Trees still covered with colored leaves, 60 degrees outside, and not a single flake of snow. December in Texas sure does not feel like Christmas! The closest thing I can get to feeling Christmas is a Peppermint Hot Chocolate at Starbucks, where I am currently.
The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about what Christmas means to me and reminiscing Christmases past. This year, I'm living the farthest from my immediate family that I ever have around the holidays and it's pretty sad. At least I was able to spend Thanksgiving with beloved, extended family after a spontaneous 13 hour drive to Omaha!
Something about this year just doesn't feel like Christmas, and I don't think it is just the change of location. One of my primary giving love lanugages is gifts but with having only $70 in the bank and a credit card balance more than 10 times that, I won't be showing my love by gifts to people this year. Without snow, lights or sparkling snowflake decorations, our house feels naked. Living out in the country half an hour from the closest shopping mall limits me to Walmart Christmas aisles to have any glittering feeling of the North Pole. I miss window shopping! I miss seeing children with excited faces (or ones full of tears) waiting to sit on Santa's lap!
The older I get the more the magic of Christmas seems to not exist. Did it ever exist? Was it just perceived by me to be there? Is the magic actually gone or just my ability to see it?
We have been talking a lot lately about what is more important, reality or one's perceived reality? I believe perceived reality is. The words I say do not always communicate to the hearer what I mean. What is more valid, what I said or what the person heard? What I do does not always communicate what I intend to. What speaks louder, my actions or my words? What the person hears and what my actions say are much louder than my words.
Now, I am typically a realist. I'm typically not a dreamer. Shannon once asked me if I was a gas pedal or a brake. I replied, "Neither, I'm a clutch!" If an idea has potential I will think through all the possibilities it would take to make it happen and then cautiously advise from there by asking questions of the plan until I am sufficed to let them go ahead with it in whatever gear they need to proceed in, and I am there to take them down a couple gears, if needed.
Around Christmas we need to be aware of what is real, but let's also not forget the magic! I believe that Christmas is what you want it to be. If you want to see it as a marketing scheme to make people buy stuff they don't need, then that is what it will be to you. If all you want to remember is that Jesus was born and He is the only gift we need to give others, then that is all it will be to you. But is it wrong to think it is more than both of those things? Let's not just look at Christmas through a legalistic Christian's eyes. Let's see the magic!
There is magic! I choose to see it!
The magic is seen in communities comming together to perform, "A Christmas Carol", of neighbors opening up their homes to friends for hot chocolate and cookies, to the kids who get a snow day out in their yards building snowmen (well, ok, not here in Texas, but you get the point!), and there is magic in the four year old child's eyes as they go to bed anxiously awaiting Santa's coming.
This time of year gives us a great opportunity to connect with people we might not otherwise connect with. Let's get out there and connect, not tell them why they are wrong, how they are being unbiblical (does the Bible say, "Thou shalt not tell you children there is a Santa claus?!" - No, it doesn't!). Instead let's put up those lights! Deck out that tree! Hang some mistletoe and actually use it! Celebrate life and the fact we have had another year of God's amazing grace in our lives! :)
12.09.2010
12.08.2010
The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker!
Check out the article Shannon wrote about me and our time in Mexico! :)
Click here: The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker
Click here: The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker
11.01.2010
sprinkles
Do you all know the song made popular by Chris Tomlin (written by a group called Blue Tree from Northern Ireland), "God of This City"? If not, youtube it before you read this post.
That song popped into my head today and, as typical, I start belting it out while cleaning the kitchen. As I was singing I thought to myself, you know, in light of the circumstances of this weekend I know God has greater things for me, not just for this city or that city (or whatever one you happen to be in while singing the song!). It made me think about all of the things God has done for me over the course of my life. There are so many things it is truly humbling when I think about it. It honestly would be enough if God never did anything else with or for me. He has already done so much! Salvation alone is the only gift I truly needed and He provided for that by sending Jesus Christ. Everyday mercy and grace are the icing on the cake and everything else is tiny sugar decorative pieces or sprinkles on top. God is saying, "Suze, I have greater things for you! Greater things that you could ask or imagine!" Wow!
Now, I am a pretty big dreamer. Most days I live in the clouds. I do have a strategic realist in me (by God's grace) to keep me returning to earth and looking at all the potential outcomes, but I have some pretty big dreams. I believe those dreams are there because God put them in my heart, but to know that God has even more for me than I have the mind to dream about right now is truly amazing!
Do you believe that God has greater things for you? That He wants to make your future full of God-sized things? Things that only He can do? I do. I know He does. He doesn't want you to dwell in the past. Those days are gone. Anything you see in your past that God has done for you is merely a glimmer of what He has for your future. Don't live in the past. Live in the present. Dream the future. And let God continue to change your dreams so that they align with His dreams.
So many times throughout the Bible we are told not to dwell on former things (Remember them, yes, but stay focused on them, no). God is continuing to do a new thing! (Isa. 42:9; 43:18-21) And I believe the new thing is a greater thing that you can even dream!
Addendum:
After writing that I read Experiencing God: Unit 6 Intro. It talks about praying for one thing and getting another and I find this quote extremely pertinent to this revealation!
"God, if I ever give You a request and You have more to give me than I am asking, cancel my request!" Henry Blackaby.
Let us pray that same prayer with our dreams. God, if we have dreams and You have something greater for us, cancel our dreams and give us Yours! Amen? Amen!
That song popped into my head today and, as typical, I start belting it out while cleaning the kitchen. As I was singing I thought to myself, you know, in light of the circumstances of this weekend I know God has greater things for me, not just for this city or that city (or whatever one you happen to be in while singing the song!). It made me think about all of the things God has done for me over the course of my life. There are so many things it is truly humbling when I think about it. It honestly would be enough if God never did anything else with or for me. He has already done so much! Salvation alone is the only gift I truly needed and He provided for that by sending Jesus Christ. Everyday mercy and grace are the icing on the cake and everything else is tiny sugar decorative pieces or sprinkles on top. God is saying, "Suze, I have greater things for you! Greater things that you could ask or imagine!" Wow!
Now, I am a pretty big dreamer. Most days I live in the clouds. I do have a strategic realist in me (by God's grace) to keep me returning to earth and looking at all the potential outcomes, but I have some pretty big dreams. I believe those dreams are there because God put them in my heart, but to know that God has even more for me than I have the mind to dream about right now is truly amazing!
