doors.

I watched the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight and it makes me think of blogging a little differently. I am more aware that there really are people actually out there reading blogs like mine. It makes me wonder what the point is. Are people searching for something or just bored? Perhaps they are at work and need a glimpse into someone else's life for a few moments. Maybe they are a friend of the writer and helping them to perfect their artform. It could be that they just stumbled upon someone's writings about something that encourages or means a lot to them... Nevertheless, they are out there. Some of you I know. Some of you I might not know. I don't know why I am really writing other than I want to share the lessons God is teaching me in hopes that you all won't have to go through the same circumstances to learn the same lessons, but I know there are a lot of you like me.

I was told things my whole life that people had learned the hard way. Things like, "don't touch the stove, it's hot!" or "fire will burn you" or "don't awaken love until it so desires"... and many more. Yet I am here after having been burned by the stove, burned by the fire, and burned by premature love-like feelings. I had to learn these things for myself. It is so easy to look back and think, if I could only tell myself then what I know now... I wouldn't have touched the stove as a child, I wouldn't have kissed Anthony (the first guy I ever kissed), I wouldn't have gone to Alaska, I wouldn't have gone online for a man... (I probably still would have played with fire - I'm a pyro at heart!) but if I did tell myself those things, they would be lies. All of those experiences have brought me to a place where I know myself, my sinfulness and how utterly helpless I am. But even more importantly they have taught me about God, His grace and how extremely powerful He is.

Last night was the last time I will be on the Gordon-Conwell campus as a student, at least for now. I took my Greek final and then slipped into the chapel which was dark and cold. There was not a soul around but I needed to talk to God... and alone in the dark was even better. I knelt down at the front and started to cry. I remembered my first moment on campus this semester. I sat in a pew in the same room full of excitement and joy. I was dating a new guy who was amazing, I was pursuing my dream to know the Bible better, and the sun was shining. This time I found myself alone, dream crushed, and freezing. Thus I am again in a place where I could look back and say, "God, surely You didn't know this was going to happen or You would not have lead me here, right?" But, instead of being mad that He brought me to seminary for such a short period of time, I am grateful. (I still feel like I wasted a rather large chunk of money that could have done something else but hey, that's life!) And I cried not because I was dissappointed, but because I feel like my life is lacking a single focus, purpose, or plan. And I knew it was because I have not had many moments like that one in these past couple of months where I was on my knees alone with my Maker and Guide to align my thoughts with His. I confessed to God that my vision was blurred and I needed Him to turn my eyes upward to Him so I can see my life from His perspective.

What came out next was a new song, well, more like a short chorus. I have not written a song in a long time... aka. I can't remember the last one I wrote. I started writing songs when I was 14 and aspiring to "take over for Amy Grant when she got too old..." (What I used to tell myself! Haha!) This song was a different type than most I have written because it is simple and a song of surrender. I simply started singing these lines over and over again (though not too loud because I didn't know if I was allowed to be in the chapel in the dark that late!)

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Open the door to my heart, let me see
What is in store for the future of me
I can't comprehend just how great it must be
I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams

I give them to You, the One who knows better than me
My eyes are limited by what I can see
But You, O God, You see eternity
So I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
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It's so simple and yet so necessary. God has shut a door. He has done that many times before. But usually there is one open that blows my mind as He shuts them. Right now I can't see anything. But I am excited about the one that will open because I believe it will and most likely it is not something that I can even fathom right now and it probably would do me no good to know about - otherwise I believe He would show me!

Could you join me in praying that He would make extremely clear to me what door I am to walk through and that He would do it by opening only one door that is so wide that I wouldn't be able to not walk through it! I am open to going (or staying!) anywhere in the world, serving anyone, for however long, until God calls me home but I am not going to move an inch until He shows me with clarity. Isaiah 30 has a great verse for direction that Krista shared with me that will be in my next blog! ;) Thanks in advance for the prayers going up. I have more to share about the Scriptures He has given me this past week that are so awesome I am excited to sit and write about but after a long day I can't get into that right now and this is definitely long enough for tonight!

One week until Christmas! Where did the time go!? December is my favorite month of the year and it is passing too quickly. However, I am exuberantly excited about a journey God is leading me to take with Him in January though - which will be in the blog to come! :)