Trees still covered with colored leaves, 60 degrees outside, and not a single flake of snow. December in Texas sure does not feel like Christmas! The closest thing I can get to feeling Christmas is a Peppermint Hot Chocolate at Starbucks, where I am currently.
The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about what Christmas means to me and reminiscing Christmases past. This year, I'm living the farthest from my immediate family that I ever have around the holidays and it's pretty sad. At least I was able to spend Thanksgiving with beloved, extended family after a spontaneous 13 hour drive to Omaha!
Something about this year just doesn't feel like Christmas, and I don't think it is just the change of location. One of my primary giving love lanugages is gifts but with having only $70 in the bank and a credit card balance more than 10 times that, I won't be showing my love by gifts to people this year. Without snow, lights or sparkling snowflake decorations, our house feels naked. Living out in the country half an hour from the closest shopping mall limits me to Walmart Christmas aisles to have any glittering feeling of the North Pole. I miss window shopping! I miss seeing children with excited faces (or ones full of tears) waiting to sit on Santa's lap!
The older I get the more the magic of Christmas seems to not exist. Did it ever exist? Was it just perceived by me to be there? Is the magic actually gone or just my ability to see it?
We have been talking a lot lately about what is more important, reality or one's perceived reality? I believe perceived reality is. The words I say do not always communicate to the hearer what I mean. What is more valid, what I said or what the person heard? What I do does not always communicate what I intend to. What speaks louder, my actions or my words? What the person hears and what my actions say are much louder than my words.
Now, I am typically a realist. I'm typically not a dreamer. Shannon once asked me if I was a gas pedal or a brake. I replied, "Neither, I'm a clutch!" If an idea has potential I will think through all the possibilities it would take to make it happen and then cautiously advise from there by asking questions of the plan until I am sufficed to let them go ahead with it in whatever gear they need to proceed in, and I am there to take them down a couple gears, if needed.
Around Christmas we need to be aware of what is real, but let's also not forget the magic! I believe that Christmas is what you want it to be. If you want to see it as a marketing scheme to make people buy stuff they don't need, then that is what it will be to you. If all you want to remember is that Jesus was born and He is the only gift we need to give others, then that is all it will be to you. But is it wrong to think it is more than both of those things? Let's not just look at Christmas through a legalistic Christian's eyes. Let's see the magic!
There is magic! I choose to see it!
The magic is seen in communities comming together to perform, "A Christmas Carol", of neighbors opening up their homes to friends for hot chocolate and cookies, to the kids who get a snow day out in their yards building snowmen (well, ok, not here in Texas, but you get the point!), and there is magic in the four year old child's eyes as they go to bed anxiously awaiting Santa's coming.
This time of year gives us a great opportunity to connect with people we might not otherwise connect with. Let's get out there and connect, not tell them why they are wrong, how they are being unbiblical (does the Bible say, "Thou shalt not tell you children there is a Santa claus?!" - No, it doesn't!). Instead let's put up those lights! Deck out that tree! Hang some mistletoe and actually use it! Celebrate life and the fact we have had another year of God's amazing grace in our lives! :)
12.09.2010
12.08.2010
The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker!
Check out the article Shannon wrote about me and our time in Mexico! :)
Click here: The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker
Click here: The True Test of an Aspiring Speaker
11.01.2010
sprinkles
Do you all know the song made popular by Chris Tomlin (written by a group called Blue Tree from Northern Ireland), "God of This City"? If not, youtube it before you read this post.
That song popped into my head today and, as typical, I start belting it out while cleaning the kitchen. As I was singing I thought to myself, you know, in light of the circumstances of this weekend I know God has greater things for me, not just for this city or that city (or whatever one you happen to be in while singing the song!). It made me think about all of the things God has done for me over the course of my life. There are so many things it is truly humbling when I think about it. It honestly would be enough if God never did anything else with or for me. He has already done so much! Salvation alone is the only gift I truly needed and He provided for that by sending Jesus Christ. Everyday mercy and grace are the icing on the cake and everything else is tiny sugar decorative pieces or sprinkles on top. God is saying, "Suze, I have greater things for you! Greater things that you could ask or imagine!" Wow!
