can recognize their need for Jesus. I want to reveal to them the One who heals, restores, cleanses and renews. But... how can I do that for others if I don't first let the light into my own life? There are 28 days in the moon's cycle. It takes 14 to go from new moon to full. These next 14 days I am going to ask God to shine brighter into my life than ever before and help me to learn something new about Him. I challenge you to do the same, no matter what day you read this.
So, what it would look like to be full-moon all of the time? We all go through phases of ups and downs in life, of light and dark. But, have we ever stopped to think that we are the ones changing our position? The Son is always the same. He is constantly shining with the same brightness. And He gives us the opportunity to soak it (Him) up every day. Are we taking the time to do so? Or are we slowly waning towards new moon phase, where we have nothing to show people? Let's get our wax-ing on, turn up the voltage, and shine even brighter today and this week for Christ so we can be the light that points other people to the Son!
New moon is a phenomenon, but it might be different than you think! :)
As I was walking by a yard that had some large tree branches that were hanging out over the street, I noticed that they left a shaddow from the light of the moon on the pavement. I thought how neat that was because the moon is just reflecting the sun's light. This reminded me of a t-shirt that my youth leader, Elaine, gave me back in high school. The front of it said, "Be the moon." The back said, "reflect the Son." The shirt was talking about how we, as Christians, ought to be shining Jesus' light into the dark world.
I then thought of how the moon changes and goes through phases. It is not always this bright. Each phase gives off a different amount of light. There are phases when the moon is full and bright, like tonight, and there are phases of "new moon" (not the twilight phenomenon - which I am proud I know nothing about!). New moon is where there is no moon, no light at all.
God the asked me, "What phase do you think you are in right now?" I paused for a moment, but not long enough. I know where I am and sadly I have to confess that I am in a new moon phase. I have not been soaking up enough light from the Son to have anything to shine to this world. My light is burning, but not brightly. I might even consider that right now I am in a solar eclipse phase of complete darkness.
My next thought is probably the most convicting. As I kept walking I started to think about what makes the moon go through phases. I realized it isn't the sun, it is the Earth. Wow. Isn't it the same Earth that makes our lights go through phases also? The Earth starts to get in the way of how clearly we see Jesus' light. We receive less from Him and therefore have less to shine onto the Earth around us. I don't know about you, but I think that most of the time, sadly enough, I like having the Earth in my view. I compare myself to others around me. I do this by taking my eyes off of Jesus and His light and instead I put them on the darkness of the Earth. This is not how I want to live. When I look at it through this perspective it doesn't look so great.
As I looked back up at the full-moon, I was awestruck with just how brightly it shines. It makes all the stars pale in comparison. I want to be like that! I want to shine so bright that when people see me, even from a far away distance, they almost have to squint their eyes. I want to be a light that shines into the darkness of people's lives and shows them there is something better out there and His name is Jesus. I want to be the light of revelation. To reveal people's sin to them so they can recognize their need for Jesus. I want to reveal to them the One who heals, restores, cleanses and renews. But... how can I do that for others if I don't first let the light into my own life? There are 28 days in the moon's cycle. It takes 14 to go from new moon to full. These next 14 days I am going to ask God to shine brighter into my life than ever before and help me to learn something new about Him. I challenge you to do the same, no matter what day you read this.
So, what it would look like to be full-moon all of the time? We all go through phases of ups and downs in life, of light and dark. But, have we ever stopped to think that we are the ones changing our position? The Son is always the same. He is constantly shining with the same brightness. And He gives us the opportunity to soak it (Him) up every day. Are we taking the time to do so? Or are we slowly waning towards new moon phase, where we have nothing to show people? Let's get our wax-ing on, turn up the voltage, and shine even brighter today and this week for Christ so we can be the light that points other people to the Son!
New moon is a phenomenon, but it might be different than you think! :)
11.30.2009
unfinished.
I am not sure how many people will actually read this, but this is a post asking for prayer.
