It is the last hours of 2009 and what do I have to say? I could talk about this year's mistakes and the things I hope to do better. I could mention the people who have walked into and/or out of my life. I could mention a plethora of places I went and things I saw and they would be good, but those things would just take up this space. I am sure would make a great read, but what I want to talk about is fire.
A few people have brought verses to me and a specific song has continually come up that shows me that this year God has had me going back and forth between the fire and the anvil. Getting melted in order to be shaped and repeat. Even the short times when I didn't feel like God was beating sin out of me, I look back and now know they were times I was in the fire. The times this year when I feel the closest to God my journal reflects such statements, "What a wretched woman I am. I am continually bent on doing evil. I can't get any part of holiness right. That doesn't mean that God is not at work in my life. It just means I am fighting Him every day. I know it comes down to a theology problem. My view of God is not correct. My actions are showing that I don't believe God is good, that He loves me, that He is sufficient, that He delights in doing good for me, that my sin grieves Him, and that my actions matter to Him." (6/3/09).
That entry alone pretty much explains the past year and a half. I have never felt so loved by God as I have the past two years, but that love is felt because I have never been more sinful in my actions. It is the perplexing condition that the closer you are to God the more sin you see in your own life. (The reverse is also true, the less sin you see in your life, the farther from God you are, whether or not how close you feel. If you find yourself thinking, I'm not that bad of a person, you should consult God. All sin is equal in God's eyes and you/I are no better than anyone else on this planet!)
The verses that have been brought to my attention are the following;
Isaiah 30:15-21 "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust will be your strength... the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of Justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him... And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."
Job 23:8-10 "I go forward, but He is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when He is working, I do not behold Him; He turns to the right hand, but I do not see Him. But He knows the way I should take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold."
"After the fire is over. After the ashes cool.
After the smoke has blown away, I will be here for you.
After the stillness finds you. After the winds of change.
All that is good and true between us, this will remain the same.
After your time of wandering along this lonely road.
You will hear many voices calling, mine will say, "Welcome home!"
Slowly, slowly we turn the page of life.
Growing, knowing it comes at quite a price.
I will be here for you." ~ After the Fire by Amy Grant
These three things should be enough to convice you of the fire I am in. I know I have a lot to work on and I know I have not put forth the effort that I should be these past couple of months that I have been drowing myself in my sorrow, but I also know that the longer I wait to melt and allow the shaping of my heart the harder the blows are going to come and the longer it will take. God is working and will continue to work and I am either working with or against Him.
God is longing to be gracious to us and lead us. But we have a heart problem. We don't listen for His voice nor look for His hand of guidance. Or worse. When He does speak or lead we don't like what we see and hear and so we protest and fight Him. However, when we allow our own hearts to be melted by the fire, the Holy Spirit, instead of trying to stay hard, that is when the pain gets purpose and our outlook on life becomes clear. Yeilding to the Spirit, as Job did, and trusting that the fire is not meant for harm but for our good (since everything God does in our lives is for our good) takes trust and faith in a good God. And it comes from a correct theology, true knowlegde of who God is.
The fires I have been in this past year and half are intensifying my sanctification, the process by which I am working out my salvation and becoming the woman God has claimed I am because of Jesus' work on the cross to pay for my sin. Many years of my life I have looked back and said I am no different than I am a year ago. Praise to God (because of the fires!) I can look back this year and say I am not the same woman I was a year ago, or even a month ago. He is working in my heart to bind up the wounds and heal the scars. And He has been working all along. The times when I have allowed myself to be worked on it has produced more lasting results than the times I have tried to resist Him.
I want to end this year moldable, trusting, humble, and looking more like Jesus because of how I listened to His voice and trusted Him, even when it didn't make sense to me. I give up the fight. I am tapping out. I don't want to wrestle Him anymore. I just want to trust in His goodness to do in my life all He desires for my good and His glory.
Let's hope twenty-ten brings with it brighter hope, deeper trust and a more pliable heart!
12.31.2009
12.27.2009
twenty6.
Hi. I am 26. I am single. No, I am not a failure.
If you find yourself in the same place do you ever feel like that is how you need to identify yourself?
At the holidays especially there seems to be added pressure for single people to be in a serious relationship. I think this needs to change. First off, because singleness is to be preferred over marriage (as per Jesus and Paul the apostle... They even basically say that marriage is for the weak... but I am not going to get into that tonight!). Second reason, God is getting more glory from my being single than if I was married right now. Do you want to know how I know this is true? Because I am single. He is omnipotent, all-powerful. Do you really think He would let me (and you) be in this situation if it was giving Him less glory than something else that He had the power to make happen? I could be married right now. But by God's grace He has saved me from those potentially hazardous situations that I am confident would have brought Him way less glory. I also could have a baby right now. But by God's great grace He has prohibited that from happening. He has enabled me to remain single for the time being for a purpose that is somewhat unknown to me. But that is okay with me. I don't care if I ever get married or not. Marriage is not my life's purpose! God's glory and His kingdom expanded are my purpose. I fully trust He will work out whatever situation is best for me to produce the most fruit in those two areas at every age of my life.