Now, I am a pretty big dreamer. Most days I live in the clouds. I do have a strategic realist in me (by God's grace) to keep me returning to earth and looking at all the potential outcomes, but I have some pretty big dreams. I believe those dreams are there because God put them in my heart, but to know that God has even more for me than I have the mind to dream about right now is truly amazing!
Do you believe that God has greater things for you? That He wants to make your future full of God-sized things? Things that only He can do? I do. I know He does. He doesn't want you to dwell in the past. Those days are gone. Anything you see in your past that God has done for you is merely a glimmer of what He has for your future. Don't live in the past. Live in the present. Dream the future. And let God continue to change your dreams so that they align with His dreams.
So many times throughout the Bible we are told not to dwell on former things (Remember them, yes, but stay focused on them, no). God is continuing to do a new thing! (Isa. 42:9; 43:18-21) And I believe the new thing is a greater thing that you can even dream!
Addendum:
After writing that I read Experiencing God: Unit 6 Intro. It talks about praying for one thing and getting another and I find this quote extremely pertinent to this revealation!
"God, if I ever give You a request and You have more to give me than I am asking, cancel my request!" Henry Blackaby.
Let us pray that same prayer with our dreams. God, if we have dreams and You have something greater for us, cancel our dreams and give us Yours! Amen? Amen!
That song popped into my head today and, as typical, I start belting it out while cleaning the kitchen. As I was singing I thought to myself, you know, in light of the circumstances of this weekend I know God has greater things for me, not just for this city or that city (or whatever one you happen to be in while singing the song!). It made me think about all of the things God has done for me over the course of my life. There are so many things it is truly humbling when I think about it. It honestly would be enough if God never did anything else with or for me. He has already done so much! Salvation alone is the only gift I truly needed and He provided for that by sending Jesus Christ. Everyday mercy and grace are the icing on the cake and everything else is tiny sugar decorative pieces or sprinkles on top. God is saying, "Suze, I have greater things for you! Greater things that you could ask or imagine!" Wow!
Now, I am a pretty big dreamer. Most days I live in the clouds. I do have a strategic realist in me (by God's grace) to keep me returning to earth and looking at all the potential outcomes, but I have some pretty big dreams. I believe those dreams are there because God put them in my heart, but to know that God has even more for me than I have the mind to dream about right now is truly amazing!
Do you believe that God has greater things for you? That He wants to make your future full of God-sized things? Things that only He can do? I do. I know He does. He doesn't want you to dwell in the past. Those days are gone. Anything you see in your past that God has done for you is merely a glimmer of what He has for your future. Don't live in the past. Live in the present. Dream the future. And let God continue to change your dreams so that they align with His dreams.
So many times throughout the Bible we are told not to dwell on former things (Remember them, yes, but stay focused on them, no). God is continuing to do a new thing! (Isa. 42:9; 43:18-21) And I believe the new thing is a greater thing that you can even dream!
Addendum:
After writing that I read Experiencing God: Unit 6 Intro. It talks about praying for one thing and getting another and I find this quote extremely pertinent to this revealation!
"God, if I ever give You a request and You have more to give me than I am asking, cancel my request!" Henry Blackaby.
Let us pray that same prayer with our dreams. God, if we have dreams and You have something greater for us, cancel our dreams and give us Yours! Amen? Amen!
10.31.2010
the self-contradictory extrovert
Tonight I did the unthinkable. Tonight I choose to stay home... alone. I had somewhere to go (a party) and yet I choose not to. The extreme extrovert that I am contradicted my inner nature. What led to this inconsistancy in character? I am glad you asked, because I am dying to share! :)
Today started as any normal day, I woke up at 5:30am (ok, that early is not normal, but waking up is!) and was on the road by 6am headed to the Ranch for work. I was scheduled to work until 2:30 after lunch was cleaned up. I got to the Ranch and found out that the group this weekend was a small Father/Daughter retreat. Around 1:30 I was almost done cleaning up lunch and was excited to get off early because I had arranged with some of the other staff to do the high ropes course (complete with zipline through the trees!) which I have never done before! As I am sweeping the floor a man comes in and asks for my boss, Mike, to get someone to drive his friend who had surgery in the golf cart to the ropes course to watch his daughter. Mike is off on a trail ride with some of the campers and instructs me to do so.
