closed. open.

I am not sure exactly how I am going to word what God has done in my heart over the past couple of weeks. I have meant to find time to blog the things He has been showing me but somehow the time has escaped me. But today I found myself in a new place. The place I wasn't a couple of weeks ago before I left for my retreat. I didn't even know I wasn't there anymore until tonight when the door I had been standing by waiting to open disappeared. And you know what? I feel free. I think so much time I have spent dwelling on the past and wishing I could change things. But God! God has changed my heart and sent me off in a new direction.

A couple of weeks ago I realized I was holding onto an ideal. If you don't know much about ideals, they are called ideals because they are not reality. I recognized that my reality is way different than my ideal. I became aware that my ideal was no longer ideal but was infact a mirage of what I wanted to be a reality. So, I decided to open myself up to other ideals. I began looking for ways to expand my thinking and pursue things that I never thought I would. It has brought me to a place where I am open and I like it... a lot.

The situation was this. God closed a door. But I wanted to believe it was only closed for a little time. So I stood there waiting for it to open again instead of trusting Him that there were other doors that were just beyond my line of sight AND believing He closed that particular door for a reason. When I realized that was what I was doing I said to myself, "If I don't know if the door will ever open again or not, why am I standing here waiting? Why am I not moving ahead? Why am I not actively pursuing other doors?" So I decided I would do just that. A step away from the door. I joined a soccer team of people I don't know. A step away. I joined an online community of people I never thought I would. A couple steps away. I spent time thinking about reality and what God really wants from my life. A leap away. And before I knew it the door looked so small. I shrank the desire to go wait for the small door by actively looking toward other doors in the distance. It seems like a simple concept that we all should easily get, however it is not something that will happen on it's own. It starts with a single step. One action that we must take on our own.

If it were not for my making these small steps away I would have been broken again tonight. I found something out that blew apart that door I had so long waited next to. If I had been standing right next to it when God destroyed it I would be hurting a lot right now. But instead, I am fine. I feel great. Except for some righteous anger over some lies and manipulation, I could care less that the door does not exist. And why? Because I heard God's voice taking me higher and I followed Him to other places to seek other doors.

I can not say any doors have (fully) opened up yet, but I know they exist and I trust God to bring me to the right door at the right time and He will be the one to open it, not me.