This semester began as expected. I was excited and enthralled with the task I felt God had put before me. This semester has only but two short weeks left now and I am not in that same mindset. My most recent mindset is not one of excitement or anything like it. Instead, I feel as though I have been thrown in the deep, raging sea and I am only managing to keep my head afloat. Does this all have to do merely with schoolwork? No. Yet it all added together does not leave me in a good place.
There have been many things this semester that I have seen God do. Some I liked. Some I did not like. Yet there is one truth that I have clung to. God is faithful and He works all things together for His glory and my good. I have said that a lot this semester and I am fully convinced it is true, however I have not done a good job at putting my theology into practice. You see, I have been afraid of going to God. I have spent time with Him (not regularly as I should) but through the last 6 weeks I have developed a severe case of God-phobia. When my boyfriend and I broke up I was left confused. I know he hears from God, and if breaking up is what God led him to do, what can I say against that? I had no words. I still have no words, yet I have to go forward and trust that it is His will, that somehow it is part of His plan for my life.
So how did God-phobia start? Well, it wasn't right away and actually it was last night that I realized this is where I have been living. I wasn't mad at God or bitter toward my ex or anything but I decided that I would "show him". Mistake #1. I would look really good all the time and I was going to be strong and prove to everyone that I was ok, it didn't matter and that I didn't need him. (Not recommended.) The whole idea of bottling up feelings leads to explosions which as I know and found out for the eight hundredth time, leaves you feeling very low. I think I have cried more in the past 6 weeks than ever in my life. Not all because of him but also because of just feeling confused and lacking direction. I thought I had heard from God to get into the relationship and why would God put me in just to take me out? I expect people to let me down, forgiving humans for me is (most of the time) easy. I don't, however, expect God to let me down. So when you felt let down by Him what do you do? Where do you go?
Did I know where I should be going for direction? Yes. To God and His Word. Did I go there? Yes, but not whole-heartedly. Mistake #2. I went to Him, I'd read my Bible, but I was not really looking for God to align my heart with the place he had brought DJs. The last thing I wanted to hear was that it was God who led DJ to break up with me. I went basically begging God to confirm that I was going to marry him and that I should hold on and wait around for him to come back saying he made a mistake and that he wanted back in... (to which I would have said, heck no, (which is a lie, yet would make me feel like I had the power again).) Ultimately, that is where I was. I felt powerless. When someone takes away the option for you to decide what is best for you it sucks. And that is what I felt he - and by way of his listening to God - what God had done to me. And I did not like that one bit. I thought I was the only person who knew what was best for me. Mistake #3.
I could go on and on with how my train of thought went through all the stages of how to manipulate the situation back into my control and how I kept pretending to be so strong - especially infront of him and other mutual friends - which all lead me to a place of being afraid to be with God. I didn't know this until last night. Last night I clearly felt God tell me that I had been lying to everyone. I had been telling people that I did not feel close to or far from God right now. But the truth was that I didn't want anything to do with God. Not the God who led me into something where I would get hurt... and call it for my good.
So that leaves this seminary student in a rather bad, low place. My grades started dropping and I didn't want to go to class. I skipped some and even ended up dropping one because the work load felt like it was crushing me and I received a poor grade on an exam. I started longing for heaven and even convinced myself God was going to take me soon because I didn't feel He had anything He wanted to do with me further on this earth. All of my dreams, plans, goals, etc. had been crushed. I thought I was headed down a path only to find out I was walking on an illusion. Mistake #4. (Now I realize God gives dreams, goals, and opportunities for the sole purpose of making us look more like Jesus. Sometimes the pursuit of the goal is the purpose, not acheiving the end goal. He is constantly redesigning my dreams (almost daily) to bring me closer to Him, not to fulfill the dreams themselves. This is a hard reality I am learning to live with.)
So, where do I go from here? Do I give up and throw the towel in on dating all together? Do I sit around in a "Christian" depression? Is 6 weeks enough to mourn something that feels so unfinished and is still hanging around? Should I move to another part of the country and do something else with my life for a while until I forget his name? Should I drop out of school until I can get my heart back aligned with God's purpose for my being there? Are there answers to all questions?! I don't know. This is why I need prayer.