The only typical interaction I have with the weekend guests is "one taco or two" so this called for a more in depth conversation. As I drove these two men to the high ropes course I asked them some questions. I found out that they were from a private Christian school north of Dallas. They found out I was from Boston and as I've come to expect, "What (in blazes) brought you to East Texas?!" I told them about Shannon Ethridge and the internship program designed to help me become a more godly woman and help me gain insight into the writing/speaking arena. With that the one father asked me, "Do you know Sheila Walsh?" I thought, "yes, I love her!!!," but I responded with, "yes, I have been to two Woman of Faith conferences". He simply said, "That's neat. Her son goes to this school and is in the class with my older child. She is a great speaker, isn't she?" I said, "yes." We got sidetracked as the other father and I began talking of Boston but I couldn't get Sheila out of my mind. Should I say something to him? Should I write her a letter and give it to him to give to her? Should I drop it altogether?
You see, when I back my story up, back before moving to Texas, even back before going to Moody, back to the Fall of 2003, there was Sheila. Sheila is the reason I am even contemplating writing or speaking. In the Fall of 2003 my Mom and her friends were going to a Woman of Faith conference and someone couldn't go last minute so they had an extra ticket. They asked if I wanted to go. Initially, I didn't, but no one else claimed the ticket and I found out a few of my younger friends from camp were going so I said, "why not?" I had no idea how that one event would change the direction of my life.
That event opened my eyes to a whole new realm of what women can do. But even more than that, it opened my eyes to what God can do! I saw 16,000+ women worshipping Jesus together and hearing encouraging stories of what God has done in the lives of the speakers. We laughed, cried, and were amazed almost on a permanent rotation every 5 minutes. At that event I heard God say, "Suze, I want you to do women's ministry." (Now, at this point I already knew I wanted to do ministry but at that time was thinking worship, youth or camp ministry.) Now, if you knew me at 19 you probably would have laughed at that thought just as much as I did. At that point I was still a tomboy, barely wore any makeup, loved sports and hated pink, lace, floral print and doilys. I had seen what the women do for women's events in church and it did not look like fun to me. I was the last person who wanted to do "women's ministry". But when the women, particularly Sheila, spoke my heart burned. Sheila also sings which was neat since I long to do both as well.
Well, that WoF conference is what led me to find a college with a women's ministry degree program, which is how I found Moody, and the continuation of that call led me to Texas. So after about 15 minutes talking to random fathers around the high ropes course, it clicked. Sheila is pretty much the reason I am in Texas at this moment. (Beyond God, of course!) Woah. And now I was a one person connection away from meeting her... I think I would be a fool to pass this up.
"Hey, you said you know Sheila pretty well, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Her and her husband come over our house often. They're really nice."
"If I wrote her a letter, would you give it to her for me?"
"You betcha! I am sure she would love to hear about what you're pursuing and get together with you..." He proceeded to give me his email and phone number and told me about an event at the school coming up she is speaking at.
Stunned. [God, why do you love me?]
You see, from the blog I posted yesterday, I shouldn't have been stunned. Yesterday, I spent time with God. I walked with God just to be with Him. I spent over an hour on the South Tyler Trails just walking arm in arm with my Love. And like I said in that post, it was not for the sake of getting anything from Him which is why we typically spend time with Him. I simply knew He longed to be with me and so I went to be with Him.
God didn't have to bless me today with this gift. Even if I don't meet Sheila, I know it was God saying to me, "Suze, thank you for walking with me yesterday to show me you love me. Here is something to show you how much I love you back. I want you to meet my other daughter. She is someone you never would have dreamed of meeting who has been so foundational for your calling and who will inspire you to keep stepping. I love you."
With that, BE ENCOURAGED. It brings tears to my eyes how God orchestrates things and we don't trust Him or believe that He is. Earlier this week I was discouraged and wondering if I am even walking the right path, if I even should have moved here, and I asked for a sign... I think I got one!