I am 26 and I am single but I am not going to waste this year. The past two years have brought two situations with men that I thought were leading to marriage. One was a bad situation that I entered into without God's consent that I never should have gotten myself into and He had to rescue me from. The other was a great situation that God put me into with a godly man that God also took me out of. Neither of these two were the man for me. And that is ok! This year, I honestly hope and pray I can not find a man to have a story with. As a teenager I used to pray that only one man would ever be interested in me so I never had to be confused or deal with a broken heart. Now that I have dealt with both situations I know God has a purpose for them. I can relate better to so many more women and hopefully encourage others not to enter into the situations I did. It might sound strange but I do not regret either situation. It would be easy for me to look forward to this year and say, who is going to be the guy for my 26th year. But I don't want that. I want to commit this year to the Man who holds my heart, or should. I want Jesus to get all of me. Since these past two guys made me seriously consider and desire marriage I want to make sure I do not just consider marriage a goal. I am raising the bar because of them (more the second guy than the first!) and I am going to make sure that my heart is so close to Jesus' that any guy will have to go to Him to find mine. And in the meantime I am going to encourage as many women as I can who are in, have been in or could in the future be in the same situations I have been through these past two years. So that said, my heart is off the market. It is taken. Sorry guys but it is not up to me anymore. If you want it, you'll know where to go!
I have had a great couple of days with my extended family. These few days have enabled me to be removed from the monotony of my daily life and reminded me that I am loved by some amazing people. I am also reminded that if I don't have a family of my own someday that is ok because I could have had that right now with the wrong guy and God had to do some crazy things to stop it from happening. I would much rather be single where I am right now than with someone who isn't God's best for me. And if God's best for me is only Him, He will give me the grace and strength to live that out and use my time wisely.
So while God perfects me and I work out my sanctification, I trust that He will show me the purpose of all His dealings in my life which continually remind me that people let me down but He remains constant, is always looking out for my well-being, loves me with a sacrificial love, gives me grace upon grace, shows mercy to my adulteress heart, is faithful in my unfaithfulness, and ultimately is all-powerful, all-knowing and seeking His glory - which is the purpose of my existence. Who could go wrong remembering that?
If you find yourself in the same place do you ever feel like that is how you need to identify yourself?
At the holidays especially there seems to be added pressure for single people to be in a serious relationship. I think this needs to change. First off, because singleness is to be preferred over marriage (as per Jesus and Paul the apostle... They even basically say that marriage is for the weak... but I am not going to get into that tonight!). Second reason, God is getting more glory from my being single than if I was married right now. Do you want to know how I know this is true? Because I am single. He is omnipotent, all-powerful. Do you really think He would let me (and you) be in this situation if it was giving Him less glory than something else that He had the power to make happen? I could be married right now. But by God's grace He has saved me from those potentially hazardous situations that I am confident would have brought Him way less glory. I also could have a baby right now. But by God's great grace He has prohibited that from happening. He has enabled me to remain single for the time being for a purpose that is somewhat unknown to me. But that is okay with me. I don't care if I ever get married or not. Marriage is not my life's purpose! God's glory and His kingdom expanded are my purpose. I fully trust He will work out whatever situation is best for me to produce the most fruit in those two areas at every age of my life.
I am 26 and I am single but I am not going to waste this year. The past two years have brought two situations with men that I thought were leading to marriage. One was a bad situation that I entered into without God's consent that I never should have gotten myself into and He had to rescue me from. The other was a great situation that God put me into with a godly man that God also took me out of. Neither of these two were the man for me. And that is ok! This year, I honestly hope and pray I can not find a man to have a story with. As a teenager I used to pray that only one man would ever be interested in me so I never had to be confused or deal with a broken heart. Now that I have dealt with both situations I know God has a purpose for them. I can relate better to so many more women and hopefully encourage others not to enter into the situations I did. It might sound strange but I do not regret either situation. It would be easy for me to look forward to this year and say, who is going to be the guy for my 26th year. But I don't want that. I want to commit this year to the Man who holds my heart, or should. I want Jesus to get all of me. Since these past two guys made me seriously consider and desire marriage I want to make sure I do not just consider marriage a goal. I am raising the bar because of them (more the second guy than the first!) and I am going to make sure that my heart is so close to Jesus' that any guy will have to go to Him to find mine. And in the meantime I am going to encourage as many women as I can who are in, have been in or could in the future be in the same situations I have been through these past two years. So that said, my heart is off the market. It is taken. Sorry guys but it is not up to me anymore. If you want it, you'll know where to go!
I have had a great couple of days with my extended family. These few days have enabled me to be removed from the monotony of my daily life and reminded me that I am loved by some amazing people. I am also reminded that if I don't have a family of my own someday that is ok because I could have had that right now with the wrong guy and God had to do some crazy things to stop it from happening. I would much rather be single where I am right now than with someone who isn't God's best for me. And if God's best for me is only Him, He will give me the grace and strength to live that out and use my time wisely.
So while God perfects me and I work out my sanctification, I trust that He will show me the purpose of all His dealings in my life which continually remind me that people let me down but He remains constant, is always looking out for my well-being, loves me with a sacrificial love, gives me grace upon grace, shows mercy to my adulteress heart, is faithful in my unfaithfulness, and ultimately is all-powerful, all-knowing and seeking His glory - which is the purpose of my existence. Who could go wrong remembering that?
12.20.2009
strategic.
Hey,
If you are reading this I need prayer. This past weekend I found myself in a horrible pattern of life that I used to live in high school... get up, lazily do nothing remotely important, go to bed, repeat... I know that my life has advanced beyond this and I used to love life but I have found myself going back to a sort of depression that I believe comes from a lack of direction in life. I know my last blog post was asking God to open a door but I still feel no direction and like I will not have one for a while. I have 28.5 hours to finish more things than I would ever be able to get done in that time for two classes. Problem is that I have to work tomorrow and Tues. I will be able to do some work in that time if I am motivated but I lack the motivation. I think it comes from the thought that I am going to fail anyway so why put forth effort when I can just not do it and end with the same result. I don't know if you ever think that way, but that is how my brain works. If I don't see a result that looks appealing then I don't bother to put forth effort. I believe in the Strengthsfinder 2.0 test it was my "strategic" strength. Always looking for the fastest, lowest output way to finish with the maximum result. When the result is not there there is no fastest way to get there. So pray I see purpose. I really think I am going to have to fail the one course because I don't have time to do all the work for both. And I had planned on spending this past weekend taking my take home exam but in studying I feel like I do not know enough information because I have spent time doing frivilous things instead of studying like blogging... needless to say I am going to bed now and hoping to actually study and take the exam tomorrow, not mailing anything in for the other course I will take the F in and then maybe sleeping with peace the following night. Prayers greatly appreciated, needless to say! :) Thanks!