Do you believe that God has greater things for you? That He wants to make your future full of God-sized things? Things that only He can do? I do. I know He does. He doesn't want you to dwell in the past. Those days are gone. Anything you see in your past that God has done for you is merely a glimmer of what He has for your future. Don't live in the past. Live in the present. Dream the future. And let God continue to change your dreams so that they align with His dreams.
So many times throughout the Bible we are told not to dwell on former things (Remember them, yes, but stay focused on them, no). God is continuing to do a new thing! (Isa. 42:9; 43:18-21) And I believe the new thing is a greater thing that you can even dream!
Addendum:
After writing that I read Experiencing God: Unit 6 Intro. It talks about praying for one thing and getting another and I find this quote extremely pertinent to this revealation!
"God, if I ever give You a request and You have more to give me than I am asking, cancel my request!" Henry Blackaby.
Let us pray that same prayer with our dreams. God, if we have dreams and You have something greater for us, cancel our dreams and give us Yours! Amen? Amen!
10.31.2010
the self-contradictory extrovert
Tonight I did the unthinkable. Tonight I choose to stay home... alone. I had somewhere to go (a party) and yet I choose not to. The extreme extrovert that I am contradicted my inner nature. What led to this inconsistancy in character? I am glad you asked, because I am dying to share! :)
Today started as any normal day, I woke up at 5:30am (ok, that early is not normal, but waking up is!) and was on the road by 6am headed to the Ranch for work. I was scheduled to work until 2:30 after lunch was cleaned up. I got to the Ranch and found out that the group this weekend was a small Father/Daughter retreat. Around 1:30 I was almost done cleaning up lunch and was excited to get off early because I had arranged with some of the other staff to do the high ropes course (complete with zipline through the trees!) which I have never done before! As I am sweeping the floor a man comes in and asks for my boss, Mike, to get someone to drive his friend who had surgery in the golf cart to the ropes course to watch his daughter. Mike is off on a trail ride with some of the campers and instructs me to do so.
The only typical interaction I have with the weekend guests is "one taco or two" so this called for a more in depth conversation. As I drove these two men to the high ropes course I asked them some questions. I found out that they were from a private Christian school north of Dallas. They found out I was from Boston and as I've come to expect, "What (in blazes) brought you to East Texas?!" I told them about Shannon Ethridge and the internship program designed to help me become a more godly woman and help me gain insight into the writing/speaking arena. With that the one father asked me, "Do you know Sheila Walsh?" I thought, "yes, I love her!!!," but I responded with, "yes, I have been to two Woman of Faith conferences". He simply said, "That's neat. Her son goes to this school and is in the class with my older child. She is a great speaker, isn't she?" I said, "yes." We got sidetracked as the other father and I began talking of Boston but I couldn't get Sheila out of my mind. Should I say something to him? Should I write her a letter and give it to him to give to her? Should I drop it altogether?
You see, when I back my story up, back before moving to Texas, even back before going to Moody, back to the Fall of 2003, there was Sheila. Sheila is the reason I am even contemplating writing or speaking. In the Fall of 2003 my Mom and her friends were going to a Woman of Faith conference and someone couldn't go last minute so they had an extra ticket. They asked if I wanted to go. Initially, I didn't, but no one else claimed the ticket and I found out a few of my younger friends from camp were going so I said, "why not?" I had no idea how that one event would change the direction of my life.
That event opened my eyes to a whole new realm of what women can do. But even more than that, it opened my eyes to what God can do! I saw 16,000+ women worshipping Jesus together and hearing encouraging stories of what God has done in the lives of the speakers. We laughed, cried, and were amazed almost on a permanent rotation every 5 minutes. At that event I heard God say, "Suze, I want you to do women's ministry." (Now, at this point I already knew I wanted to do ministry but at that time was thinking worship, youth or camp ministry.) Now, if you knew me at 19 you probably would have laughed at that thought just as much as I did. At that point I was still a tomboy, barely wore any makeup, loved sports and hated pink, lace, floral print and doilys. I had seen what the women do for women's events in church and it did not look like fun to me. I was the last person who wanted to do "women's ministry". But when the women, particularly Sheila, spoke my heart burned. Sheila also sings which was neat since I long to do both as well.
Well, that WoF conference is what led me to find a college with a women's ministry degree program, which is how I found Moody, and the continuation of that call led me to Texas. So after about 15 minutes talking to random fathers around the high ropes course, it clicked. Sheila is pretty much the reason I am in Texas at this moment. (Beyond God, of course!) Woah. And now I was a one person connection away from meeting her... I think I would be a fool to pass this up.
"Hey, you said you know Sheila pretty well, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Her and her husband come over our house often. They're really nice."
"If I wrote her a letter, would you give it to her for me?"
"You betcha! I am sure she would love to hear about what you're pursuing and get together with you..." He proceeded to give me his email and phone number and told me about an event at the school coming up she is speaking at.
Stunned. [God, why do you love me?]
You see, from the blog I posted yesterday, I shouldn't have been stunned. Yesterday, I spent time with God. I walked with God just to be with Him. I spent over an hour on the South Tyler Trails just walking arm in arm with my Love. And like I said in that post, it was not for the sake of getting anything from Him which is why we typically spend time with Him. I simply knew He longed to be with me and so I went to be with Him.
God didn't have to bless me today with this gift. Even if I don't meet Sheila, I know it was God saying to me, "Suze, thank you for walking with me yesterday to show me you love me. Here is something to show you how much I love you back. I want you to meet my other daughter. She is someone you never would have dreamed of meeting who has been so foundational for your calling and who will inspire you to keep stepping. I love you."
With that, BE ENCOURAGED. It brings tears to my eyes how God orchestrates things and we don't trust Him or believe that He is. Earlier this week I was discouraged and wondering if I am even walking the right path, if I even should have moved here, and I asked for a sign... I think I got one!
God is doing similar things in your life. And He will light up how the things connect at just the right time! Wait for Him. But be actively waiting. Actively "be"ing with Him! Be with Him in the wait! If you're not with Him, how is He going to tell you when it it time to take the next step?!