I might not ever know why God put me in that relationship knowing it would end so soon. It could be for DJ to see into his heart and the things he needs to work on. It could be for mine and the things I have to. It could be about something completely different that I will not know for 10 years. I need prayer that God would give me peace even if I never know until I get to heaven.
Mostly this is just ramblings... I didn't know that was going to come out or even if I will leave it on here... I thought this would end up being about something completely different, but heck, that is what is on my brain pretty much unceasingly right now. I know what I am doing, at least for now. I know God wants me to stay here in Boston to be a part of GENESIS (though I am praying about that) but I am not to go to school full-time. I am going to take maybe 1 class this spring and continue nannying full-time for the same family since the Mom just finished maternity leave. But mostly, I am going to refind God's heart and my own. Then once I have both of them I will realign mine to His.
Yet again I went and made plans that got crushed and I am reminded that I do not know what the future holds. I only know Who holds the future. And He is constantly working my good and His glory into my life. And while I long to be with Him in heaven more each day, I have to unselfishly realize that I am not here for me. I am here for His purposes for as long as He wants to build up the Church and tell others of Jesus Christ.
I am unfinished and so is my story...
This semester began as expected. I was excited and enthralled with the task I felt God had put before me. This semester has only but two short weeks left now and I am not in that same mindset. My most recent mindset is not one of excitement or anything like it. Instead, I feel as though I have been thrown in the deep, raging sea and I am only managing to keep my head afloat. Does this all have to do merely with schoolwork? No. Yet it all added together does not leave me in a good place.
There have been many things this semester that I have seen God do. Some I liked. Some I did not like. Yet there is one truth that I have clung to. God is faithful and He works all things together for His glory and my good. I have said that a lot this semester and I am fully convinced it is true, however I have not done a good job at putting my theology into practice. You see, I have been afraid of going to God. I have spent time with Him (not regularly as I should) but through the last 6 weeks I have developed a severe case of God-phobia. When my boyfriend and I broke up I was left confused. I know he hears from God, and if breaking up is what God led him to do, what can I say against that? I had no words. I still have no words, yet I have to go forward and trust that it is His will, that somehow it is part of His plan for my life.
So how did God-phobia start? Well, it wasn't right away and actually it was last night that I realized this is where I have been living. I wasn't mad at God or bitter toward my ex or anything but I decided that I would "show him". Mistake #1. I would look really good all the time and I was going to be strong and prove to everyone that I was ok, it didn't matter and that I didn't need him. (Not recommended.) The whole idea of bottling up feelings leads to explosions which as I know and found out for the eight hundredth time, leaves you feeling very low. I think I have cried more in the past 6 weeks than ever in my life. Not all because of him but also because of just feeling confused and lacking direction. I thought I had heard from God to get into the relationship and why would God put me in just to take me out? I expect people to let me down, forgiving humans for me is (most of the time) easy. I don't, however, expect God to let me down. So when you felt let down by Him what do you do? Where do you go?
Did I know where I should be going for direction? Yes. To God and His Word. Did I go there? Yes, but not whole-heartedly. Mistake #2. I went to Him, I'd read my Bible, but I was not really looking for God to align my heart with the place he had brought DJs. The last thing I wanted to hear was that it was God who led DJ to break up with me. I went basically begging God to confirm that I was going to marry him and that I should hold on and wait around for him to come back saying he made a mistake and that he wanted back in... (to which I would have said, heck no, (which is a lie, yet would make me feel like I had the power again).) Ultimately, that is where I was. I felt powerless. When someone takes away the option for you to decide what is best for you it sucks. And that is what I felt he - and by way of his listening to God - what God had done to me. And I did not like that one bit. I thought I was the only person who knew what was best for me. Mistake #3.