If you are reading this I need prayer. This past weekend I found myself in a horrible pattern of life that I used to live in high school... get up, lazily do nothing remotely important, go to bed, repeat... I know that my life has advanced beyond this and I used to love life but I have found myself going back to a sort of depression that I believe comes from a lack of direction in life. I know my last blog post was asking God to open a door but I still feel no direction and like I will not have one for a while. I have 28.5 hours to finish more things than I would ever be able to get done in that time for two classes. Problem is that I have to work tomorrow and Tues. I will be able to do some work in that time if I am motivated but I lack the motivation. I think it comes from the thought that I am going to fail anyway so why put forth effort when I can just not do it and end with the same result. I don't know if you ever think that way, but that is how my brain works. If I don't see a result that looks appealing then I don't bother to put forth effort. I believe in the Strengthsfinder 2.0 test it was my "strategic" strength. Always looking for the fastest, lowest output way to finish with the maximum result. When the result is not there there is no fastest way to get there. So pray I see purpose. I really think I am going to have to fail the one course because I don't have time to do all the work for both. And I had planned on spending this past weekend taking my take home exam but in studying I feel like I do not know enough information because I have spent time doing frivilous things instead of studying like blogging... needless to say I am going to bed now and hoping to actually study and take the exam tomorrow, not mailing anything in for the other course I will take the F in and then maybe sleeping with peace the following night. Prayers greatly appreciated, needless to say! :) Thanks!
12.18.2009
doors.
I watched the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight and it makes me think of blogging a little differently. I am more aware that there really are people actually out there reading blogs like mine. It makes me wonder what the point is. Are people searching for something or just bored? Perhaps they are at work and need a glimpse into someone else's life for a few moments. Maybe they are a friend of the writer and helping them to perfect their artform. It could be that they just stumbled upon someone's writings about something that encourages or means a lot to them... Nevertheless, they are out there. Some of you I know. Some of you I might not know. I don't know why I am really writing other than I want to share the lessons God is teaching me in hopes that you all won't have to go through the same circumstances to learn the same lessons, but I know there are a lot of you like me.
I was told things my whole life that people had learned the hard way. Things like, "don't touch the stove, it's hot!" or "fire will burn you" or "don't awaken love until it so desires"... and many more. Yet I am here after having been burned by the stove, burned by the fire, and burned by premature love-like feelings. I had to learn these things for myself. It is so easy to look back and think, if I could only tell myself then what I know now... I wouldn't have touched the stove as a child, I wouldn't have kissed Anthony (the first guy I ever kissed), I wouldn't have gone to Alaska, I wouldn't have gone online for a man... (I probably still would have played with fire - I'm a pyro at heart!) but if I did tell myself those things, they would be lies. All of those experiences have brought me to a place where I know myself, my sinfulness and how utterly helpless I am. But even more importantly they have taught me about God, His grace and how extremely powerful He is.
Last night was the last time I will be on the Gordon-Conwell campus as a student, at least for now. I took my Greek final and then slipped into the chapel which was dark and cold. There was not a soul around but I needed to talk to God... and alone in the dark was even better. I knelt down at the front and started to cry. I remembered my first moment on campus this semester. I sat in a pew in the same room full of excitement and joy. I was dating a new guy who was amazing, I was pursuing my dream to know the Bible better, and the sun was shining. This time I found myself alone, dream crushed, and freezing. Thus I am again in a place where I could look back and say, "God, surely You didn't know this was going to happen or You would not have lead me here, right?" But, instead of being mad that He brought me to seminary for such a short period of time, I am grateful. (I still feel like I wasted a rather large chunk of money that could have done something else but hey, that's life!) And I cried not because I was dissappointed, but because I feel like my life is lacking a single focus, purpose, or plan. And I knew it was because I have not had many moments like that one in these past couple of months where I was on my knees alone with my Maker and Guide to align my thoughts with His. I confessed to God that my vision was blurred and I needed Him to turn my eyes upward to Him so I can see my life from His perspective.
What came out next was a new song, well, more like a short chorus. I have not written a song in a long time... aka. I can't remember the last one I wrote. I started writing songs when I was 14 and aspiring to "take over for Amy Grant when she got too old..." (What I used to tell myself! Haha!) This song was a different type than most I have written because it is simple and a song of surrender. I simply started singing these lines over and over again (though not too loud because I didn't know if I was allowed to be in the chapel in the dark that late!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Open the door to my heart, let me see
What is in store for the future of me
I can't comprehend just how great it must be
I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
I give them to You, the One who knows better than me
My eyes are limited by what I can see
But You, O God, You see eternity
So I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's so simple and yet so necessary. God has shut a door. He has done that many times before. But usually there is one open that blows my mind as He shuts them. Right now I can't see anything. But I am excited about the one that will open because I believe it will and most likely it is not something that I can even fathom right now and it probably would do me no good to know about - otherwise I believe He would show me!
Could you join me in praying that He would make extremely clear to me what door I am to walk through and that He would do it by opening only one door that is so wide that I wouldn't be able to not walk through it! I am open to going (or staying!) anywhere in the world, serving anyone, for however long, until God calls me home but I am not going to move an inch until He shows me with clarity. Isaiah 30 has a great verse for direction that Krista shared with me that will be in my next blog! ;) Thanks in advance for the prayers going up. I have more to share about the Scriptures He has given me this past week that are so awesome I am excited to sit and write about but after a long day I can't get into that right now and this is definitely long enough for tonight!
