unfinished.

I am not sure how many people will actually read this, but this is a post asking for prayer.

This semester began as expected. I was excited and enthralled with the task I felt God had put before me. This semester has only but two short weeks left now and I am not in that same mindset. My most recent mindset is not one of excitement or anything like it. Instead, I feel as though I have been thrown in the deep, raging sea and I am only managing to keep my head afloat. Does this all have to do merely with schoolwork? No. Yet it all added together does not leave me in a good place.

There have been many things this semester that I have seen God do. Some I liked. Some I did not like. Yet there is one truth that I have clung to. God is faithful and He works all things together for His glory and my good. I have said that a lot this semester and I am fully convinced it is true, however I have not done a good job at putting my theology into practice. You see, I have been afraid of going to God. I have spent time with Him (not regularly as I should) but through the last 6 weeks I have developed a severe case of God-phobia. When my boyfriend and I broke up I was left confused. I know he hears from God, and if breaking up is what God led him to do, what can I say against that? I had no words. I still have no words, yet I have to go forward and trust that it is His will, that somehow it is part of His plan for my life.

So how did God-phobia start? Well, it wasn't right away and actually it was last night that I realized this is where I have been living. I wasn't mad at God or bitter toward my ex or anything but I decided that I would "show him". Mistake #1. I would look really good all the time and I was going to be strong and prove to everyone that I was ok, it didn't matter and that I didn't need him. (Not recommended.) The whole idea of bottling up feelings leads to explosions which as I know and found out for the eight hundredth time, leaves you feeling very low. I think I have cried more in the past 6 weeks than ever in my life. Not all because of him but also because of just feeling confused and lacking direction. I thought I had heard from God to get into the relationship and why would God put me in just to take me out? I expect people to let me down, forgiving humans for me is (most of the time) easy. I don't, however, expect God to let me down. So when you felt let down by Him what do you do? Where do you go?

Did I know where I should be going for direction? Yes. To God and His Word. Did I go there? Yes, but not whole-heartedly. Mistake #2. I went to Him, I'd read my Bible, but I was not really looking for God to align my heart with the place he had brought DJs. The last thing I wanted to hear was that it was God who led DJ to break up with me. I went basically begging God to confirm that I was going to marry him and that I should hold on and wait around for him to come back saying he made a mistake and that he wanted back in... (to which I would have said, heck no, (which is a lie, yet would make me feel like I had the power again).) Ultimately, that is where I was. I felt powerless. When someone takes away the option for you to decide what is best for you it sucks. And that is what I felt he - and by way of his listening to God - what God had done to me. And I did not like that one bit. I thought I was the only person who knew what was best for me. Mistake #3.

I could go on and on with how my train of thought went through all the stages of how to manipulate the situation back into my control and how I kept pretending to be so strong - especially infront of him and other mutual friends - which all lead me to a place of being afraid to be with God. I didn't know this until last night. Last night I clearly felt God tell me that I had been lying to everyone. I had been telling people that I did not feel close to or far from God right now. But the truth was that I didn't want anything to do with God. Not the God who led me into something where I would get hurt... and call it for my good.

So that leaves this seminary student in a rather bad, low place. My grades started dropping and I didn't want to go to class. I skipped some and even ended up dropping one because the work load felt like it was crushing me and I received a poor grade on an exam. I started longing for heaven and even convinced myself God was going to take me soon because I didn't feel He had anything He wanted to do with me further on this earth. All of my dreams, plans, goals, etc. had been crushed. I thought I was headed down a path only to find out I was walking on an illusion. Mistake #4. (Now I realize God gives dreams, goals, and opportunities for the sole purpose of making us look more like Jesus. Sometimes the pursuit of the goal is the purpose, not acheiving the end goal. He is constantly redesigning my dreams (almost daily) to bring me closer to Him, not to fulfill the dreams themselves. This is a hard reality I am learning to live with.)

So, where do I go from here? Do I give up and throw the towel in on dating all together? Do I sit around in a "Christian" depression? Is 6 weeks enough to mourn something that feels so unfinished and is still hanging around? Should I move to another part of the country and do something else with my life for a while until I forget his name? Should I drop out of school until I can get my heart back aligned with God's purpose for my being there? Are there answers to all questions?! I don't know. This is why I need prayer.

I might not ever know why God put me in that relationship knowing it would end so soon. It could be for DJ to see into his heart and the things he needs to work on. It could be for mine and the things I have to. It could be about something completely different that I will not know for 10 years. I need prayer that God would give me peace even if I never know until I get to heaven.

Mostly this is just ramblings... I didn't know that was going to come out or even if I will leave it on here... I thought this would end up being about something completely different, but heck, that is what is on my brain pretty much unceasingly right now. I know what I am doing, at least for now. I know God wants me to stay here in Boston to be a part of GENESIS (though I am praying about that) but I am not to go to school full-time. I am going to take maybe 1 class this spring and continue nannying full-time for the same family since the Mom just finished maternity leave. But mostly, I am going to refind God's heart and my own. Then once I have both of them I will realign mine to His.

Yet again I went and made plans that got crushed and I am reminded that I do not know what the future holds. I only know Who holds the future. And He is constantly working my good and His glory into my life. And while I long to be with Him in heaven more each day, I have to unselfishly realize that I am not here for me. I am here for His purposes for as long as He wants to build up the Church and tell others of Jesus Christ.

I am unfinished and so is my story...