I could go on and on with how my train of thought went through all the stages of how to manipulate the situation back into my control and how I kept pretending to be so strong - especially infront of him and other mutual friends - which all lead me to a place of being afraid to be with God. I didn't know this until last night. Last night I clearly felt God tell me that I had been lying to everyone. I had been telling people that I did not feel close to or far from God right now. But the truth was that I didn't want anything to do with God. Not the God who led me into something where I would get hurt... and call it for my good.
So that leaves this seminary student in a rather bad, low place. My grades started dropping and I didn't want to go to class. I skipped some and even ended up dropping one because the work load felt like it was crushing me and I received a poor grade on an exam. I started longing for heaven and even convinced myself God was going to take me soon because I didn't feel He had anything He wanted to do with me further on this earth. All of my dreams, plans, goals, etc. had been crushed. I thought I was headed down a path only to find out I was walking on an illusion. Mistake #4. (Now I realize God gives dreams, goals, and opportunities for the sole purpose of making us look more like Jesus. Sometimes the pursuit of the goal is the purpose, not acheiving the end goal. He is constantly redesigning my dreams (almost daily) to bring me closer to Him, not to fulfill the dreams themselves. This is a hard reality I am learning to live with.)
So, where do I go from here? Do I give up and throw the towel in on dating all together? Do I sit around in a "Christian" depression? Is 6 weeks enough to mourn something that feels so unfinished and is still hanging around? Should I move to another part of the country and do something else with my life for a while until I forget his name? Should I drop out of school until I can get my heart back aligned with God's purpose for my being there? Are there answers to all questions?! I don't know. This is why I need prayer.
I might not ever know why God put me in that relationship knowing it would end so soon. It could be for DJ to see into his heart and the things he needs to work on. It could be for mine and the things I have to. It could be about something completely different that I will not know for 10 years. I need prayer that God would give me peace even if I never know until I get to heaven.
Mostly this is just ramblings... I didn't know that was going to come out or even if I will leave it on here... I thought this would end up being about something completely different, but heck, that is what is on my brain pretty much unceasingly right now. I know what I am doing, at least for now. I know God wants me to stay here in Boston to be a part of GENESIS (though I am praying about that) but I am not to go to school full-time. I am going to take maybe 1 class this spring and continue nannying full-time for the same family since the Mom just finished maternity leave. But mostly, I am going to refind God's heart and my own. Then once I have both of them I will realign mine to His.
Yet again I went and made plans that got crushed and I am reminded that I do not know what the future holds. I only know Who holds the future. And He is constantly working my good and His glory into my life. And while I long to be with Him in heaven more each day, I have to unselfishly realize that I am not here for me. I am here for His purposes for as long as He wants to build up the Church and tell others of Jesus Christ.
I am unfinished and so is my story...
8.13.2009
"credentials"
Last Tuesday I was given the rest of the week off last minute and I prayed to see what God wanted me to do with the time. When I got home that night I had a package in my room. It was a couple CDs that I had ordered the previous week. One of which was Kari Jobe's latest. It was the one I was the most excited about getting. We sing a lot of her songs at GENESIS and one of my favorite songs ever, "Revelation Song," is on it. As I was listening to the CD that night, one song in particular stuck out. It is called "My Beloved". It is written as God speaking to you and says, "You're my beloved, you're my bride, to sing over you is my delight, come away with me, my love..." So I decided to go away with Him into the mountains of NH, where I typically go when I need time alone with God.
There is something so majestic about the mountains that draws out truth. The truth that God is and all He is I am not. When you are on the top of a mountain looking down at the valleys all around and other mountains in the distance you get a realistic view of how small and insignificant we are. The only other place you can feel this is on a plane. And yet all of the earth is in God's hand. Wow. That'll blow your mind to try to comprehend!
I could share many exciting parts of my three days up there, but the journal entry I want to share with you tonight is from Friday night. I was waiting for a friend whom I had not seen in a long time to get back to the area so we could reconnect and I started journaling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8/7/09 8pm
Where do I find myself.