One week until Christmas! Where did the time go!? December is my favorite month of the year and it is passing too quickly. However, I am exuberantly excited about a journey God is leading me to take with Him in January though - which will be in the blog to come! :)
I was told things my whole life that people had learned the hard way. Things like, "don't touch the stove, it's hot!" or "fire will burn you" or "don't awaken love until it so desires"... and many more. Yet I am here after having been burned by the stove, burned by the fire, and burned by premature love-like feelings. I had to learn these things for myself. It is so easy to look back and think, if I could only tell myself then what I know now... I wouldn't have touched the stove as a child, I wouldn't have kissed Anthony (the first guy I ever kissed), I wouldn't have gone to Alaska, I wouldn't have gone online for a man... (I probably still would have played with fire - I'm a pyro at heart!) but if I did tell myself those things, they would be lies. All of those experiences have brought me to a place where I know myself, my sinfulness and how utterly helpless I am. But even more importantly they have taught me about God, His grace and how extremely powerful He is.
Last night was the last time I will be on the Gordon-Conwell campus as a student, at least for now. I took my Greek final and then slipped into the chapel which was dark and cold. There was not a soul around but I needed to talk to God... and alone in the dark was even better. I knelt down at the front and started to cry. I remembered my first moment on campus this semester. I sat in a pew in the same room full of excitement and joy. I was dating a new guy who was amazing, I was pursuing my dream to know the Bible better, and the sun was shining. This time I found myself alone, dream crushed, and freezing. Thus I am again in a place where I could look back and say, "God, surely You didn't know this was going to happen or You would not have lead me here, right?" But, instead of being mad that He brought me to seminary for such a short period of time, I am grateful. (I still feel like I wasted a rather large chunk of money that could have done something else but hey, that's life!) And I cried not because I was dissappointed, but because I feel like my life is lacking a single focus, purpose, or plan. And I knew it was because I have not had many moments like that one in these past couple of months where I was on my knees alone with my Maker and Guide to align my thoughts with His. I confessed to God that my vision was blurred and I needed Him to turn my eyes upward to Him so I can see my life from His perspective.
What came out next was a new song, well, more like a short chorus. I have not written a song in a long time... aka. I can't remember the last one I wrote. I started writing songs when I was 14 and aspiring to "take over for Amy Grant when she got too old..." (What I used to tell myself! Haha!) This song was a different type than most I have written because it is simple and a song of surrender. I simply started singing these lines over and over again (though not too loud because I didn't know if I was allowed to be in the chapel in the dark that late!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Open the door to my heart, let me see
What is in store for the future of me
I can't comprehend just how great it must be
I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
I give them to You, the One who knows better than me
My eyes are limited by what I can see
But You, O God, You see eternity
So I'm giving up all my hopes, my plans, my dreams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's so simple and yet so necessary. God has shut a door. He has done that many times before. But usually there is one open that blows my mind as He shuts them. Right now I can't see anything. But I am excited about the one that will open because I believe it will and most likely it is not something that I can even fathom right now and it probably would do me no good to know about - otherwise I believe He would show me!
Could you join me in praying that He would make extremely clear to me what door I am to walk through and that He would do it by opening only one door that is so wide that I wouldn't be able to not walk through it! I am open to going (or staying!) anywhere in the world, serving anyone, for however long, until God calls me home but I am not going to move an inch until He shows me with clarity. Isaiah 30 has a great verse for direction that Krista shared with me that will be in my next blog! ;) Thanks in advance for the prayers going up. I have more to share about the Scriptures He has given me this past week that are so awesome I am excited to sit and write about but after a long day I can't get into that right now and this is definitely long enough for tonight!
One week until Christmas! Where did the time go!? December is my favorite month of the year and it is passing too quickly. However, I am exuberantly excited about a journey God is leading me to take with Him in January though - which will be in the blog to come! :)
12.10.2009
counting.
Have you ever counted down the days to something? Either looking forward to something great to come or to try to get away from something bad in the past? I find myself doing both almost daily. There is always something to look forward to and always something not to look back at. I found myself doing the latter today. Today for me was a day to realize I am ok. I forgive. I am not bitter. I am loved immensely by an omnipotent God and I have an amazing group of friends and family.
As I think about people counting days I remembered a friend of mine at Camp Berea who I worked with one summer. He was engaged to be married at the end of the summer and every day would doodle the number of days until the wedding on whatever paper he could find. There were numbers everywhere in the program office! It was so wonderful to see him so enthralled and captivated with the anticipation of what was to come.
I wonder if God ever doodles the number of days left until we get to spend eternity with Him? He alone knows the hour when Christ will return and bring us all to be with Him. How much anticipation do you think He has when He thinks about the marriage supper of the Lamb, Jesus, and His bride, the Church?! After all we have spent so many years astranged from Him because of sin. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! I believe Jesus is so excited about it that He is going around heaven smiling and doodling my name, and yours, on everything He can find!