(This blog is already too long, but I also found out today that the Ranch camp which was started in 97 had one cook until a couple months ago when they hired someone to help her out since she was getting old. They worked together a month before the original cook decided she needed to quit altogether. That is where I came in. And as some of you know, when I first move to Texas and sent this camp my resume they replied with "sorry, we don't have any positions open right now." The very next day is when the head cook resigned and they called me. God put me there for a reason. And God put this group there for a reason. There is a really neat story about why this group has their retreats at this little ranch camp and not one of the two mega camps in the area that also blows my mind to show God's sovereignty. Because that decision was made two years ago! He put this into effect two years ago, maybe longer!)
God is truly sovereign. Believe that. He can bring anyone into your life He desires to and can (and does, and IS!) working all the smallest details of your life to bring Him glory!!! Amen?! Amen.
Haha. I never got to why I stayed home tonight. Well, after the guy gave me his info, I flew through the high ropes course (which was a lot easier knowing God had a plan beyond that moment, I believed I wasn't going to die no matter that I was 60 feet in the air and held only by a small cable, and so I flew around that thing!) and then it was too late for horseback riding so I drove home. On the way home I thought to myself, I just want to go be with Jesus! More "be"ing! I longed for Him more than people. That truly is a HUGE step if you know me at all! So that is what I did! I stayed home with Him tonight. We went stargazing on my car and then I just sang my love out for Him! I was belting out worship songs at the top of my lungs (one of the good things of being in the middle of the country and having no neighbors!). And I am so excited to go to church tomorrow to celebrate what God did for me this week and share the good news with my new friends!
Today started as any normal day, I woke up at 5:30am (ok, that early is not normal, but waking up is!) and was on the road by 6am headed to the Ranch for work. I was scheduled to work until 2:30 after lunch was cleaned up. I got to the Ranch and found out that the group this weekend was a small Father/Daughter retreat. Around 1:30 I was almost done cleaning up lunch and was excited to get off early because I had arranged with some of the other staff to do the high ropes course (complete with zipline through the trees!) which I have never done before! As I am sweeping the floor a man comes in and asks for my boss, Mike, to get someone to drive his friend who had surgery in the golf cart to the ropes course to watch his daughter. Mike is off on a trail ride with some of the campers and instructs me to do so.
The only typical interaction I have with the weekend guests is "one taco or two" so this called for a more in depth conversation. As I drove these two men to the high ropes course I asked them some questions. I found out that they were from a private Christian school north of Dallas. They found out I was from Boston and as I've come to expect, "What (in blazes) brought you to East Texas?!" I told them about Shannon Ethridge and the internship program designed to help me become a more godly woman and help me gain insight into the writing/speaking arena. With that the one father asked me, "Do you know Sheila Walsh?" I thought, "yes, I love her!!!," but I responded with, "yes, I have been to two Woman of Faith conferences". He simply said, "That's neat. Her son goes to this school and is in the class with my older child. She is a great speaker, isn't she?" I said, "yes." We got sidetracked as the other father and I began talking of Boston but I couldn't get Sheila out of my mind. Should I say something to him? Should I write her a letter and give it to him to give to her? Should I drop it altogether?
You see, when I back my story up, back before moving to Texas, even back before going to Moody, back to the Fall of 2003, there was Sheila. Sheila is the reason I am even contemplating writing or speaking. In the Fall of 2003 my Mom and her friends were going to a Woman of Faith conference and someone couldn't go last minute so they had an extra ticket. They asked if I wanted to go. Initially, I didn't, but no one else claimed the ticket and I found out a few of my younger friends from camp were going so I said, "why not?" I had no idea how that one event would change the direction of my life.
That event opened my eyes to a whole new realm of what women can do. But even more than that, it opened my eyes to what God can do! I saw 16,000+ women worshipping Jesus together and hearing encouraging stories of what God has done in the lives of the speakers. We laughed, cried, and were amazed almost on a permanent rotation every 5 minutes. At that event I heard God say, "Suze, I want you to do women's ministry." (Now, at this point I already knew I wanted to do ministry but at that time was thinking worship, youth or camp ministry.) Now, if you knew me at 19 you probably would have laughed at that thought just as much as I did. At that point I was still a tomboy, barely wore any makeup, loved sports and hated pink, lace, floral print and doilys. I had seen what the women do for women's events in church and it did not look like fun to me. I was the last person who wanted to do "women's ministry". But when the women, particularly Sheila, spoke my heart burned. Sheila also sings which was neat since I long to do both as well.
Well, that WoF conference is what led me to find a college with a women's ministry degree program, which is how I found Moody, and the continuation of that call led me to Texas. So after about 15 minutes talking to random fathers around the high ropes course, it clicked. Sheila is pretty much the reason I am in Texas at this moment. (Beyond God, of course!) Woah. And now I was a one person connection away from meeting her... I think I would be a fool to pass this up.
"Hey, you said you know Sheila pretty well, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Her and her husband come over our house often. They're really nice."
"If I wrote her a letter, would you give it to her for me?"
"You betcha! I am sure she would love to hear about what you're pursuing and get together with you..." He proceeded to give me his email and phone number and told me about an event at the school coming up she is speaking at.
Stunned. [God, why do you love me?]
You see, from the blog I posted yesterday, I shouldn't have been stunned. Yesterday, I spent time with God. I walked with God just to be with Him. I spent over an hour on the South Tyler Trails just walking arm in arm with my Love. And like I said in that post, it was not for the sake of getting anything from Him which is why we typically spend time with Him. I simply knew He longed to be with me and so I went to be with Him.
God didn't have to bless me today with this gift. Even if I don't meet Sheila, I know it was God saying to me, "Suze, thank you for walking with me yesterday to show me you love me. Here is something to show you how much I love you back. I want you to meet my other daughter. She is someone you never would have dreamed of meeting who has been so foundational for your calling and who will inspire you to keep stepping. I love you."
With that, BE ENCOURAGED. It brings tears to my eyes how God orchestrates things and we don't trust Him or believe that He is. Earlier this week I was discouraged and wondering if I am even walking the right path, if I even should have moved here, and I asked for a sign... I think I got one!
God is doing similar things in your life. And He will light up how the things connect at just the right time! Wait for Him. But be actively waiting. Actively "be"ing with Him! Be with Him in the wait! If you're not with Him, how is He going to tell you when it it time to take the next step?!