At present, I am 25, a fourth (or even farther back) generation Christian, I have a degree in Bible and Women's Ministry from one of if not the best Bible college in the World, I have had the opportunity to serve the Lord in many states and have been blessed to share God's Word from a stage to women...
...and I am a sinner. I am equal to everyone else. It is almost as if none of my "Christian credentials" matter at all. And Wow! What God had to take me through to get me here. To level my pride. I would never wish it on anyone. To go through all I had to so He could use me... and still He doesn't have to use me. He chooses to because of His great love for me.
As I add Gordon-Conwell to my "list" I need to remember this place of humility... to not get so high and mighty on my head knowledge that I think other people have nothing to teach me. I am sure that some of the greatest lessons I will learn will come from people who don't have a degree. The blue collar workers who love Jesus and seek to be His hands and feet. The ones who work for the Lord with all their might with little spotlight time or acknowledgement.
Just beacuse God has put this calling on my life does not make me better than them. Just because God has taken me to places to learn about Him does not make me better than anyone. If anything it should put me on my knees to serve those who's work is just as important as mine and who's souls are just as important as mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I should have remembered this while I was writing, and maybe it was in the back of my mind but after I wrote that I reopened my Bible to the chapter I was on that day, Philippians 3. In this chapter Paul basically says the same thing. He says he has so many "credentials" but,
"Whatever gain I had I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ, and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I might know Him... Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (3:7-10, 12, 13b)
Paul continues to call us to imitate him and others who walk similarly. We are to set our minds not on earthly things but remember our citizenship is in heaven. Earthly accomplishments will fade with the earth itself. The only important thing is that we know Him. Not the god we construct Him to be, but the God for all of who He really is. That is why I am going to seminary. To have my small view of God corrected so that I can know Him fully for who He is. And it is my prayer that He would use the things I learn to help me challenge others to open up their small views of Him also.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So my challenges to you are;
-Remember that the purpose of life is to know God. To love Him with all you are and to love people so they might love Him.
-Remember, your citizenship is in heaven. We are strangers on this earth.
Anything He allows you to do for Him here on earth is a blessing for you to bless others with. No degree, even from a Bible college (or seminary), will go with you to heaven. Only what you do with the knowledge will. The correct view of God you will learn and then mirror to the world is all that counts. If we are not doing that then we have failed, no matter if we have completed the course work. Let us press on to be the hands and feet of Jesus, not to try to be the brain.
There is something so majestic about the mountains that draws out truth. The truth that God is and all He is I am not. When you are on the top of a mountain looking down at the valleys all around and other mountains in the distance you get a realistic view of how small and insignificant we are. The only other place you can feel this is on a plane. And yet all of the earth is in God's hand. Wow. That'll blow your mind to try to comprehend!
I could share many exciting parts of my three days up there, but the journal entry I want to share with you tonight is from Friday night. I was waiting for a friend whom I had not seen in a long time to get back to the area so we could reconnect and I started journaling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8/7/09 8pm
Where do I find myself.
At present, I am 25, a fourth (or even farther back) generation Christian, I have a degree in Bible and Women's Ministry from one of if not the best Bible college in the World, I have had the opportunity to serve the Lord in many states and have been blessed to share God's Word from a stage to women...
...and I am a sinner. I am equal to everyone else. It is almost as if none of my "Christian credentials" matter at all. And Wow! What God had to take me through to get me here. To level my pride. I would never wish it on anyone. To go through all I had to so He could use me... and still He doesn't have to use me. He chooses to because of His great love for me.
As I add Gordon-Conwell to my "list" I need to remember this place of humility... to not get so high and mighty on my head knowledge that I think other people have nothing to teach me. I am sure that some of the greatest lessons I will learn will come from people who don't have a degree. The blue collar workers who love Jesus and seek to be His hands and feet. The ones who work for the Lord with all their might with little spotlight time or acknowledgement.