God is doing similar things in your life. And He will light up how the things connect at just the right time! Wait for Him. But be actively waiting. Actively "be"ing with Him! Be with Him in the wait! If you're not with Him, how is He going to tell you when it it time to take the next step?!
(This blog is already too long, but I also found out today that the Ranch camp which was started in 97 had one cook until a couple months ago when they hired someone to help her out since she was getting old. They worked together a month before the original cook decided she needed to quit altogether. That is where I came in. And as some of you know, when I first move to Texas and sent this camp my resume they replied with "sorry, we don't have any positions open right now." The very next day is when the head cook resigned and they called me. God put me there for a reason. And God put this group there for a reason. There is a really neat story about why this group has their retreats at this little ranch camp and not one of the two mega camps in the area that also blows my mind to show God's sovereignty. Because that decision was made two years ago! He put this into effect two years ago, maybe longer!)
God is truly sovereign. Believe that. He can bring anyone into your life He desires to and can (and does, and IS!) working all the smallest details of your life to bring Him glory!!! Amen?! Amen.
Haha. I never got to why I stayed home tonight. Well, after the guy gave me his info, I flew through the high ropes course (which was a lot easier knowing God had a plan beyond that moment, I believed I wasn't going to die no matter that I was 60 feet in the air and held only by a small cable, and so I flew around that thing!) and then it was too late for horseback riding so I drove home. On the way home I thought to myself, I just want to go be with Jesus! More "be"ing! I longed for Him more than people. That truly is a HUGE step if you know me at all! So that is what I did! I stayed home with Him tonight. We went stargazing on my car and then I just sang my love out for Him! I was belting out worship songs at the top of my lungs (one of the good things of being in the middle of the country and having no neighbors!). And I am so excited to go to church tomorrow to celebrate what God did for me this week and share the good news with my new friends!
Today started as any normal day, I woke up at 5:30am (ok, that early is not normal, but waking up is!) and was on the road by 6am headed to the Ranch for work. I was scheduled to work until 2:30 after lunch was cleaned up. I got to the Ranch and found out that the group this weekend was a small Father/Daughter retreat. Around 1:30 I was almost done cleaning up lunch and was excited to get off early because I had arranged with some of the other staff to do the high ropes course (complete with zipline through the trees!) which I have never done before! As I am sweeping the floor a man comes in and asks for my boss, Mike, to get someone to drive his friend who had surgery in the golf cart to the ropes course to watch his daughter. Mike is off on a trail ride with some of the campers and instructs me to do so.
The only typical interaction I have with the weekend guests is "one taco or two" so this called for a more in depth conversation. As I drove these two men to the high ropes course I asked them some questions. I found out that they were from a private Christian school north of Dallas. They found out I was from Boston and as I've come to expect, "What (in blazes) brought you to East Texas?!" I told them about Shannon Ethridge and the internship program designed to help me become a more godly woman and help me gain insight into the writing/speaking arena. With that the one father asked me, "Do you know Sheila Walsh?" I thought, "yes, I love her!!!," but I responded with, "yes, I have been to two Woman of Faith conferences". He simply said, "That's neat. Her son goes to this school and is in the class with my older child. She is a great speaker, isn't she?" I said, "yes." We got sidetracked as the other father and I began talking of Boston but I couldn't get Sheila out of my mind. Should I say something to him? Should I write her a letter and give it to him to give to her? Should I drop it altogether?
You see, when I back my story up, back before moving to Texas, even back before going to Moody, back to the Fall of 2003, there was Sheila. Sheila is the reason I am even contemplating writing or speaking. In the Fall of 2003 my Mom and her friends were going to a Woman of Faith conference and someone couldn't go last minute so they had an extra ticket. They asked if I wanted to go. Initially, I didn't, but no one else claimed the ticket and I found out a few of my younger friends from camp were going so I said, "why not?" I had no idea how that one event would change the direction of my life.