(This blog is already too long, but I also found out today that the Ranch camp which was started in 97 had one cook until a couple months ago when they hired someone to help her out since she was getting old. They worked together a month before the original cook decided she needed to quit altogether. That is where I came in. And as some of you know, when I first move to Texas and sent this camp my resume they replied with "sorry, we don't have any positions open right now." The very next day is when the head cook resigned and they called me. God put me there for a reason. And God put this group there for a reason. There is a really neat story about why this group has their retreats at this little ranch camp and not one of the two mega camps in the area that also blows my mind to show God's sovereignty. Because that decision was made two years ago! He put this into effect two years ago, maybe longer!)
God is truly sovereign. Believe that. He can bring anyone into your life He desires to and can (and does, and IS!) working all the smallest details of your life to bring Him glory!!! Amen?! Amen.
Haha. I never got to why I stayed home tonight. Well, after the guy gave me his info, I flew through the high ropes course (which was a lot easier knowing God had a plan beyond that moment, I believed I wasn't going to die no matter that I was 60 feet in the air and held only by a small cable, and so I flew around that thing!) and then it was too late for horseback riding so I drove home. On the way home I thought to myself, I just want to go be with Jesus! More "be"ing! I longed for Him more than people. That truly is a HUGE step if you know me at all! So that is what I did! I stayed home with Him tonight. We went stargazing on my car and then I just sang my love out for Him! I was belting out worship songs at the top of my lungs (one of the good things of being in the middle of the country and having no neighbors!). And I am so excited to go to church tomorrow to celebrate what God did for me this week and share the good news with my new friends!
10.29.2010
walking off stage...
My name is Suze and I am a perfectionist. I am not who I think I am. Who I think I am is better than who I am. Who I think I am is perfect. That woman does not struggle. That woman does not fall. She does not do anything wrong. She is in fact perfect. And everybody knows it.
Everyone knows "Suze" is the one who loves Jesus. "She" loves to worship. "She" loves to serve God. "She" was the head elder's daughter growing up. "She" was the one other mothers would tell their daughters, "You should be like 'her' when you grow up," or, "Why can't you be more like 'her'?" Now whether those were things actually said or just perceived by me, I can't say. But that is how I felt. I felt I lived in a house of windows. People could look in and see everything, so I kept it perfect.
perfect. all. the. time.
I was the house (or body) everyone could see into. Or at least they thought that.
But I, I had a trick. I was a house of windows, but only from the outside. You see each window looked in to a mirror. I wasn't infact a perfectly staged house inside, but I was a house of mirrors. Not fun house mirrors that distort, though mine distorted alright, but periscope mirrors. The kind that reflect off a couple mirrors to show a different part than where you thought you were looking. I let people see what they wanted to see, the room was beautifully set up and freshly cleaned. But it wasn't what they thought they were seeing. No one saw the middle. The mirrors reflected all around that part. My heart was closed off. Boarded up, and tightly.
What people didn't know was that they were seeing a girl who knew she wasn't perfect but she had learned early on the role she was to play and thus she was playing that part. She had discovered the role of an actress, and excell at it she did.
From the first time I was legitimately sick and realized I could miss a day of school (or chores), I was acting sick. From the first time I got injured and received sympathy, I was acting hurt. From the first time I got recognition for my vocal talent I was singing my heart out on stage. I embraced the butterflies and let acting become the role I assumed. What people wanted, I would become. What they liked, I would stay. What they hated, I would stop. (I liked a boy at camp and he made fun of my Boston accent, so I stopped dropping my r's. To this day I say that is why I don't have a Boston accent!)
My name is Suze and I am a perfect actress.
But if you catch me playing this role, ask me to take off my mask. Help me wash off my makeup and put back on my street clothes. Ask me to remove the mirrors and show you my heart. You might not like what you find, and honestly, I don't know what you might find. I have been playing the role so long that I have started to believe it. Worse than that, I convinced myself that God sees "Suze", not Suze.
I believe that is why He asked me to move to Texas.
He wrote me out of the script (for the time being). He wants me to do some soul searching, to find who I truly am and to find who He truly is. He has asked me not to act anymore. He longs for my heart, and He longs to give me His. He wants the innermost part of my being to belong to Him, and Him alone.
That is the trouble with Christianity. So often it becomes a world of rules to obey. We are not able to be perfect and obey all the time, so we start acting. And not just for eachother. We start acting for God. We do things for Him out of obligation or to play the role instead of out of love for Him. We become legalistic about reading our Bible every day, going to church, going to lifegroup or youth group, being at the church every time the doors are open, serving on every committee, and neglecting whatever we have to to do it. When we get to these church events we step on the stage with full costume on and play the role to the best of our ability. We bow at the end and the crowd goes wild. (If it doesn't we tailor our act for our next performance hoping to wow them then.) And the cycle goes on day after day, week after week. And sadly, we think God is pleased with our performance. After all, the people around us, God's people, are. But the whole time the show is going on, God is standing out back, by the stage door, longing for us to go for a walk with Him. We have missed the relationship. He came not so we can do more things or have more rules to obey. He came to set us free! Free from rules and free to obey. Our love for Him enables us to do these things. When am I, when are you, going to start to realize that?
So that is what I am going to do right now. I am going for a walk with Him. I challenge you to do the same. Walk off the stage. Put down the props. Wash off the make up. Just walk. And open your heart to Him.
*Note: Reading your Bible and going to church activities are not wrong, but if they are in place of a love relationship or in trying to gain some merit from God, they are worthless. And skipping these activities for any reason other than to spend time with God is missing the point also. The point is to be with Him and to cultivate a deep, love relationship with Him that those acts are done out of love and not trying to get love or anything else from God.
Everyone knows "Suze" is the one who loves Jesus. "She" loves to worship. "She" loves to serve God. "She" was the head elder's daughter growing up. "She" was the one other mothers would tell their daughters, "You should be like 'her' when you grow up," or, "Why can't you be more like 'her'?" Now whether those were things actually said or just perceived by me, I can't say. But that is how I felt. I felt I lived in a house of windows. People could look in and see everything, so I kept it perfect.
perfect. all. the. time.
I was the house (or body) everyone could see into. Or at least they thought that.
But I, I had a trick. I was a house of windows, but only from the outside. You see each window looked in to a mirror. I wasn't infact a perfectly staged house inside, but I was a house of mirrors. Not fun house mirrors that distort, though mine distorted alright, but periscope mirrors. The kind that reflect off a couple mirrors to show a different part than where you thought you were looking. I let people see what they wanted to see, the room was beautifully set up and freshly cleaned. But it wasn't what they thought they were seeing. No one saw the middle. The mirrors reflected all around that part. My heart was closed off. Boarded up, and tightly.