Just beacuse God has put this calling on my life does not make me better than them. Just because God has taken me to places to learn about Him does not make me better than anyone. If anything it should put me on my knees to serve those who's work is just as important as mine and who's souls are just as important as mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I should have remembered this while I was writing, and maybe it was in the back of my mind but after I wrote that I reopened my Bible to the chapter I was on that day, Philippians 3. In this chapter Paul basically says the same thing. He says he has so many "credentials" but,
"Whatever gain I had I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ, and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I might know Him... Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own... One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (3:7-10, 12, 13b)
Paul continues to call us to imitate him and others who walk similarly. We are to set our minds not on earthly things but remember our citizenship is in heaven. Earthly accomplishments will fade with the earth itself. The only important thing is that we know Him. Not the god we construct Him to be, but the God for all of who He really is. That is why I am going to seminary. To have my small view of God corrected so that I can know Him fully for who He is. And it is my prayer that He would use the things I learn to help me challenge others to open up their small views of Him also.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So my challenges to you are;
-Remember that the purpose of life is to know God. To love Him with all you are and to love people so they might love Him.
-Remember, your citizenship is in heaven. We are strangers on this earth.
Anything He allows you to do for Him here on earth is a blessing for you to bless others with. No degree, even from a Bible college (or seminary), will go with you to heaven. Only what you do with the knowledge will. The correct view of God you will learn and then mirror to the world is all that counts. If we are not doing that then we have failed, no matter if we have completed the course work. Let us press on to be the hands and feet of Jesus, not to try to be the brain.
7.30.2009
40 days.
T-40 days.
It is interesting that today is the day I start a blog that will walk through my seminary years. If you are unaware, 40 is a pretty significant number used many times throughout the Bible. The number of days it rained while Noah was on the ark. The number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert. And many others. But most significant to me right now is that it is the number of days Jesus spent in the wilderness when the Spirit led Him out to be alone to fast and pray before He began His earthly ministry. I am going to take the next 40 days and fast from a few things that are unnecessary comforts in my life, like TV (since food would never work, though I will for select days - be in prayer!).
I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now. I want to share what God is teaching me in my courses at Gordon-Conwell and in life. It is my heart's desire that this blog do two things. First, I want it to challenge you, the reader, to live a life that reflects what you claim to believe through telling how God is challenging me. Secondly, I want to use it as a place I can put things that I would like prayer for. So come as often as you like and comment if you desire. I can not say how often I will be posting new things, it will depend on the Spirit's leading, but it is my prayer over this blog that it can be full of words that are genuine and focused on Christ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"3:8" the title of the blog stands for the verse God gave me yesterday as my seminary verse. It comes from the book of Ephesians. It says,
How I came upon this verse was definitely the Spirit's leading and bear with me, it is a long, inter-connected story.
This past weekend we had a Beach Day with the GENESIS women. After dinner, we began talking, as women do, and Krista mentioned the book of Ephesians for reasons unnecessary to type. I had randomly been reading parts of Eph. in my devos before that night but never from the beginning, intently or consistently.
Sunday night, GENESIS, the message was on how important the Word of God is to our lives and how we need to have a plan to read it. So Monday morning I got up early and started praying through where I should start my plan. Naturally Ephesians seemed the right place.
Monday Eph. 1.
Tuesday Eph. 2.
Wed's I do not get up early because I don't have to work.
Now, I need to preface Wed. with another occurance that took place back on Sunday night. I am usually a pretty friendly person and I try to meet all of the new women who I notice at GENESIS. Shea was talking to someone and I needed to mention something to her so I went over and introduced myself to Lora, a woman visiting some friends for the week. Usually I keep a conversation going by asking a crazy amount of questions to get the other person talking. But tonight was different. I could not come up with anything interesting to ask her. Lora and I still talked for 15 minutes or so and I found out she has been back in the US for 4 months after spending over a year abroad as a missionary. Without going into much detail of her story or mine I ended up talking about a couple of my bad ministry experiences... which if you are socially awkward, that is not a typical first conversation topic! On the drive home that night I thought to myself, that was weird, I can't believe I was talking about those things with someone I just met. But it was God. I did not know, but she related to me and it was a source of encouragement to her that I made it to the other side as she is not yet there.