That event opened my eyes to a whole new realm of what women can do. But even more than that, it opened my eyes to what God can do! I saw 16,000+ women worshipping Jesus together and hearing encouraging stories of what God has done in the lives of the speakers. We laughed, cried, and were amazed almost on a permanent rotation every 5 minutes. At that event I heard God say, "Suze, I want you to do women's ministry." (Now, at this point I already knew I wanted to do ministry but at that time was thinking worship, youth or camp ministry.) Now, if you knew me at 19 you probably would have laughed at that thought just as much as I did. At that point I was still a tomboy, barely wore any makeup, loved sports and hated pink, lace, floral print and doilys. I had seen what the women do for women's events in church and it did not look like fun to me. I was the last person who wanted to do "women's ministry". But when the women, particularly Sheila, spoke my heart burned. Sheila also sings which was neat since I long to do both as well.
Well, that WoF conference is what led me to find a college with a women's ministry degree program, which is how I found Moody, and the continuation of that call led me to Texas. So after about 15 minutes talking to random fathers around the high ropes course, it clicked. Sheila is pretty much the reason I am in Texas at this moment. (Beyond God, of course!) Woah. And now I was a one person connection away from meeting her... I think I would be a fool to pass this up.
"Hey, you said you know Sheila pretty well, right?"
"Yes, ma'am. Her and her husband come over our house often. They're really nice."
"If I wrote her a letter, would you give it to her for me?"
"You betcha! I am sure she would love to hear about what you're pursuing and get together with you..." He proceeded to give me his email and phone number and told me about an event at the school coming up she is speaking at.
Stunned. [God, why do you love me?]
You see, from the blog I posted yesterday, I shouldn't have been stunned. Yesterday, I spent time with God. I walked with God just to be with Him. I spent over an hour on the South Tyler Trails just walking arm in arm with my Love. And like I said in that post, it was not for the sake of getting anything from Him which is why we typically spend time with Him. I simply knew He longed to be with me and so I went to be with Him.
God didn't have to bless me today with this gift. Even if I don't meet Sheila, I know it was God saying to me, "Suze, thank you for walking with me yesterday to show me you love me. Here is something to show you how much I love you back. I want you to meet my other daughter. She is someone you never would have dreamed of meeting who has been so foundational for your calling and who will inspire you to keep stepping. I love you."
With that, BE ENCOURAGED. It brings tears to my eyes how God orchestrates things and we don't trust Him or believe that He is. Earlier this week I was discouraged and wondering if I am even walking the right path, if I even should have moved here, and I asked for a sign... I think I got one!
God is doing similar things in your life. And He will light up how the things connect at just the right time! Wait for Him. But be actively waiting. Actively "be"ing with Him! Be with Him in the wait! If you're not with Him, how is He going to tell you when it it time to take the next step?!
(This blog is already too long, but I also found out today that the Ranch camp which was started in 97 had one cook until a couple months ago when they hired someone to help her out since she was getting old. They worked together a month before the original cook decided she needed to quit altogether. That is where I came in. And as some of you know, when I first move to Texas and sent this camp my resume they replied with "sorry, we don't have any positions open right now." The very next day is when the head cook resigned and they called me. God put me there for a reason. And God put this group there for a reason. There is a really neat story about why this group has their retreats at this little ranch camp and not one of the two mega camps in the area that also blows my mind to show God's sovereignty. Because that decision was made two years ago! He put this into effect two years ago, maybe longer!)
God is truly sovereign. Believe that. He can bring anyone into your life He desires to and can (and does, and IS!) working all the smallest details of your life to bring Him glory!!! Amen?! Amen.
Haha. I never got to why I stayed home tonight. Well, after the guy gave me his info, I flew through the high ropes course (which was a lot easier knowing God had a plan beyond that moment, I believed I wasn't going to die no matter that I was 60 feet in the air and held only by a small cable, and so I flew around that thing!) and then it was too late for horseback riding so I drove home. On the way home I thought to myself, I just want to go be with Jesus! More "be"ing! I longed for Him more than people. That truly is a HUGE step if you know me at all! So that is what I did! I stayed home with Him tonight. We went stargazing on my car and then I just sang my love out for Him! I was belting out worship songs at the top of my lungs (one of the good things of being in the middle of the country and having no neighbors!). And I am so excited to go to church tomorrow to celebrate what God did for me this week and share the good news with my new friends!
10.29.2010
walking off stage...