What people didn't know was that they were seeing a girl who knew she wasn't perfect but she had learned early on the role she was to play and thus she was playing that part. She had discovered the role of an actress, and excell at it she did.
From the first time I was legitimately sick and realized I could miss a day of school (or chores), I was acting sick. From the first time I got injured and received sympathy, I was acting hurt. From the first time I got recognition for my vocal talent I was singing my heart out on stage. I embraced the butterflies and let acting become the role I assumed. What people wanted, I would become. What they liked, I would stay. What they hated, I would stop. (I liked a boy at camp and he made fun of my Boston accent, so I stopped dropping my r's. To this day I say that is why I don't have a Boston accent!)
My name is Suze and I am a perfect actress.
But if you catch me playing this role, ask me to take off my mask. Help me wash off my makeup and put back on my street clothes. Ask me to remove the mirrors and show you my heart. You might not like what you find, and honestly, I don't know what you might find. I have been playing the role so long that I have started to believe it. Worse than that, I convinced myself that God sees "Suze", not Suze.
I believe that is why He asked me to move to Texas.
He wrote me out of the script (for the time being). He wants me to do some soul searching, to find who I truly am and to find who He truly is. He has asked me not to act anymore. He longs for my heart, and He longs to give me His. He wants the innermost part of my being to belong to Him, and Him alone.
That is the trouble with Christianity. So often it becomes a world of rules to obey. We are not able to be perfect and obey all the time, so we start acting. And not just for eachother. We start acting for God. We do things for Him out of obligation or to play the role instead of out of love for Him. We become legalistic about reading our Bible every day, going to church, going to lifegroup or youth group, being at the church every time the doors are open, serving on every committee, and neglecting whatever we have to to do it. When we get to these church events we step on the stage with full costume on and play the role to the best of our ability. We bow at the end and the crowd goes wild. (If it doesn't we tailor our act for our next performance hoping to wow them then.) And the cycle goes on day after day, week after week. And sadly, we think God is pleased with our performance. After all, the people around us, God's people, are. But the whole time the show is going on, God is standing out back, by the stage door, longing for us to go for a walk with Him. We have missed the relationship. He came not so we can do more things or have more rules to obey. He came to set us free! Free from rules and free to obey. Our love for Him enables us to do these things. When am I, when are you, going to start to realize that?
So that is what I am going to do right now. I am going for a walk with Him. I challenge you to do the same. Walk off the stage. Put down the props. Wash off the make up. Just walk. And open your heart to Him.
*Note: Reading your Bible and going to church activities are not wrong, but if they are in place of a love relationship or in trying to gain some merit from God, they are worthless. And skipping these activities for any reason other than to spend time with God is missing the point also. The point is to be with Him and to cultivate a deep, love relationship with Him that those acts are done out of love and not trying to get love or anything else from God.
10.14.2010
I'd rather have Jesus...
A hymn by Rhea F. Miller
"I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hands.
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause,
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I'd rather be true to His holy name.
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom,
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs,
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.
Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway;
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today."
"I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hands.
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause,
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I'd rather be true to His holy name.
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom,
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs,
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.
Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway;
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today."
10.10.2010
idiocy.
id-i-o-cy: utterly senseless or foolish behavior; a stupid or foolish act, etc.
This is a song I wrote yesterday. I spent a solid amount of time with Jesus repenting and confessing the numerous sexual sins I have committed over my lifetime. This is what came out at the end. My home church, GENESIS, did a series on Proverbs this summer and I have been studying it since. It is sobering to me how alike the "fool" I have been. But no longer! I seek wisdom. I want to act out the knowledge I have, not simply speak it. I want to obey the Word for I love the Word and I seek to make the Word known.
FYI: This is a probably the most honest song I have ever written about my life and struggles. I wish I could record it and sing it for you, it's pretty haunting, but maybe I can figure that technology out another time and put it on here later! :)
"She calls out to me
From down the street,
'Stolen water is sweet.'
'Come take your fill
of love until
the morning light greets.'
And like an ox
to slaughter
I walk toward her door.
What I don't know
Is what I sow
will cost my life or more.
Ooooo.... (verse in a haunting tone)
My heart aches
for what she takes
is all my body and soul
Lord, forgive me
I need to be
Restored and made whole
So I call out to You
for Wisdom and Truth.
show me how to fear You!
to love and hate what You do!
So I call out to You
for Wisdom and Truth
show me how to fear You!
to love and hate what You do!
Ooooooo....
Beloved,
Let me live
To grow in knowledge of You."
This is a song I wrote yesterday. I spent a solid amount of time with Jesus repenting and confessing the numerous sexual sins I have committed over my lifetime. This is what came out at the end. My home church, GENESIS, did a series on Proverbs this summer and I have been studying it since. It is sobering to me how alike the "fool" I have been. But no longer! I seek wisdom. I want to act out the knowledge I have, not simply speak it. I want to obey the Word for I love the Word and I seek to make the Word known.
FYI: This is a probably the most honest song I have ever written about my life and struggles. I wish I could record it and sing it for you, it's pretty haunting, but maybe I can figure that technology out another time and put it on here later! :)
"She calls out to me
From down the street,
'Stolen water is sweet.'
'Come take your fill
of love until
the morning light greets.'
And like an ox
to slaughter
I walk toward her door.
What I don't know
Is what I sow
will cost my life or more.
Ooooo.... (verse in a haunting tone)
My heart aches
for what she takes
is all my body and soul
Lord, forgive me
I need to be
Restored and made whole
So I call out to You
for Wisdom and Truth.
show me how to fear You!
to love and hate what You do!
So I call out to You
for Wisdom and Truth
show me how to fear You!
to love and hate what You do!
Ooooooo....
Beloved,
Let me live
To grow in knowledge of You."
9.26.2010
The Land
"Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you." Genesis 12:1
Texas? God, really? From the time in May I was studying the life of Abraham until this past Friday when I drove into the grass driveway of my new home in Lindale, those two questions (along with a few others) have been on repeat in my mind.
The process of moving has not been easy. Saying goodbye to a large community of people whom I have grown to love without knowing if I will ever see some of them again on this earth is hard. Leaving a fluffy, cuddly bundle of joy who depends on you and is there for you no matter what is harder since she can't call when she is sad and won't understand why I left her. Not knowing the future of relationships that mean so much but could just cease to be is also very hard. But as I reflect on all these things I think there is one thing harder still. The hardest thing in all of life is to be a Christian who wants to grow spiritually but is living a mediocre life disobeying God and living in opposition to Him. And that is why I am in Texas. I don't want to be mediocre in my faith or obedience to God. God called. I answered... but not immediately.