Tuesday night, Lora came to the lifegroup I lead (Hephzibah shout out!) and I gave her my email and phone number if she wanted to hang out the rest of the week she was visiting. So Wed. morning she called and we decided to go up to Rockport, Ma to the shops and the beach.
I spent the day getting to know a beloved sister in Chirst and taking in stories of South Africa and Myanmar. While most of the things we shared were not very uplifting and a lot of pain and hurt came out of both of our stories, Lora left me craving Jesus. I love people who do that. When you can see on their face the painful situations that they have been in and yet they point to Jesus and say He is good. He sustains. He redeems. He is sovereign. I feel like I could have known her for at least a couple of years but it was only 4 hours.
There are many things about our conversation that I am still mulling over, but one thing stuck out to me the most. (paraphrased from memory) She said she is asking God, "What do You want of me?" because she knows what people all around her want. Her parents want one thing, her siblings another, her friends another and the list goes on. But the only person she is living to please is God. And if she doesn't know what He wants so she can pursue it she is at a standstill.
So Wed. night after hanging out with her I took Kayak, my precious puppy who turned 1 today and is sleeping by my side right now, for a walk around Horn Pond with my Bible. And I asked God, "What do You want of me? Why did You create me? Please, remind me tonight." I opened to Ephesians 3 since I had not read it yet and it was my "plan". The whole chapter, but esp. v. 2-12 and highlighting 8 was my answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My decision to go to seminary has been a process. I never would have imagined I would be going to get my Masters in Divinity, but God is leading and I do not want to take one step out of the path. Without making this the longest first blog entry ever, the path started back in January 09. Some reasons are; My dear friend Emily reminded me it was there and she shared her heart of how she had always wanted to go but was getting married and moving to So Cal (horrible life!) and she encouraged me to go. Feeling like God wants me in Boston and a part of the GENESIS church plant and trying to figure out what it looks like to stay here longer than I had originally thought. Talking with Michael Davis and seeing his enthuiasm for me to pursue further biblical knowledge. Noticing most Women's Conference speakers have a Masters in something. Meeting Alice Matthews and hearing her heart for Women's Ministry. Having the 5 undergrad college transcripts get there within a week of applying flawlessly. Getting in with two F's on my Moody transcript (from unfinished internships past that is now turned in!). And the list could go on.
But God is good. Amen? Amen.
So what does He want from you? What is the purpose of God's creating you? Because there is one. I encourage you all if you don't know what it is to pray into it. God will reveal it to you. And also find a plan to help you to read God's Word daily. The difference it will make in your life will be huge.
Thanks for reading!
It is interesting that today is the day I start a blog that will walk through my seminary years. If you are unaware, 40 is a pretty significant number used many times throughout the Bible. The number of days it rained while Noah was on the ark. The number of years the Israelites wandered in the desert. And many others. But most significant to me right now is that it is the number of days Jesus spent in the wilderness when the Spirit led Him out to be alone to fast and pray before He began His earthly ministry. I am going to take the next 40 days and fast from a few things that are unnecessary comforts in my life, like TV (since food would never work, though I will for select days - be in prayer!).
I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while now. I want to share what God is teaching me in my courses at Gordon-Conwell and in life. It is my heart's desire that this blog do two things. First, I want it to challenge you, the reader, to live a life that reflects what you claim to believe through telling how God is challenging me. Secondly, I want to use it as a place I can put things that I would like prayer for. So come as often as you like and comment if you desire. I can not say how often I will be posting new things, it will depend on the Spirit's leading, but it is my prayer over this blog that it can be full of words that are genuine and focused on Christ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"3:8" the title of the blog stands for the verse God gave me yesterday as my seminary verse. It comes from the book of Ephesians. It says,
"Although I am less than the least of all God's people,
this grace was given me:
to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ."
How I came upon this verse was definitely the Spirit's leading and bear with me, it is a long, inter-connected story.
