closed. open.

I am not sure exactly how I am going to word what God has done in my heart over the past couple of weeks. I have meant to find time to blog the things He has been showing me but somehow the time has escaped me. But today I found myself in a new place. The place I wasn't a couple of weeks ago before I left for my retreat. I didn't even know I wasn't there anymore until tonight when the door I had been standing by waiting to open disappeared. And you know what? I feel free. I think so much time I have spent dwelling on the past and wishing I could change things. But God! God has changed my heart and sent me off in a new direction.

A couple of weeks ago I realized I was holding onto an ideal. If you don't know much about ideals, they are called ideals because they are not reality. I recognized that my reality is way different than my ideal. I became aware that my ideal was no longer ideal but was infact a mirage of what I wanted to be a reality. So, I decided to open myself up to other ideals. I began looking for ways to expand my thinking and pursue things that I never thought I would. It has brought me to a place where I am open and I like it... a lot.

The situation was this. God closed a door. But I wanted to believe it was only closed for a little time. So I stood there waiting for it to open again instead of trusting Him that there were other doors that were just beyond my line of sight AND believing He closed that particular door for a reason. When I realized that was what I was doing I said to myself, "If I don't know if the door will ever open again or not, why am I standing here waiting? Why am I not moving ahead? Why am I not actively pursuing other doors?" So I decided I would do just that. A step away from the door. I joined a soccer team of people I don't know. A step away. I joined an online community of people I never thought I would. A couple steps away. I spent time thinking about reality and what God really wants from my life. A leap away. And before I knew it the door looked so small. I shrank the desire to go wait for the small door by actively looking toward other doors in the distance. It seems like a simple concept that we all should easily get, however it is not something that will happen on it's own. It starts with a single step. One action that we must take on our own.

If it were not for my making these small steps away I would have been broken again tonight. I found something out that blew apart that door I had so long waited next to. If I had been standing right next to it when God destroyed it I would be hurting a lot right now. But instead, I am fine. I feel great. Except for some righteous anger over some lies and manipulation, I could care less that the door does not exist. And why? Because I heard God's voice taking me higher and I followed Him to other places to seek other doors.

I can not say any doors have (fully) opened up yet, but I know they exist and I trust God to bring me to the right door at the right time and He will be the one to open it, not me.

prayer and perspective.

"God's 'no' is not keeping you from something good, but protecting you from something harmful." Lloyd Shadrack

This guy's name is great. His quote is even greater. For it is only at the point where we fully believe, understand, and live that quote that we can see life through God's eyes which therefore gives us a correct view of our situation. I wish I could say that is the perspective I have on my life right now. But I can not. Do I believe that quote? Yes. Do I understand that quote? Partially. Do I live that quote? No.

The next four days I am going to take a step back from life and try to grasp a new perspective of God and what He is doing in my life. I am headed to a friend's house in the mountains of NH where it is my aim to spend a lot of time reading the Bible, in prayer and in silence. I am excited about this time and strangely fearful at the same time. I am afraid of spending time with God again. In fact, I hate to admit it, but I have enabled myself to get so busy the past three weeks with traveling for the holidays and a friend visiting from out of town that I have not sat down to think of any New Year's resolutions or spent any time in whole-hearted prayer or reading the Word. I think I was under 13 the last time I didn't start a year on track doing my devotions every day and I am embarrassed to have to admit I have not done any for the first 10 days of this year. I want to confess that sin to you and ask you to challenge me to make sure I don't ever get "too busy" again. I wish I could say I will make up for it in the next 4 days, since I will be spending a lot of time in the Word, but I can not since both should be a reality in my life. It is my hope that my view of God is challenged and correctly aligned where it should be, my view of myself and my sinfulness is seen in its disgusting reality, and the greatness of the Gospel that bridges the two in perfect, beautiful harmony is expanded.

I ask you all to pray for me these next four days. I won't be completely alone the whole time (as I had hoped) but I will have chunks of time alone and I will have unexpected quality time connecting with Christian friends who I don't get to see often who can pray with me, encourage me and speak into my life. (And hopefully God will allow me to do the same back to them.)

Please, pray for me as I seek direction for where God is calling me, what He is calling me to do, and to clarify my purpose in this season of life. Dropping out of school and being single is still an adjustment that I did not foresee and so I am asking God to show me more of His eternal perspective of the events of the past six months and to put my heart and mind at peace. I also ask you to pray Satan away from me. The past couple of days he has been attacking my mind to go places I do not want to go and do things I do not want to do. I see that as a foreshadowing that God is going to meet me. I am terrified at what His immense power and holiness will do to me and awestruck by the fact He wants to meet sinful ol' me at the same time. So, bring it on! The last time I had four days alone with God was in August in NH and the time before that the previous August in Anchorage. Both times I did not spend as much of the time meeting with God as I desired, so pray I am not distracted by petty things and that I seek His heart, mind and Spirit through all things, even time with my friends. Thanks! I'll let you know any updates along the way if I feel led or just a recap at the end!