Every time in Genesis God asks Abraham to do something it records that he does it immediately. I procrastinated answering for three months. During those three months I was in extreme torment and put unnecessary strain on my relationship with God. Yesterday I was reading Lamentations and came across verse 3:44 that says, "you (God) have wrapped yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can pass through." Wow! The disobedience of the Israelites made God not want to hear them anymore.
I hear all the time people asking God to bless them or show them the answer to a seemingly difficult decision they need to make. Many times they are just looking for confirmation of the answer they want instead of listening to what He has already revealed to them individually or in His Word (and acting on it!). God instructed us in the Bible how we should live. How many times do we question what He said and choose to live in disobedience?! Instead of trusting Him, we choose not to listen to Him (and sadly, sometimes we stop reading the Word altogether so we won't get convicted). We then look to the culture around us and live as we please all while expecting God to answer us or, worse, to bless us while we are not obeying Him?! Do we really think He wants to bless us in our sin?! How messed up is that? He is God! We are not. When will we live like that? He created everything (including us) and knows how we ought to live to achieve the best life possible with the least amount of pain and sadness. We in turn live as we want a mediocre life full of grief and despair. If he knew enough to put the earth on the right axis and keep it spinning around the sun at the right distance so we can survive how much more does He care for His sons and daughters? And why would we even think about trying to tell Him that we know better how we should live?! I don't know about you, but I need to repent of my delayed obedience and start taking what He says seriously. I want to be able to get to the end of my life and hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Faithfulness to Him starts today!
As I sit here alone in my new room and tears well up in my eyes for all I left behind, all I can do is know that I am where God wants me to be. I trust that He would not have done this if it was not for His glory and my good. He has done many things throughout my life to show me His extravagant love and protection for me. I choose to move forward in obedience with my hand in His forsaking all others.
Misty Edward's sings a song song called, "I Will Waste My Life." It is the song of this journey for me. If you have not heard it I would challenge you to open it on youtube right now and listen. The chorus says,
"I'll say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I leave all I have known and I'll have no other,
I am in love with You, there is no cost,
I am in love with You, there is no loss,
I am in love with You, I wanna take Your name,
I am in love with You, I wanna cling to You, Jesus."
That is my prayer and what I ask you to pray for me. Pray that I would cling to Jesus tighter than ever before and that He would reveal more of Himself to me through this crazy, Texan experience for whatever length of time He desires me to be here and for wherever else He might call me in the future. This is only the start of my opportunities to be faithful to Him. I pray that next time I won't delay.
Texas? God, really? From the time in May I was studying the life of Abraham until this past Friday when I drove into the grass driveway of my new home in Lindale, those two questions (along with a few others) have been on repeat in my mind.
The process of moving has not been easy. Saying goodbye to a large community of people whom I have grown to love without knowing if I will ever see some of them again on this earth is hard. Leaving a fluffy, cuddly bundle of joy who depends on you and is there for you no matter what is harder since she can't call when she is sad and won't understand why I left her. Not knowing the future of relationships that mean so much but could just cease to be is also very hard. But as I reflect on all these things I think there is one thing harder still. The hardest thing in all of life is to be a Christian who wants to grow spiritually but is living a mediocre life disobeying God and living in opposition to Him. And that is why I am in Texas. I don't want to be mediocre in my faith or obedience to God. God called. I answered... but not immediately.
Every time in Genesis God asks Abraham to do something it records that he does it immediately. I procrastinated answering for three months. During those three months I was in extreme torment and put unnecessary strain on my relationship with God. Yesterday I was reading Lamentations and came across verse 3:44 that says, "you (God) have wrapped yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can pass through." Wow! The disobedience of the Israelites made God not want to hear them anymore.
I hear all the time people asking God to bless them or show them the answer to a seemingly difficult decision they need to make. Many times they are just looking for confirmation of the answer they want instead of listening to what He has already revealed to them individually or in His Word (and acting on it!). God instructed us in the Bible how we should live. How many times do we question what He said and choose to live in disobedience?! Instead of trusting Him, we choose not to listen to Him (and sadly, sometimes we stop reading the Word altogether so we won't get convicted). We then look to the culture around us and live as we please all while expecting God to answer us or, worse, to bless us while we are not obeying Him?! Do we really think He wants to bless us in our sin?! How messed up is that? He is God! We are not. When will we live like that? He created everything (including us) and knows how we ought to live to achieve the best life possible with the least amount of pain and sadness. We in turn live as we want a mediocre life full of grief and despair. If he knew enough to put the earth on the right axis and keep it spinning around the sun at the right distance so we can survive how much more does He care for His sons and daughters? And why would we even think about trying to tell Him that we know better how we should live?! I don't know about you, but I need to repent of my delayed obedience and start taking what He says seriously. I want to be able to get to the end of my life and hear God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Faithfulness to Him starts today!
As I sit here alone in my new room and tears well up in my eyes for all I left behind, all I can do is know that I am where God wants me to be. I trust that He would not have done this if it was not for His glory and my good. He has done many things throughout my life to show me His extravagant love and protection for me. I choose to move forward in obedience with my hand in His forsaking all others.
Misty Edward's sings a song song called, "I Will Waste My Life." It is the song of this journey for me. If you have not heard it I would challenge you to open it on youtube right now and listen. The chorus says,
"I'll say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I leave all I have known and I'll have no other,
I am in love with You, there is no cost,
I am in love with You, there is no loss,
I am in love with You, I wanna take Your name,
I am in love with You, I wanna cling to You, Jesus."
That is my prayer and what I ask you to pray for me. Pray that I would cling to Jesus tighter than ever before and that He would reveal more of Himself to me through this crazy, Texan experience for whatever length of time He desires me to be here and for wherever else He might call me in the future. This is only the start of my opportunities to be faithful to Him. I pray that next time I won't delay.
4.17.2010
just to know You.
A song written from Eph. 3:16-19 after the Hillsong United concert!