This past weekend we had a Beach Day with the GENESIS women. After dinner, we began talking, as women do, and Krista mentioned the book of Ephesians for reasons unnecessary to type. I had randomly been reading parts of Eph. in my devos before that night but never from the beginning, intently or consistently.
Sunday night, GENESIS, the message was on how important the Word of God is to our lives and how we need to have a plan to read it. So Monday morning I got up early and started praying through where I should start my plan. Naturally Ephesians seemed the right place.
Monday Eph. 1.
Tuesday Eph. 2.
Wed's I do not get up early because I don't have to work.
Now, I need to preface Wed. with another occurance that took place back on Sunday night. I am usually a pretty friendly person and I try to meet all of the new women who I notice at GENESIS. Shea was talking to someone and I needed to mention something to her so I went over and introduced myself to Lora, a woman visiting some friends for the week. Usually I keep a conversation going by asking a crazy amount of questions to get the other person talking. But tonight was different. I could not come up with anything interesting to ask her. Lora and I still talked for 15 minutes or so and I found out she has been back in the US for 4 months after spending over a year abroad as a missionary. Without going into much detail of her story or mine I ended up talking about a couple of my bad ministry experiences... which if you are socially awkward, that is not a typical first conversation topic! On the drive home that night I thought to myself, that was weird, I can't believe I was talking about those things with someone I just met. But it was God. I did not know, but she related to me and it was a source of encouragement to her that I made it to the other side as she is not yet there.
Tuesday night, Lora came to the lifegroup I lead (Hephzibah shout out!) and I gave her my email and phone number if she wanted to hang out the rest of the week she was visiting. So Wed. morning she called and we decided to go up to Rockport, Ma to the shops and the beach.
I spent the day getting to know a beloved sister in Chirst and taking in stories of South Africa and Myanmar. While most of the things we shared were not very uplifting and a lot of pain and hurt came out of both of our stories, Lora left me craving Jesus. I love people who do that. When you can see on their face the painful situations that they have been in and yet they point to Jesus and say He is good. He sustains. He redeems. He is sovereign. I feel like I could have known her for at least a couple of years but it was only 4 hours.
There are many things about our conversation that I am still mulling over, but one thing stuck out to me the most. (paraphrased from memory) She said she is asking God, "What do You want of me?" because she knows what people all around her want. Her parents want one thing, her siblings another, her friends another and the list goes on. But the only person she is living to please is God. And if she doesn't know what He wants so she can pursue it she is at a standstill.
So Wed. night after hanging out with her I took Kayak, my precious puppy who turned 1 today and is sleeping by my side right now, for a walk around Horn Pond with my Bible. And I asked God, "What do You want of me? Why did You create me? Please, remind me tonight." I opened to Ephesians 3 since I had not read it yet and it was my "plan". The whole chapter, but esp. v. 2-12 and highlighting 8 was my answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My decision to go to seminary has been a process. I never would have imagined I would be going to get my Masters in Divinity, but God is leading and I do not want to take one step out of the path. Without making this the longest first blog entry ever, the path started back in January 09. Some reasons are; My dear friend Emily reminded me it was there and she shared her heart of how she had always wanted to go but was getting married and moving to So Cal (horrible life!) and she encouraged me to go. Feeling like God wants me in Boston and a part of the GENESIS church plant and trying to figure out what it looks like to stay here longer than I had originally thought. Talking with Michael Davis and seeing his enthuiasm for me to pursue further biblical knowledge. Noticing most Women's Conference speakers have a Masters in something. Meeting Alice Matthews and hearing her heart for Women's Ministry. Having the 5 undergrad college transcripts get there within a week of applying flawlessly. Getting in with two F's on my Moody transcript (from unfinished internships past that is now turned in!). And the list could go on.
But God is good. Amen? Amen.
So what does He want from you? What is the purpose of God's creating you? Because there is one. I encourage you all if you don't know what it is to pray into it. God will reveal it to you. And also find a plan to help you to read God's Word daily. The difference it will make in your life will be huge.
Thanks for reading!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