My name is Suze and I am a perfectionist. I am not who I think I am. Who I think I am is better than who I am. Who I think I am is perfect. That woman does not struggle. That woman does not fall. She does not do anything wrong. She is in fact perfect. And everybody knows it.
Everyone knows "Suze" is the one who loves Jesus. "She" loves to worship. "She" loves to serve God. "She" was the head elder's daughter growing up. "She" was the one other mothers would tell their daughters, "You should be like 'her' when you grow up," or, "Why can't you be more like 'her'?" Now whether those were things actually said or just perceived by me, I can't say. But that is how I felt. I felt I lived in a house of windows. People could look in and see everything, so I kept it perfect.
perfect. all. the. time.
I was the house (or body) everyone could see into. Or at least they thought that.
But I, I had a trick. I was a house of windows, but only from the outside. You see each window looked in to a mirror. I wasn't infact a perfectly staged house inside, but I was a house of mirrors. Not fun house mirrors that distort, though mine distorted alright, but periscope mirrors. The kind that reflect off a couple mirrors to show a different part than where you thought you were looking. I let people see what they wanted to see, the room was beautifully set up and freshly cleaned. But it wasn't what they thought they were seeing. No one saw the middle. The mirrors reflected all around that part. My heart was closed off. Boarded up, and tightly.
What people didn't know was that they were seeing a girl who knew she wasn't perfect but she had learned early on the role she was to play and thus she was playing that part. She had discovered the role of an actress, and excell at it she did.
From the first time I was legitimately sick and realized I could miss a day of school (or chores), I was acting sick. From the first time I got injured and received sympathy, I was acting hurt. From the first time I got recognition for my vocal talent I was singing my heart out on stage. I embraced the butterflies and let acting become the role I assumed. What people wanted, I would become. What they liked, I would stay. What they hated, I would stop. (I liked a boy at camp and he made fun of my Boston accent, so I stopped dropping my r's. To this day I say that is why I don't have a Boston accent!)
My name is Suze and I am a perfect actress.
But if you catch me playing this role, ask me to take off my mask. Help me wash off my makeup and put back on my street clothes. Ask me to remove the mirrors and show you my heart. You might not like what you find, and honestly, I don't know what you might find. I have been playing the role so long that I have started to believe it. Worse than that, I convinced myself that God sees "Suze", not Suze.
I believe that is why He asked me to move to Texas.
He wrote me out of the script (for the time being). He wants me to do some soul searching, to find who I truly am and to find who He truly is. He has asked me not to act anymore. He longs for my heart, and He longs to give me His. He wants the innermost part of my being to belong to Him, and Him alone.
That is the trouble with Christianity. So often it becomes a world of rules to obey. We are not able to be perfect and obey all the time, so we start acting. And not just for eachother. We start acting for God. We do things for Him out of obligation or to play the role instead of out of love for Him. We become legalistic about reading our Bible every day, going to church, going to lifegroup or youth group, being at the church every time the doors are open, serving on every committee, and neglecting whatever we have to to do it. When we get to these church events we step on the stage with full costume on and play the role to the best of our ability. We bow at the end and the crowd goes wild. (If it doesn't we tailor our act for our next performance hoping to wow them then.) And the cycle goes on day after day, week after week. And sadly, we think God is pleased with our performance. After all, the people around us, God's people, are. But the whole time the show is going on, God is standing out back, by the stage door, longing for us to go for a walk with Him. We have missed the relationship. He came not so we can do more things or have more rules to obey. He came to set us free! Free from rules and free to obey. Our love for Him enables us to do these things. When am I, when are you, going to start to realize that?
So that is what I am going to do right now. I am going for a walk with Him. I challenge you to do the same. Walk off the stage. Put down the props. Wash off the make up. Just walk. And open your heart to Him.
*Note: Reading your Bible and going to church activities are not wrong, but if they are in place of a love relationship or in trying to gain some merit from God, they are worthless. And skipping these activities for any reason other than to spend time with God is missing the point also. The point is to be with Him and to cultivate a deep, love relationship with Him that those acts are done out of love and not trying to get love or anything else from God.