I sure hope that Day comes soon, but it makes me think. Why don't I live counting down the days until I can be with Him forever? Why do I only count down toward petty things on Earth that are temporary and will vanish like the morning dew? I don't need to know the exact day He will return to live accordingly. I should live with a heavenly perspective each and every day of my life. Every day I can live waiting, hoping, and wishing that today would be the day I get to be with Him. And while I am waiting for Him to come back and take me home to be with Him forever I can read His love letters to me in the Bible and continue to become the bride He longs for. (How come when we are in a relationship with someone on Earth we just don't think of these things?! :) )
In my lifegroup this week we were encouraged to make lists of what we are longing for in a future man. I hesitated making one (partly because I have made many in the past and partly because I am worried no one will ever live up to my standard!). But I think about how the Bible is the list, the standard, we ought to be living up to for Jesus, our Bridegroom. Yikes!!! I don't live in love with Him the way that He is so deeply in love with me. I am an adulterous harlot selling myself to all the wrong people and things. I should be pursuing things like holiness, godliness, purity, grace, etc. I need to change my perspective. He not only fits any list I could make but blows them all out of the water! He died to prove His love for me! And even now in a cloud nine, exuberant state making preparations to bring me home to be with Him! And what am I doing with this time?! What are you? We should be preparing ourselves the way a bride prepares for the wedding day. It starts months ahead of time with a dress and goes down to the smallest detail of each strategically placed sequin. Each flower placed just right. Each piece of hair sprayed in place. What if we took this analogy and placed it on our character traits. How about the lists of things in the Bible that we should be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control... compassion, humility, kindness... to name a few?! Let's work on those while He is working on our house and keep on counting!!! :)
_________________________________________
ps. I know I have blogged a little about the past 51 days and my uncertain thoughts and feelings, but know that God and I are doing great today! He has answered a lot of your prayers for me to keep on keeping on and I am forever grateful to you all for praying! Prayer is so powerful!
As I think about people counting days I remembered a friend of mine at Camp Berea who I worked with one summer. He was engaged to be married at the end of the summer and every day would doodle the number of days until the wedding on whatever paper he could find. There were numbers everywhere in the program office! It was so wonderful to see him so enthralled and captivated with the anticipation of what was to come.
I wonder if God ever doodles the number of days left until we get to spend eternity with Him? He alone knows the hour when Christ will return and bring us all to be with Him. How much anticipation do you think He has when He thinks about the marriage supper of the Lamb, Jesus, and His bride, the Church?! After all we have spent so many years astranged from Him because of sin. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it! I believe Jesus is so excited about it that He is going around heaven smiling and doodling my name, and yours, on everything He can find!
I sure hope that Day comes soon, but it makes me think. Why don't I live counting down the days until I can be with Him forever? Why do I only count down toward petty things on Earth that are temporary and will vanish like the morning dew? I don't need to know the exact day He will return to live accordingly. I should live with a heavenly perspective each and every day of my life. Every day I can live waiting, hoping, and wishing that today would be the day I get to be with Him. And while I am waiting for Him to come back and take me home to be with Him forever I can read His love letters to me in the Bible and continue to become the bride He longs for. (How come when we are in a relationship with someone on Earth we just don't think of these things?! :) )
In my lifegroup this week we were encouraged to make lists of what we are longing for in a future man. I hesitated making one (partly because I have made many in the past and partly because I am worried no one will ever live up to my standard!). But I think about how the Bible is the list, the standard, we ought to be living up to for Jesus, our Bridegroom. Yikes!!! I don't live in love with Him the way that He is so deeply in love with me. I am an adulterous harlot selling myself to all the wrong people and things. I should be pursuing things like holiness, godliness, purity, grace, etc. I need to change my perspective. He not only fits any list I could make but blows them all out of the water! He died to prove His love for me! And even now in a cloud nine, exuberant state making preparations to bring me home to be with Him! And what am I doing with this time?! What are you? We should be preparing ourselves the way a bride prepares for the wedding day. It starts months ahead of time with a dress and goes down to the smallest detail of each strategically placed sequin. Each flower placed just right. Each piece of hair sprayed in place. What if we took this analogy and placed it on our character traits. How about the lists of things in the Bible that we should be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control... compassion, humility, kindness... to name a few?! Let's work on those while He is working on our house and keep on counting!!! :)
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ps. I know I have blogged a little about the past 51 days and my uncertain thoughts and feelings, but know that God and I are doing great today! He has answered a lot of your prayers for me to keep on keeping on and I am forever grateful to you all for praying! Prayer is so powerful!
immeasurable love.
I listened to a great podcast today. It was from Chip Ingram's "How to overcome pain" series... this one on broken relationships. It is well worth the dollar I spent to get it. It was just so neat that God lead me to listen to it today. You see I have been looking forward to today for the past 51 days. Not Dec. 10 necessarily, but for 51 days to elapse since DJ and I broke up. That is how long we officially dated and I thought that once today came, when we would be "friends" for as long as we officially dated, that I would be completely moved on and life would go back to the way it was before him. That is not completely true, but God is continually teaching me to trust Him in all things even this pain. (I would encourage you all to listen to this message if you have any broken relationships (not just romantic) and could use some healing. You can borrow my itouch if you want!).
This podcast revealed to me all the areas I have done these last 51 days wrong. The message was from Ephesians 3:14-21 (which is the same chapter I got my name for this blog from). He walked through the four steps we must take to heal broken relationships and how God can use broken relationships to bring us to a deeper knowledge of His immense love for us if we let Him.
The four steps Chip outlines to overcome the pain of past broken relationships are;
-Take it to the Father (FIRST!) (3:14-15). So many Christians would rather pay a Christian counselor to listen to them than spend an hour on their knees. He says we are living in a world where Christians don't pray.
-Ask God to have inner strength to yeild to and not resist His work (3:16). We all go for the instant quick fix to numb the pain; we go to another relationship or pull back from all, to substances, to sex, to any adrenaline rush we can find, etc. but we should be letting Him use the pain to bring us to Him and allow Him to have free reign (control) of our hearts.
-Ask God to help us grasp and experience His love (3:17-19). Recognizing He loves you and doesn't ever do anything to harm you. He sees the bigger picture and He invited us to go to Him to see it with Him so we can experience His love in a new, deeper way.