There is a choice I will never understand
Why You came to be a man
Took the nails in Your hands
I will never understand
Never understand
There is a love I will never comprehend
The love that flows without end
Our broken friendship to mend
I will never comprehend
Never comprehend
Your love for me is a deep as the sea
As wide as the sky and as long as it is high
And Your grace flows down as Your blood to the ground
Love and justice meet at pierced hands and feet
All so we can know You, We can know You, God!
There is a joy that I get to live each day
As I talk to you and pray
As I go about my way
Each and every day
Each and every day
There is a peace I have in my soul
Now that heaven is my home
And my life has a goal
There is peace in my soul
Peace in my soul
There is a power I have to conquer sin
No death didn't win!
Jesus is alive again!
I can conquer sin
Conquer sin
Your love for me is as deep as the sea
As wide as the sky and as long as it is high
And your grace flows down as your blood to the ground
Love and justice meet at pierced hands and feet
All so we can know You!
We can know You, God!
There is a choice I will never understand
Why You came to be a man
Took the nails in Your hands
I will never understand
Never understand
There is a love I will never comprehend
The love that flows without end
Our broken friendship to mend
I will never comprehend
Never comprehend
Your love for me is a deep as the sea
As wide as the sky and as long as it is high
And Your grace flows down as Your blood to the ground
Love and justice meet at pierced hands and feet
All so we can know You, We can know You, God!
There is a joy that I get to live each day
As I talk to you and pray
As I go about my way
Each and every day
Each and every day
There is a peace I have in my soul
Now that heaven is my home
And my life has a goal
There is peace in my soul
Peace in my soul
There is a power I have to conquer sin
No death didn't win!
Jesus is alive again!
I can conquer sin
Conquer sin
Your love for me is as deep as the sea
As wide as the sky and as long as it is high
And your grace flows down as your blood to the ground
Love and justice meet at pierced hands and feet
All so we can know You!
We can know You, God!
3.30.2010
the wait
I don't know what you look like
I don't know the sound of your voice
Don't know the shape of your face
The feel of your embrace
The way you say my name
I don't know how long it will take
The number of minutes or days
It could be many years
Until you are here
But I will wait
Cause I know you're under the same sky
I know you're in the palm of His hand
I know you were made for me
And that we'll bring Him glory
Just being together as He planned
So I will wait, no more making mistakes
No matter how long it takes, I will wait
I can't wait to see you smile
I can't wait to hold your hand
To hear you say, "good morning"
To hear you say, "good night"
Or, "I love you with all that I am"
I can hardly wait... but I will...
Cause I know we're under the same sky
I know we're in the palm of His hand
That you were made for me
Together we'll bring Him glory
Just being together as He planned
So I will wait, no more making mistakes,
No matter how long it takes, I will wait...
No matter how long it takes, I will wait...
I don't know the sound of your voice
Don't know the shape of your face
The feel of your embrace
The way you say my name
I don't know how long it will take
The number of minutes or days
It could be many years
Until you are here
But I will wait
Cause I know you're under the same sky
I know you're in the palm of His hand
I know you were made for me
And that we'll bring Him glory
Just being together as He planned
So I will wait, no more making mistakes
No matter how long it takes, I will wait
I can't wait to see you smile
I can't wait to hold your hand
To hear you say, "good morning"
To hear you say, "good night"
Or, "I love you with all that I am"
I can hardly wait... but I will...
Cause I know we're under the same sky
I know we're in the palm of His hand
That you were made for me
Together we'll bring Him glory
Just being together as He planned
So I will wait, no more making mistakes,
No matter how long it takes, I will wait...
No matter how long it takes, I will wait...
1.28.2010
closed. open.
I am not sure exactly how I am going to word what God has done in my heart over the past couple of weeks. I have meant to find time to blog the things He has been showing me but somehow the time has escaped me. But today I found myself in a new place. The place I wasn't a couple of weeks ago before I left for my retreat. I didn't even know I wasn't there anymore until tonight when the door I had been standing by waiting to open disappeared. And you know what? I feel free. I think so much time I have spent dwelling on the past and wishing I could change things. But God! God has changed my heart and sent me off in a new direction.
A couple of weeks ago I realized I was holding onto an ideal. If you don't know much about ideals, they are called ideals because they are not reality. I recognized that my reality is way different than my ideal. I became aware that my ideal was no longer ideal but was infact a mirage of what I wanted to be a reality. So, I decided to open myself up to other ideals. I began looking for ways to expand my thinking and pursue things that I never thought I would. It has brought me to a place where I am open and I like it... a lot.
The situation was this. God closed a door. But I wanted to believe it was only closed for a little time. So I stood there waiting for it to open again instead of trusting Him that there were other doors that were just beyond my line of sight AND believing He closed that particular door for a reason. When I realized that was what I was doing I said to myself, "If I don't know if the door will ever open again or not, why am I standing here waiting? Why am I not moving ahead? Why am I not actively pursuing other doors?" So I decided I would do just that. A step away from the door. I joined a soccer team of people I don't know. A step away. I joined an online community of people I never thought I would. A couple steps away. I spent time thinking about reality and what God really wants from my life. A leap away. And before I knew it the door looked so small. I shrank the desire to go wait for the small door by actively looking toward other doors in the distance. It seems like a simple concept that we all should easily get, however it is not something that will happen on it's own. It starts with a single step. One action that we must take on our own.
If it were not for my making these small steps away I would have been broken again tonight. I found something out that blew apart that door I had so long waited next to. If I had been standing right next to it when God destroyed it I would be hurting a lot right now. But instead, I am fine. I feel great. Except for some righteous anger over some lies and manipulation, I could care less that the door does not exist. And why? Because I heard God's voice taking me higher and I followed Him to other places to seek other doors.
I can not say any doors have (fully) opened up yet, but I know they exist and I trust God to bring me to the right door at the right time and He will be the one to open it, not me.
A couple of weeks ago I realized I was holding onto an ideal. If you don't know much about ideals, they are called ideals because they are not reality. I recognized that my reality is way different than my ideal. I became aware that my ideal was no longer ideal but was infact a mirage of what I wanted to be a reality. So, I decided to open myself up to other ideals. I began looking for ways to expand my thinking and pursue things that I never thought I would. It has brought me to a place where I am open and I like it... a lot.