Everyone knows "Suze" is the one who loves Jesus. "She" loves to worship. "She" loves to serve God. "She" was the head elder's daughter growing up. "She" was the one other mothers would tell their daughters, "You should be like 'her' when you grow up," or, "Why can't you be more like 'her'?" Now whether those were things actually said or just perceived by me, I can't say. But that is how I felt. I felt I lived in a house of windows. People could look in and see everything, so I kept it perfect.
perfect. all. the. time.
I was the house (or body) everyone could see into. Or at least they thought that.
But I, I had a trick. I was a house of windows, but only from the outside. You see each window looked in to a mirror. I wasn't infact a perfectly staged house inside, but I was a house of mirrors. Not fun house mirrors that distort, though mine distorted alright, but periscope mirrors. The kind that reflect off a couple mirrors to show a different part than where you thought you were looking. I let people see what they wanted to see, the room was beautifully set up and freshly cleaned. But it wasn't what they thought they were seeing. No one saw the middle. The mirrors reflected all around that part. My heart was closed off. Boarded up, and tightly.
What people didn't know was that they were seeing a girl who knew she wasn't perfect but she had learned early on the role she was to play and thus she was playing that part. She had discovered the role of an actress, and excell at it she did.
From the first time I was legitimately sick and realized I could miss a day of school (or chores), I was acting sick. From the first time I got injured and received sympathy, I was acting hurt. From the first time I got recognition for my vocal talent I was singing my heart out on stage. I embraced the butterflies and let acting become the role I assumed. What people wanted, I would become. What they liked, I would stay. What they hated, I would stop. (I liked a boy at camp and he made fun of my Boston accent, so I stopped dropping my r's. To this day I say that is why I don't have a Boston accent!)
My name is Suze and I am a perfect actress.
But if you catch me playing this role, ask me to take off my mask. Help me wash off my makeup and put back on my street clothes. Ask me to remove the mirrors and show you my heart. You might not like what you find, and honestly, I don't know what you might find. I have been playing the role so long that I have started to believe it. Worse than that, I convinced myself that God sees "Suze", not Suze.
I believe that is why He asked me to move to Texas.
He wrote me out of the script (for the time being). He wants me to do some soul searching, to find who I truly am and to find who He truly is. He has asked me not to act anymore. He longs for my heart, and He longs to give me His. He wants the innermost part of my being to belong to Him, and Him alone.
That is the trouble with Christianity. So often it becomes a world of rules to obey. We are not able to be perfect and obey all the time, so we start acting. And not just for eachother. We start acting for God. We do things for Him out of obligation or to play the role instead of out of love for Him. We become legalistic about reading our Bible every day, going to church, going to lifegroup or youth group, being at the church every time the doors are open, serving on every committee, and neglecting whatever we have to to do it. When we get to these church events we step on the stage with full costume on and play the role to the best of our ability. We bow at the end and the crowd goes wild. (If it doesn't we tailor our act for our next performance hoping to wow them then.) And the cycle goes on day after day, week after week. And sadly, we think God is pleased with our performance. After all, the people around us, God's people, are. But the whole time the show is going on, God is standing out back, by the stage door, longing for us to go for a walk with Him. We have missed the relationship. He came not so we can do more things or have more rules to obey. He came to set us free! Free from rules and free to obey. Our love for Him enables us to do these things. When am I, when are you, going to start to realize that?
So that is what I am going to do right now. I am going for a walk with Him. I challenge you to do the same. Walk off the stage. Put down the props. Wash off the make up. Just walk. And open your heart to Him.
*Note: Reading your Bible and going to church activities are not wrong, but if they are in place of a love relationship or in trying to gain some merit from God, they are worthless. And skipping these activities for any reason other than to spend time with God is missing the point also. The point is to be with Him and to cultivate a deep, love relationship with Him that those acts are done out of love and not trying to get love or anything else from God.
10.14.2010
I'd rather have Jesus...
A hymn by Rhea F. Miller
"I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hands.
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause,
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I'd rather be true to His holy name.
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom,
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs,
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.
Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway;
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today."
"I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold,
I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands,
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hands.
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause,
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I'd rather be true to His holy name.
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom,
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs,
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.
Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway;
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today."
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