-Expect Him to answer these prayers in ways beyond what we can ask or imagine (3:20-21). His power and imagination are beyond our comprehension. He is longing to answer our prayers for the above 3 steps in a way that shows the world that it was His doing so He will get all the credit and glory!
This message pointed out to me that I need to recognize God as the one who brings all things to bring Him glory, good and bad but all things He does so that we can not take any credit for ourselves. If we try to manipulate the situation we come out on the other side thinking, "Look what I did," when we should let Him be in control (since He is anyway!) be saying, "Look what God did!" He mentioned that there is nothing like a broken relationship to show us how people let us down and God is the only One who will never let us down. God will continually remove things from our life not because He is a mean God but because He is a loving God who wants to show us Who we can trust and let Him work all things for our good.
I do not know the future, but I know the One who holds the future and that He is bent on doing me good out of His immense love for me, that He is extremely powerful beyond what I can imagine, and that His dreams for my life are immeasurably greater than anything I could fathom. I am excited about the journey to come and I will cling to Him, the One who will not let me down, along the way.
__________________
I didn't know my blog would end up like this as I started it, but I want it to continually be an honest look at what God is teaching me with that hope that there is at least one person who needs to be encouraged from hearing it. I am a sinner saved by beautiful grace.
This podcast revealed to me all the areas I have done these last 51 days wrong. The message was from Ephesians 3:14-21 (which is the same chapter I got my name for this blog from). He walked through the four steps we must take to heal broken relationships and how God can use broken relationships to bring us to a deeper knowledge of His immense love for us if we let Him.
The four steps Chip outlines to overcome the pain of past broken relationships are;
-Take it to the Father (FIRST!) (3:14-15). So many Christians would rather pay a Christian counselor to listen to them than spend an hour on their knees. He says we are living in a world where Christians don't pray.
-Ask God to have inner strength to yeild to and not resist His work (3:16). We all go for the instant quick fix to numb the pain; we go to another relationship or pull back from all, to substances, to sex, to any adrenaline rush we can find, etc. but we should be letting Him use the pain to bring us to Him and allow Him to have free reign (control) of our hearts.
-Ask God to help us grasp and experience His love (3:17-19). Recognizing He loves you and doesn't ever do anything to harm you. He sees the bigger picture and He invited us to go to Him to see it with Him so we can experience His love in a new, deeper way.
-Expect Him to answer these prayers in ways beyond what we can ask or imagine (3:20-21). His power and imagination are beyond our comprehension. He is longing to answer our prayers for the above 3 steps in a way that shows the world that it was His doing so He will get all the credit and glory!
This message pointed out to me that I need to recognize God as the one who brings all things to bring Him glory, good and bad but all things He does so that we can not take any credit for ourselves. If we try to manipulate the situation we come out on the other side thinking, "Look what I did," when we should let Him be in control (since He is anyway!) be saying, "Look what God did!" He mentioned that there is nothing like a broken relationship to show us how people let us down and God is the only One who will never let us down. God will continually remove things from our life not because He is a mean God but because He is a loving God who wants to show us Who we can trust and let Him work all things for our good.
I do not know the future, but I know the One who holds the future and that He is bent on doing me good out of His immense love for me, that He is extremely powerful beyond what I can imagine, and that His dreams for my life are immeasurably greater than anything I could fathom. I am excited about the journey to come and I will cling to Him, the One who will not let me down, along the way.
__________________
I didn't know my blog would end up like this as I started it, but I want it to continually be an honest look at what God is teaching me with that hope that there is at least one person who needs to be encouraged from hearing it. I am a sinner saved by beautiful grace.
12.08.2009
worrier.
My body is craving a soul sabbath. I need a break from everything and time to rest in God's goodness. I feel like I have been crazy busy lately... pretty much since August. Sometimes it is what I pack my schedule full of and sometimes it is simply what I pack my head full of. I need to take time to give it all over to God... again.
Drop off, limp over and pick up, drop off, crawl back and pick up, drop off, run back and pick up... that is the story of my Fall. I give something over to God and then I go right back to pick it up. It literally is making me physically ill. I haven't been able to sleep much or eat much this past couple months because of the things I am filling my head with. I am not just trusting God in His sovereignty and will. Do you ever find yourself in the same place? Why is it so easy for us to worry? I never thought I was a worrier until lately where I begin to see how I want control of a particular situation. I don't know the future and it simply consumes my thoughts and becomes all I want to know. I let the options consume my thoughts and literally make me nauseous. I have lost about 10 pounds through this worry process as well... which some might be grateful for, but I know it is not healthy and I don't want to waste away to nothing. I have let it take me to a place where all food repulses me and I wake up throughout the night constantly.
If you are in the same place currently or have been there let us challenge ourselves to hold fast to God's sovereignty. To believe it in our heads is one thing but to live it out is another. We do not want to trust the only One who is trustworthy. How foolish is that! We can better trust Him than we can trust ourselves! God lead me to Proverbs 3:5-6 late last night as I was having trouble sleeping. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight." Wow. How many times have I heard that verse. It is time to make it my mantra. Whenever I start to worry I need to repeat this over and over and over and over... you get the point. If you are there right now also, try writing it down and putting it in your pocket. Let's leave God as the one in complete control and let Him play out in His time the details of our lives. Because He cares about every little detail and there is nothing to worry about! *sigh*
If you could pray that I would fully surrender everything to God, including the unknown future, and that I would leave it there that would be wonderful and helpful. And ontop of that that I would sleep and be able to eat normally again. Thanks! As always if you have any prayer requests let me know!