The situation was this. God closed a door. But I wanted to believe it was only closed for a little time. So I stood there waiting for it to open again instead of trusting Him that there were other doors that were just beyond my line of sight AND believing He closed that particular door for a reason. When I realized that was what I was doing I said to myself, "If I don't know if the door will ever open again or not, why am I standing here waiting? Why am I not moving ahead? Why am I not actively pursuing other doors?" So I decided I would do just that. A step away from the door. I joined a soccer team of people I don't know. A step away. I joined an online community of people I never thought I would. A couple steps away. I spent time thinking about reality and what God really wants from my life. A leap away. And before I knew it the door looked so small. I shrank the desire to go wait for the small door by actively looking toward other doors in the distance. It seems like a simple concept that we all should easily get, however it is not something that will happen on it's own. It starts with a single step. One action that we must take on our own.
If it were not for my making these small steps away I would have been broken again tonight. I found something out that blew apart that door I had so long waited next to. If I had been standing right next to it when God destroyed it I would be hurting a lot right now. But instead, I am fine. I feel great. Except for some righteous anger over some lies and manipulation, I could care less that the door does not exist. And why? Because I heard God's voice taking me higher and I followed Him to other places to seek other doors.
I can not say any doors have (fully) opened up yet, but I know they exist and I trust God to bring me to the right door at the right time and He will be the one to open it, not me.
1.09.2010
prayer and perspective.
"God's 'no' is not keeping you from something good, but protecting you from something harmful." Lloyd Shadrack
This guy's name is great. His quote is even greater. For it is only at the point where we fully believe, understand, and live that quote that we can see life through God's eyes which therefore gives us a correct view of our situation. I wish I could say that is the perspective I have on my life right now. But I can not. Do I believe that quote? Yes. Do I understand that quote? Partially. Do I live that quote? No.
The next four days I am going to take a step back from life and try to grasp a new perspective of God and what He is doing in my life. I am headed to a friend's house in the mountains of NH where it is my aim to spend a lot of time reading the Bible, in prayer and in silence. I am excited about this time and strangely fearful at the same time. I am afraid of spending time with God again. In fact, I hate to admit it, but I have enabled myself to get so busy the past three weeks with traveling for the holidays and a friend visiting from out of town that I have not sat down to think of any New Year's resolutions or spent any time in whole-hearted prayer or reading the Word. I think I was under 13 the last time I didn't start a year on track doing my devotions every day and I am embarrassed to have to admit I have not done any for the first 10 days of this year. I want to confess that sin to you and ask you to challenge me to make sure I don't ever get "too busy" again. I wish I could say I will make up for it in the next 4 days, since I will be spending a lot of time in the Word, but I can not since both should be a reality in my life. It is my hope that my view of God is challenged and correctly aligned where it should be, my view of myself and my sinfulness is seen in its disgusting reality, and the greatness of the Gospel that bridges the two in perfect, beautiful harmony is expanded.
I ask you all to pray for me these next four days. I won't be completely alone the whole time (as I had hoped) but I will have chunks of time alone and I will have unexpected quality time connecting with Christian friends who I don't get to see often who can pray with me, encourage me and speak into my life. (And hopefully God will allow me to do the same back to them.)
Please, pray for me as I seek direction for where God is calling me, what He is calling me to do, and to clarify my purpose in this season of life. Dropping out of school and being single is still an adjustment that I did not foresee and so I am asking God to show me more of His eternal perspective of the events of the past six months and to put my heart and mind at peace. I also ask you to pray Satan away from me. The past couple of days he has been attacking my mind to go places I do not want to go and do things I do not want to do. I see that as a foreshadowing that God is going to meet me. I am terrified at what His immense power and holiness will do to me and awestruck by the fact He wants to meet sinful ol' me at the same time. So, bring it on! The last time I had four days alone with God was in August in NH and the time before that the previous August in Anchorage. Both times I did not spend as much of the time meeting with God as I desired, so pray I am not distracted by petty things and that I seek His heart, mind and Spirit through all things, even time with my friends. Thanks! I'll let you know any updates along the way if I feel led or just a recap at the end!
This guy's name is great. His quote is even greater. For it is only at the point where we fully believe, understand, and live that quote that we can see life through God's eyes which therefore gives us a correct view of our situation. I wish I could say that is the perspective I have on my life right now. But I can not. Do I believe that quote? Yes. Do I understand that quote? Partially. Do I live that quote? No.
The next four days I am going to take a step back from life and try to grasp a new perspective of God and what He is doing in my life. I am headed to a friend's house in the mountains of NH where it is my aim to spend a lot of time reading the Bible, in prayer and in silence. I am excited about this time and strangely fearful at the same time. I am afraid of spending time with God again. In fact, I hate to admit it, but I have enabled myself to get so busy the past three weeks with traveling for the holidays and a friend visiting from out of town that I have not sat down to think of any New Year's resolutions or spent any time in whole-hearted prayer or reading the Word. I think I was under 13 the last time I didn't start a year on track doing my devotions every day and I am embarrassed to have to admit I have not done any for the first 10 days of this year. I want to confess that sin to you and ask you to challenge me to make sure I don't ever get "too busy" again. I wish I could say I will make up for it in the next 4 days, since I will be spending a lot of time in the Word, but I can not since both should be a reality in my life. It is my hope that my view of God is challenged and correctly aligned where it should be, my view of myself and my sinfulness is seen in its disgusting reality, and the greatness of the Gospel that bridges the two in perfect, beautiful harmony is expanded.
I ask you all to pray for me these next four days. I won't be completely alone the whole time (as I had hoped) but I will have chunks of time alone and I will have unexpected quality time connecting with Christian friends who I don't get to see often who can pray with me, encourage me and speak into my life. (And hopefully God will allow me to do the same back to them.)
Please, pray for me as I seek direction for where God is calling me, what He is calling me to do, and to clarify my purpose in this season of life. Dropping out of school and being single is still an adjustment that I did not foresee and so I am asking God to show me more of His eternal perspective of the events of the past six months and to put my heart and mind at peace. I also ask you to pray Satan away from me. The past couple of days he has been attacking my mind to go places I do not want to go and do things I do not want to do. I see that as a foreshadowing that God is going to meet me. I am terrified at what His immense power and holiness will do to me and awestruck by the fact He wants to meet sinful ol' me at the same time. So, bring it on! The last time I had four days alone with God was in August in NH and the time before that the previous August in Anchorage. Both times I did not spend as much of the time meeting with God as I desired, so pray I am not distracted by petty things and that I seek His heart, mind and Spirit through all things, even time with my friends. Thanks! I'll let you know any updates along the way if I feel led or just a recap at the end!
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