walking off stage...

My name is Suze and I am a perfectionist. I am not who I think I am. Who I think I am is better than who I am. Who I think I am is perfect. That woman does not struggle. That woman does not fall. She does not do anything wrong. She is in fact perfect. And everybody knows it.

Everyone knows "Suze" is the one who loves Jesus. "She" loves to worship. "She" loves to serve God. "She" was the head elder's daughter growing up. "She" was the one other mothers would tell their daughters, "You should be like 'her' when you grow up," or, "Why can't you be more like 'her'?" Now whether those were things actually said or just perceived by me, I can't say. But that is how I felt. I felt I lived in a house of windows. People could look in and see everything, so I kept it perfect.

perfect. all. the. time.

I was the house (or body) everyone could see into. Or at least they thought that.

But I, I had a trick. I was a house of windows, but only from the outside. You see each window looked in to a mirror. I wasn't infact a perfectly staged house inside, but I was a house of mirrors. Not fun house mirrors that distort, though mine distorted alright, but periscope mirrors. The kind that reflect off a couple mirrors to show a different part than where you thought you were looking. I let people see what they wanted to see, the room was beautifully set up and freshly cleaned. But it wasn't what they thought they were seeing. No one saw the middle. The mirrors reflected all around that part. My heart was closed off. Boarded up, and tightly.

What people didn't know was that they were seeing a girl who knew she wasn't perfect but she had learned early on the role she was to play and thus she was playing that part. She had discovered the role of an actress, and excell at it she did.

From the first time I was legitimately sick and realized I could miss a day of school (or chores), I was acting sick. From the first time I got injured and received sympathy, I was acting hurt. From the first time I got recognition for my vocal talent I was singing my heart out on stage. I embraced the butterflies and let acting become the role I assumed. What people wanted, I would become. What they liked, I would stay. What they hated, I would stop. (I liked a boy at camp and he made fun of my Boston accent, so I stopped dropping my r's. To this day I say that is why I don't have a Boston accent!)

My name is Suze and I am a perfect actress.

But if you catch me playing this role, ask me to take off my mask. Help me wash off my makeup and put back on my street clothes. Ask me to remove the mirrors and show you my heart. You might not like what you find, and honestly, I don't know what you might find. I have been playing the role so long that I have started to believe it. Worse than that, I convinced myself that God sees "Suze", not Suze.

I believe that is why He asked me to move to Texas.

He wrote me out of the script (for the time being). He wants me to do some soul searching, to find who I truly am and to find who He truly is. He has asked me not to act anymore. He longs for my heart, and He longs to give me His. He wants the innermost part of my being to belong to Him, and Him alone.

That is the trouble with Christianity. So often it becomes a world of rules to obey. We are not able to be perfect and obey all the time, so we start acting. And not just for eachother. We start acting for God. We do things for Him out of obligation or to play the role instead of out of love for Him. We become legalistic about reading our Bible every day, going to church, going to lifegroup or youth group, being at the church every time the doors are open, serving on every committee, and neglecting whatever we have to to do it. When we get to these church events we step on the stage with full costume on and play the role to the best of our ability. We bow at the end and the crowd goes wild. (If it doesn't we tailor our act for our next performance hoping to wow them then.) And the cycle goes on day after day, week after week. And sadly, we think God is pleased with our performance. After all, the people around us, God's people, are. But the whole time the show is going on, God is standing out back, by the stage door, longing for us to go for a walk with Him. We have missed the relationship. He came not so we can do more things or have more rules to obey. He came to set us free! Free from rules and free to obey. Our love for Him enables us to do these things. When am I, when are you, going to start to realize that?

So that is what I am going to do right now. I am going for a walk with Him. I challenge you to do the same. Walk off the stage. Put down the props. Wash off the make up. Just walk. And open your heart to Him.


*Note: Reading your Bible and going to church activities are not wrong, but if they are in place of a love relationship or in trying to gain some merit from God, they are worthless. And skipping these activities for any reason other than to spend time with God is missing the point also. The point is to be with Him and to cultivate a deep, love relationship with Him that those acts are done out of love and not trying to get love or anything else from God.