Drop off, limp over and pick up, drop off, crawl back and pick up, drop off, run back and pick up... that is the story of my Fall. I give something over to God and then I go right back to pick it up. It literally is making me physically ill. I haven't been able to sleep much or eat much this past couple months because of the things I am filling my head with. I am not just trusting God in His sovereignty and will. Do you ever find yourself in the same place? Why is it so easy for us to worry? I never thought I was a worrier until lately where I begin to see how I want control of a particular situation. I don't know the future and it simply consumes my thoughts and becomes all I want to know. I let the options consume my thoughts and literally make me nauseous. I have lost about 10 pounds through this worry process as well... which some might be grateful for, but I know it is not healthy and I don't want to waste away to nothing. I have let it take me to a place where all food repulses me and I wake up throughout the night constantly.
If you are in the same place currently or have been there let us challenge ourselves to hold fast to God's sovereignty. To believe it in our heads is one thing but to live it out is another. We do not want to trust the only One who is trustworthy. How foolish is that! We can better trust Him than we can trust ourselves! God lead me to Proverbs 3:5-6 late last night as I was having trouble sleeping. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight." Wow. How many times have I heard that verse. It is time to make it my mantra. Whenever I start to worry I need to repeat this over and over and over and over... you get the point. If you are there right now also, try writing it down and putting it in your pocket. Let's leave God as the one in complete control and let Him play out in His time the details of our lives. Because He cares about every little detail and there is nothing to worry about! *sigh*
If you could pray that I would fully surrender everything to God, including the unknown future, and that I would leave it there that would be wonderful and helpful. And ontop of that that I would sleep and be able to eat normally again. Thanks! As always if you have any prayer requests let me know!
12.03.2009
awaken.
Please pray for Erin (wife/mom), Morgan, Claudia and Graham. Their husband/father, Thomas Young, who was the pastor of an Acts 29 church in Texas ended his own life last Friday. GENESIS, the church I am a part of here in Boston, is a part of the Acts 29 network. My heart grieves for these sisters and brother in Christ of whom I have never met. I can not imagine what they are going through.
This story is so sad, however it is also a wake up call. It is a reminder that we are all only one step away from the pit of any sin. We can all fall into any temptation at any moment. The father of lies is prowling around this Earth like a lion trying to devour those who believe! Why do we forget this and live in complacency? Why do we judge those who have fallen instead of be the one to help them back to Jesus? A good person does not walk on by thinking the bad will rub off on their good. A good person carries the one who can not walk for themselves. We are all in times the one who has fallen. If we think we are not we fool ourselves and need to look in the mirror of the Word for a fresh view of who we really are. I saw this happen in my own life last year. I fell in a way I never thought or even imagined I would. My spiritual armor was off and Satan's lies overpowered me and I was down. Praise can only go to God for coming to rescue me as I was helpless to do anything on my own!
How is your armor today? (For checklist, see Eph. 6:10-20) Satan is looking for easy targets as well as for men and women who God desires to use mightily. Look at the life of Job. Satan will use any means to try to cripple an individual or the Church, Jesus' bride. He goes after individuals as a means to get ahold of a community. This is what I believe he is doing with leading Thomas to take his own life. His church, The Sanctuary, is going to go through the hardest time they ever have and we need to continually uplift them in prayer as well.
The good thing we can be aware of is that through testing we come out with perseverance. Through perseverance we look more like Christ. (2 Pet. 5-8) When I look back at my biggest failure and God's deliverance of me from it I see two things. How much God loves me and how strong the enemy is. Let us not forget either of these things!
Wake up, O Sleeper! And put on your armor! We want to STAND at the end, not limp away!!!
If this story touches you at all please pray for his wife, children and extended family (The Sanctuary - the church he pastored) AND sharpen your Sword, put on your armor and be ready so when the devil goes after you you can fight hard and remain standing.
This story is so sad, however it is also a wake up call. It is a reminder that we are all only one step away from the pit of any sin. We can all fall into any temptation at any moment. The father of lies is prowling around this Earth like a lion trying to devour those who believe! Why do we forget this and live in complacency? Why do we judge those who have fallen instead of be the one to help them back to Jesus? A good person does not walk on by thinking the bad will rub off on their good. A good person carries the one who can not walk for themselves. We are all in times the one who has fallen. If we think we are not we fool ourselves and need to look in the mirror of the Word for a fresh view of who we really are. I saw this happen in my own life last year. I fell in a way I never thought or even imagined I would. My spiritual armor was off and Satan's lies overpowered me and I was down. Praise can only go to God for coming to rescue me as I was helpless to do anything on my own!
How is your armor today? (For checklist, see Eph. 6:10-20) Satan is looking for easy targets as well as for men and women who God desires to use mightily. Look at the life of Job. Satan will use any means to try to cripple an individual or the Church, Jesus' bride. He goes after individuals as a means to get ahold of a community. This is what I believe he is doing with leading Thomas to take his own life. His church, The Sanctuary, is going to go through the hardest time they ever have and we need to continually uplift them in prayer as well.
The good thing we can be aware of is that through testing we come out with perseverance. Through perseverance we look more like Christ. (2 Pet. 5-8) When I look back at my biggest failure and God's deliverance of me from it I see two things. How much God loves me and how strong the enemy is. Let us not forget either of these things!
Wake up, O Sleeper! And put on your armor! We want to STAND at the end, not limp away!!!
If this story touches you at all please pray for his wife, children and extended family (The Sanctuary - the church he pastored) AND sharpen your Sword, put on your armor and be ready so when the devil goes after you you can fight hard and remain standing.
12.01.2009
new moon phase.
I put on my warm three-quarter length jacket tonight and took the dogs for a walk. While walking I realized that it was abnormally bright outside. I looked up to see a full moon and a sky full of stars. I continued the walk talking to God, as I typically do, and asking Him to guide me and give me peace about everything I fleshed out in the last blog.
As I was walking by a yard that had some large tree branches that were hanging out over the street, I noticed that they left a shaddow from the light of the moon on the pavement. I thought how neat that was because the moon is just reflecting the sun's light. This reminded me of a t-shirt that my youth leader, Elaine, gave me back in high school. The front of it said, "Be the moon." The back said, "reflect the Son." The shirt was talking about how we, as Christians, ought to be shining Jesus' light into the dark world.
I then thought of how the moon changes and goes through phases. It is not always this bright. Each phase gives off a different amount of light. There are phases when the moon is full and bright, like tonight, and there are phases of "new moon" (not the twilight phenomenon - which I am proud I know nothing about!). New moon is where there is no moon, no light at all.
God the asked me, "What phase do you think you are in right now?" I paused for a moment, but not long enough. I know where I am and sadly I have to confess that I am in a new moon phase. I have not been soaking up enough light from the Son to have anything to shine to this world. My light is burning, but not brightly. I might even consider that right now I am in a solar eclipse phase of complete darkness.
My next thought is probably the most convicting. As I kept walking I started to think about what makes the moon go through phases. I realized it isn't the sun, it is the Earth. Wow. Isn't it the same Earth that makes our lights go through phases also? The Earth starts to get in the way of how clearly we see Jesus' light. We receive less from Him and therefore have less to shine onto the Earth around us. I don't know about you, but I think that most of the time, sadly enough, I like having the Earth in my view. I compare myself to others around me. I do this by taking my eyes off of Jesus and His light and instead I put them on the darkness of the Earth. This is not how I want to live. When I look at it through this perspective it doesn't look so great.
As I looked back up at the full-moon, I was awestruck with just how brightly it shines. It makes all the stars pale in comparison. I want to be like that! I want to shine so bright that when people see me, even from a far away distance, they almost have to squint their eyes. I want to be a light that shines into the darkness of people's lives and shows them there is something better out there and His name is Jesus. I want to be the light of revelation. To reveal people's sin to them so they can recognize their need for Jesus. I want to reveal to them the One who heals, restores, cleanses and renews. But... how can I do that for others if I don't first let the light into my own life? There are 28 days in the moon's cycle. It takes 14 to go from new moon to full. These next 14 days I am going to ask God to shine brighter into my life than ever before and help me to learn something new about Him. I challenge you to do the same, no matter what day you read this.
So, what it would look like to be full-moon all of the time? We all go through phases of ups and downs in life, of light and dark. But, have we ever stopped to think that we are the ones changing our position? The Son is always the same. He is constantly shining with the same brightness. And He gives us the opportunity to soak it (Him) up every day. Are we taking the time to do so? Or are we slowly waning towards new moon phase, where we have nothing to show people? Let's get our wax-ing on, turn up the voltage, and shine even brighter today and this week for Christ so we can be the light that points other people to the Son!
New moon is a phenomenon, but it might be different than you think! :)
As I was walking by a yard that had some large tree branches that were hanging out over the street, I noticed that they left a shaddow from the light of the moon on the pavement. I thought how neat that was because the moon is just reflecting the sun's light. This reminded me of a t-shirt that my youth leader, Elaine, gave me back in high school. The front of it said, "Be the moon." The back said, "reflect the Son." The shirt was talking about how we, as Christians, ought to be shining Jesus' light into the dark world.
I then thought of how the moon changes and goes through phases. It is not always this bright. Each phase gives off a different amount of light. There are phases when the moon is full and bright, like tonight, and there are phases of "new moon" (not the twilight phenomenon - which I am proud I know nothing about!). New moon is where there is no moon, no light at all.
God the asked me, "What phase do you think you are in right now?" I paused for a moment, but not long enough. I know where I am and sadly I have to confess that I am in a new moon phase. I have not been soaking up enough light from the Son to have anything to shine to this world. My light is burning, but not brightly. I might even consider that right now I am in a solar eclipse phase of complete darkness.
My next thought is probably the most convicting. As I kept walking I started to think about what makes the moon go through phases. I realized it isn't the sun, it is the Earth. Wow. Isn't it the same Earth that makes our lights go through phases also? The Earth starts to get in the way of how clearly we see Jesus' light. We receive less from Him and therefore have less to shine onto the Earth around us. I don't know about you, but I think that most of the time, sadly enough, I like having the Earth in my view. I compare myself to others around me. I do this by taking my eyes off of Jesus and His light and instead I put them on the darkness of the Earth. This is not how I want to live. When I look at it through this perspective it doesn't look so great.
As I looked back up at the full-moon, I was awestruck with just how brightly it shines. It makes all the stars pale in comparison. I want to be like that! I want to shine so bright that when people see me, even from a far away distance, they almost have to squint their eyes. I want to be a light that shines into the darkness of people's lives and shows them there is something better out there and His name is Jesus. I want to be the light of revelation. To reveal people's sin to them so they can recognize their need for Jesus. I want to reveal to them the One who heals, restores, cleanses and renews. But... how can I do that for others if I don't first let the light into my own life? There are 28 days in the moon's cycle. It takes 14 to go from new moon to full. These next 14 days I am going to ask God to shine brighter into my life than ever before and help me to learn something new about Him. I challenge you to do the same, no matter what day you read this.
So, what it would look like to be full-moon all of the time? We all go through phases of ups and downs in life, of light and dark. But, have we ever stopped to think that we are the ones changing our position? The Son is always the same. He is constantly shining with the same brightness. And He gives us the opportunity to soak it (Him) up every day. Are we taking the time to do so? Or are we slowly waning towards new moon phase, where we have nothing to show people? Let's get our wax-ing on, turn up the voltage, and shine even brighter today and this week for Christ so we can be the light that points other people to the Son!
New moon is a phenomenon, but it might be different than you think! :)
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